breakup

We started dating right before Christmas in 2023. It was the best gift I had ever received. I can’t express to you what joy I felt.

I’m worried for the holidays now. Not because I can’t have some fun, but because something will be very different this year. The apartment that he helped me move to is going to be decorated alone and I’ll celebrate here without him. It doesn’t feel right. Even though he’s been gone for so long.

It’s almost been five months now. Soon I will have been without him for longer than I was ever with him. Man, this is hard.

P.S. I am doing just fine. School is a lot of work and I’m taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Thanks for letting me share the stuff I don’t get to talk about as much.

#Grief #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #breakup #heartbreak

For new folks, I was dumped at the end of June over the phone by someone who I was convinced was my life partner. It was out of nowhere. He has not spoken to me since. He has financial and career struggles. I’ve had severe struggles since the breakup because of the shock it caused. This is why I joined The Mighty.

His texts to my friend yesterday:

“I’m down to be cordial and friends if she wants. Personally I’m not sure she can handle that.”

“I'm very easy going and I don't like to hold grudges, especially toward past partners.”

“I want her to be comfortable and happy.”

“I honestly couldn't hang up the phone and lie to her and tell her I still loved her.”

“I don't think I'm should be at fault for realizing that she wasn't my person and ending things.”

I need help. Is this how someone you were so close with talks about you? Is this normal? Is this as cold as I feel it is? Why is this so hard for me to deal with? Is it just the cold tone of a text? I don’t understand what I’m feeling.

#Grief #breakup #Relationships #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

I woke up a little while ago to hear the rain pounding and in my head all I can hear is “I couldn’t lie to her and tell her I still loved her.”

I just want to get through this day. This is a nightmare.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

“I do not wish anything malicious upon her and it really sucked ending things the way I did, but I honestly couldn't hang up the phone and lie to her and tell her I still loved her. It also sucks hearing she's been going through it this much because of me, but also I don't think I'm should be at fault for realizing that she wasn't my person and ending things.

We dated for six months. I feel like the four month mark is where it gets hard to be friends after a break up, so l'm
definitely not expecting that at all.

Bottom line is that I want her to be comfortable and happy. And if that means I need to pay off my debt asap and keep my distance then that's fine and I understand. At this point I feel like the less I'm in her life, the easier it will be for her to heal from this situation.”

I am broken. I feel talked down to. I am grieving in a new way. I have more hatred than before. He seems to have healed. He has no regrets. I have no words. He is unstable and somehow makes me seem like the unstable one. After all my treatment and work.

I have no words and so many tears. Please tell me I’m not crazy for feeling this way.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

Day 123 of no contact complete. I have not responded to his messages.

The latest one came this morning. You may remember that he owes me quite a lot of money and was supposed to pay me in September. It is now November.

I was supposed to be paid a chunk yesterday, but was not. I sent a request to him via Zelle and received a paragraph message today explaining he needed until the end of today and giving me specific dates in which I’ll be paid further, which stretch all the way to the end of the calendar year. It’s almost midnight now and I haven’t gotten anything.

He let me down before. He’s not even in my life now and he still lets me down. He embodies the type of person that everyone has told me he is for leaving me. I hate that he’s proving them right. It makes me angry.

This makes it hard to understand how I feel about everything. I’m not sure what to feel. I want to say something to him and check in and see how he’s doing. I want him to ask about me.

I’ve had dreams about finally coming face to face with him again after all these months. Each time it goes differently. I am trying to figure this out in a new way every day. Grief changes. It also changes me.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

Day 114 is complete. The post title is accurate —I’m going on a trip tomorrow. Last time I flew, we traveled together. It doesn’t feel right even though we didn’t do it often. I am mad that he’s not at least texting me or calling me while I’m on the hotel bed.

We’re single. We’re stable. We’re sad. We’re mad. We’re still somehow standing.

#Grief #breakup #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

I don’t remember his voice anymore. It’s been 112 days now.

It’s been a while since I’ve said anything, mainly because life is busy and I haven’t had anything new to share.

My therapist practically begged me to stay single today and I told her I wouldn’t have to try that hard. I’m lonely but have a strong head on my shoulders.

Don’t get me wrong. Everything hurts still. I miss him. Love him. Worry about him. Wish he’d reach out.

But here we are.

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #breakup #Grief

Dear T,

I saw on Facebook that the aurora borealis could be seen from the sky tonight, so I slid open the porch door and stepped outside on the cold and wet grass to see if I could find it. I looked up and didn’t see any colors, but saw so many stars. The sky is clear tonight. As soon as I saw those stars, the first thing I thought of was you. And I remembered that today was Day 100 of no contact.

That moment, when I realized how long it’s been, I stared at the apartment and realized that I’ve built a life both with and without you. You helped me get started here. You left me as I was growing into my independent adult self. I’ve had to keep going without you in so many ways. When it gets hard, I have to remember that none of this was my choice and what I wanted, but I have to do the best I can because I can’t change it.

Over the past month or so, I’ve learned about how life has treated you since you left. I have toiled over the fact that you have suffered while I slept peacefully in the night. Ironically, it was me who toiled in the night a few months ago while you slept, likely quite deeply, without me.

I have learned that you don’t speak to me because you believe that’s what I want. I have too much self-respect to reach out to the man who left me. But a part of me, every single day, wishes that you would. It would be the privilege of my life to hear you say you’re sorry and for me to forgive you, if you, like me, think this was a huge mistake.

The bigger problem is that I have grown stronger and tried to heal, and you have fallen deeper into despair and self ruin. I would not hesitate to help you, but you need to want to help yourself first. All we can do, those of us who love you, is be there. Whether you’ve known it or not, I’ve still been there in spirit for you through my grief. And I’m so sorry for your suffering.

I love you deeply. And like you, this was not the outcome I wanted. I still hope our paths, while parallel, will eventually intersect and run the same track someday again.

Love,
K

#Grief #breakup #nocontact #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder