breakup

Today marks one year since the hardest day of my life so far.

I played a concert tonight under one of my collegiate mentors, who is one of the strongest and smartest people I know. I’ve had the opportunity to play first chair these past three weeks, and it was extraordinarily special to play first for her.

I listened to our rendition of “Shenandoah” on the way home, driving near the airport at 12:30 am. Without even thinking about it, I said out loud to myself: “I think I am finally healed.”

My heart has and continues to be mended. I am so grateful to feel finally some inklings of healing.

Things come and go and it is okay to feel all feelings about all of it. I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her all of these things.

Eternally grateful for my achievement and growth in the last year. I could not have imagined a year ago that I would be here.

Oh, Shenandoah, I’m bound to leave you,
Away, you rolling river
Oh, Shenandoah, I’m bound to leave you,
Away, I’m bound away, across the wide Missouri.

#Grief #Anxiety #heartbreak #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Music #breakup

I was hurting
My body was attacking itself
Nobody believed me

I cried for help
But all that you saw was the way it could hurt you too .

I hurted you
I’m sorry
I was hurting too

You were my person
You were my everything
But I couldn’t fight alone and keep the relationship alive on my own .

I don’t want anyone

It was ever going to be only you

Even now that you’re gone
They won’t be anyone else

Anyone else that I’ll love like I loved you

I was hurt
I hurted you
You leff

It’s ok
I know you loved me

You’ll always have a place in my heart

I’ll always love you
I’ll never Forget you . I’ll never Forget what we were.

Two souls who were hurting .

Even though he left me almost a year ago, is he over it?

Have I been replaced?

Does he have questions too?

I wonder why he did it.

I wonder if the year would’ve been less difficult with him here.

I wonder what he would say if he heard the things I’ve faced in the year without him.

I wonder if I would be as strong as I am now if he were still here.

I wonder if I will ever stop having a little part of me miss him.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #OCD

I’ve been so busy at work (high school teacher) that I haven’t been able to think about what he’s been doing.

I still sometimes check his social media (even though I don’t follow any of it). He was asking a question on one of his pages for travel advice. I felt fear.

I am trying to sit with my feeling. Of being scared. I think I feel forgotten, even though it’s been months. Soon, a year.

We are likely both going to go back to school soon for advanced degrees. I am scared of that too. I do think a part of me misses the security I had in a partnership and the stability of a relationship.

I’m not having the best time at my job and it’s hard to fight through those feelings too. But I think being scared is where I’m at now. Not sure how to hold this and try to keep walking.

#breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Teacher

Finally, I got to write the last part!

beyonddeaf-inition.blogspot.com/2025/03/a-letter-to-my-ex-p2.html

#Depression #breakup #Relationships

Hey Mighty,

As you may know from following along with my journey, I was left by my partner in June of 2024 and had to deal with getting money back and not having answers, etc. ever since.

I walked into a concert with some friends this afternoon and saw this man on the stage in front of us. He was in the show.

This was the first time I had seen him since before he left me. I remember the week before, he showed up with my favorite Starbucks drink before we both had to go to work. That memory gets hazier every day, but it came back strong today.

I went to intensive outpatient programming to deal with the crisis following the separation and have made many life changes since then.

I think the word I would use to describe how I felt looking at this small man on the big stage is “strong.” I still feel many things, but I was strong today and proud to stand with my grief, sadness, anger and strength.

P.S. my friends think he saw us and freaked out, so that was exciting :)

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

After 200 days, I ask:

Why do I still leave my bedroom door open as a symbol of thinking he may return?

Why do I wonder what he’s doing during moments in the day?

Why does it never seem as sad but I feel sad because I’m not sad?

Why do I still remember what my life looked and felt like?

How can I still remember what he looked like or felt like?

How can I still think he’s decent when he said undeniably hurtful things?

Why is my job and life still much harder without him?

Onward we go to another 200 days. 💔

#breakup #heartbreak #Anxiety #Grief #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #nocontact

A year ago, on a Sunday morning, I went on a date that changed my life.

I remember what I wore. What I ate. That I couldn’t stop sneaking a look at him.

And now I cross into a world in which I’ve been without him longer than I was ever with him.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

He has two remaining payments before he is finished with owing me money. He left me at the end of June. We are now in December.

He missed a payment yesterday so I sent a request. Today is his birthday. I won’t be reaching out for obvious reasons, but I still expect the money. It all sucks.

How amazing is it that he can continue to make promises that he breaks without fail?

#breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

It’s been more than 150 days and I still remember so many things vividly. But I also can start to think about what comes next. I firmly do believe that there is a guy out there who will love my grit, strong personality, high achieving attitudes, and upending of traditional gender roles. I don’t think I’ve lost hope. This is a strange feeling.

My therapist will hopefully be happy to hear this. And she will remind me:

It could be him (the him I keep referring to) or it could be someone else.

Maybe I’m finally okay with either.

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #breakup