breakup

I honestly dont know how much more life can possibly throw at me. My fiancé broke up with me, ended the tenancy so I ended up with 1 month to find somewhere, now in temp accommodation so far away from my support network and familiarites, council are being useless, new local council will take 4 months to sort Custom Domain by Bitly support, so likely will end up without food or in debt, unable to afford things to allow me have somewhat of a "normal" life (disability needs). And my ex and my step son (which he's apparently not anymore, known from 2- now 9), are off on holiday to Greece today! One min my ex seems like he stills cares and was saying he still loves me, then the next is saying his son isn't my step son anymore and ignoring/ avoiding me...its just messing with my head. I know in someways the break up was needed as he's avoidant AS and I'm anxious (moving to avoidant) AS. He's not interested in putting in the work, and I just feel like im not good enough or worth it. He says he knows he needs MH support, but I don't feel he'll ever actually seek support. Ive been seeing stuff on instagram about how if work is done, we can both become secure together
It makes me want to hold our hope and hopefully we can try again but also I want to become a secure AS myself and i know realistically i cant do that while still waiting for him, my mind is just so mixed, as i want both....I struggle with small changes, so all these changes just has my head spinning. Even how im reacting to the break up is different (been in counselling for four years) and I'm so confused by my reaction. I feel like I should be sat in a corner crying, but I'm just plodding along each day and feeling like im Masking. But I don't know how much more energy I have before I do break down. And im scared that I will break, as i really dont want too. But its also so confusing that im not and if i dont. Not necessarily asking for advice... just needed to write it all out.

I've met someone.

I hopped on the dating apps last weekend as a fun summer thing with some friends, just to see what happens. I messaged with some guys and it was really exciting to actually be noticed.

Then at 2 AM, I messaged someone back with a deep thought and we stayed up talking until 5 AM.

I've met J twice and I think this is not only going somewhere, but may have been just what I have been working for, waiting for, and healing for.

I am proof of life on the other side of devastation. This is proof to me that God exists. I feel so very lucky.

More to come, hopefully with some happier tales. Thank you SO much for everyone who has left a comment, like, or even read one of my posts over the last year. I am so indebted to you for your help on this journey of healing.

#Grief #Anxiety #breakup #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Dating

Today marks one year since the hardest day of my life so far.

I played a concert tonight under one of my collegiate mentors, who is one of the strongest and smartest people I know. I’ve had the opportunity to play first chair these past three weeks, and it was extraordinarily special to play first for her.

I listened to our rendition of “Shenandoah” on the way home, driving near the airport at 12:30 am. Without even thinking about it, I said out loud to myself: “I think I am finally healed.”

My heart has and continues to be mended. I am so grateful to feel finally some inklings of healing.

Things come and go and it is okay to feel all feelings about all of it. I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her all of these things.

Eternally grateful for my achievement and growth in the last year. I could not have imagined a year ago that I would be here.

Oh, Shenandoah, I’m bound to leave you,
Away, you rolling river
Oh, Shenandoah, I’m bound to leave you,
Away, I’m bound away, across the wide Missouri.

#Grief #Anxiety #heartbreak #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Music #breakup

I was hurting
My body was attacking itself
Nobody believed me

I cried for help
But all that you saw was the way it could hurt you too .

I hurted you
I’m sorry
I was hurting too

You were my person
You were my everything
But I couldn’t fight alone and keep the relationship alive on my own .

I don’t want anyone

It was ever going to be only you

Even now that you’re gone
They won’t be anyone else

Anyone else that I’ll love like I loved you

I was hurt
I hurted you
You leff

It’s ok
I know you loved me

You’ll always have a place in my heart

I’ll always love you
I’ll never Forget you . I’ll never Forget what we were.

Two souls who were hurting .

Even though he left me almost a year ago, is he over it?

Have I been replaced?

Does he have questions too?

I wonder why he did it.

I wonder if the year would’ve been less difficult with him here.

I wonder what he would say if he heard the things I’ve faced in the year without him.

I wonder if I would be as strong as I am now if he were still here.

I wonder if I will ever stop having a little part of me miss him.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #OCD

I’ve been so busy at work (high school teacher) that I haven’t been able to think about what he’s been doing.

I still sometimes check his social media (even though I don’t follow any of it). He was asking a question on one of his pages for travel advice. I felt fear.

I am trying to sit with my feeling. Of being scared. I think I feel forgotten, even though it’s been months. Soon, a year.

We are likely both going to go back to school soon for advanced degrees. I am scared of that too. I do think a part of me misses the security I had in a partnership and the stability of a relationship.

I’m not having the best time at my job and it’s hard to fight through those feelings too. But I think being scared is where I’m at now. Not sure how to hold this and try to keep walking.

#breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Teacher

Finally, I got to write the last part!

beyonddeaf-inition.blogspot.com/2025/03/a-letter-to-my-ex-p2.html

#Depression #breakup #Relationships

Hey Mighty,

As you may know from following along with my journey, I was left by my partner in June of 2024 and had to deal with getting money back and not having answers, etc. ever since.

I walked into a concert with some friends this afternoon and saw this man on the stage in front of us. He was in the show.

This was the first time I had seen him since before he left me. I remember the week before, he showed up with my favorite Starbucks drink before we both had to go to work. That memory gets hazier every day, but it came back strong today.

I went to intensive outpatient programming to deal with the crisis following the separation and have made many life changes since then.

I think the word I would use to describe how I felt looking at this small man on the big stage is “strong.” I still feel many things, but I was strong today and proud to stand with my grief, sadness, anger and strength.

P.S. my friends think he saw us and freaked out, so that was exciting :)

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

After 200 days, I ask:

Why do I still leave my bedroom door open as a symbol of thinking he may return?

Why do I wonder what he’s doing during moments in the day?

Why does it never seem as sad but I feel sad because I’m not sad?

Why do I still remember what my life looked and felt like?

How can I still remember what he looked like or felt like?

How can I still think he’s decent when he said undeniably hurtful things?

Why is my job and life still much harder without him?

Onward we go to another 200 days. 💔

#breakup #heartbreak #Anxiety #Grief #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #nocontact

A year ago, on a Sunday morning, I went on a date that changed my life.

I remember what I wore. What I ate. That I couldn’t stop sneaking a look at him.

And now I cross into a world in which I’ve been without him longer than I was ever with him.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder