breakup

A year ago, on a Sunday morning, I went on a date that changed my life.

I remember what I wore. What I ate. That I couldn’t stop sneaking a look at him.

And now I cross into a world in which I’ve been without him longer than I was ever with him.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

He has two remaining payments before he is finished with owing me money. He left me at the end of June. We are now in December.

He missed a payment yesterday so I sent a request. Today is his birthday. I won’t be reaching out for obvious reasons, but I still expect the money. It all sucks.

How amazing is it that he can continue to make promises that he breaks without fail?

#breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

It’s been more than 150 days and I still remember so many things vividly. But I also can start to think about what comes next. I firmly do believe that there is a guy out there who will love my grit, strong personality, high achieving attitudes, and upending of traditional gender roles. I don’t think I’ve lost hope. This is a strange feeling.

My therapist will hopefully be happy to hear this. And she will remind me:

It could be him (the him I keep referring to) or it could be someone else.

Maybe I’m finally okay with either.

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #breakup

I’ve been pretty stoic about it in my waking hours but I see him when I sleep.

I dream about his family. Having a conversation with him. Running into him at school. Or in public. I have only a foggy outline of his figure and have lost any semblance of his voice completely.

I’ll never forget a dream from that first week, where we drove past each other on the highway and stopped, staring at each other and then moving on.

I never remember what I say. I just know I won’t be able to say anything at all to him in real life.

#breakup #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #heartbreak

We started dating right before Christmas in 2023. It was the best gift I had ever received. I can’t express to you what joy I felt.

I’m worried for the holidays now. Not because I can’t have some fun, but because something will be very different this year. The apartment that he helped me move to is going to be decorated alone and I’ll celebrate here without him. It doesn’t feel right. Even though he’s been gone for so long.

It’s almost been five months now. Soon I will have been without him for longer than I was ever with him. Man, this is hard.

P.S. I am doing just fine. School is a lot of work and I’m taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Thanks for letting me share the stuff I don’t get to talk about as much.

#Grief #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #breakup #heartbreak

For new folks, I was dumped at the end of June over the phone by someone who I was convinced was my life partner. It was out of nowhere. He has not spoken to me since. He has financial and career struggles. I’ve had severe struggles since the breakup because of the shock it caused. This is why I joined The Mighty.

His texts to my friend yesterday:

“I’m down to be cordial and friends if she wants. Personally I’m not sure she can handle that.”

“I'm very easy going and I don't like to hold grudges, especially toward past partners.”

“I want her to be comfortable and happy.”

“I honestly couldn't hang up the phone and lie to her and tell her I still loved her.”

“I don't think I'm should be at fault for realizing that she wasn't my person and ending things.”

I need help. Is this how someone you were so close with talks about you? Is this normal? Is this as cold as I feel it is? Why is this so hard for me to deal with? Is it just the cold tone of a text? I don’t understand what I’m feeling.

#Grief #breakup #Relationships #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

I woke up a little while ago to hear the rain pounding and in my head all I can hear is “I couldn’t lie to her and tell her I still loved her.”

I just want to get through this day. This is a nightmare.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

“I do not wish anything malicious upon her and it really sucked ending things the way I did, but I honestly couldn't hang up the phone and lie to her and tell her I still loved her. It also sucks hearing she's been going through it this much because of me, but also I don't think I'm should be at fault for realizing that she wasn't my person and ending things.

We dated for six months. I feel like the four month mark is where it gets hard to be friends after a break up, so l'm
definitely not expecting that at all.

Bottom line is that I want her to be comfortable and happy. And if that means I need to pay off my debt asap and keep my distance then that's fine and I understand. At this point I feel like the less I'm in her life, the easier it will be for her to heal from this situation.”

I am broken. I feel talked down to. I am grieving in a new way. I have more hatred than before. He seems to have healed. He has no regrets. I have no words. He is unstable and somehow makes me seem like the unstable one. After all my treatment and work.

I have no words and so many tears. Please tell me I’m not crazy for feeling this way.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

Day 123 of no contact complete. I have not responded to his messages.

The latest one came this morning. You may remember that he owes me quite a lot of money and was supposed to pay me in September. It is now November.

I was supposed to be paid a chunk yesterday, but was not. I sent a request to him via Zelle and received a paragraph message today explaining he needed until the end of today and giving me specific dates in which I’ll be paid further, which stretch all the way to the end of the calendar year. It’s almost midnight now and I haven’t gotten anything.

He let me down before. He’s not even in my life now and he still lets me down. He embodies the type of person that everyone has told me he is for leaving me. I hate that he’s proving them right. It makes me angry.

This makes it hard to understand how I feel about everything. I’m not sure what to feel. I want to say something to him and check in and see how he’s doing. I want him to ask about me.

I’ve had dreams about finally coming face to face with him again after all these months. Each time it goes differently. I am trying to figure this out in a new way every day. Grief changes. It also changes me.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder