clusterb

[image description: a selfie of jazz posing with a poorly done finger gun pointed at her head as she looks off to the side while sticking out her tongue]

hi everyone!

i ended up opening the app by chance & saw the notifications to replies i never got 😭it was really heartwarming & encouraging to read them all because they were all replies to my piece on BPD. i had taken a break from writing because i felt like i was just annoyingly yapping loudly into the void & thought, “surely someone else who’s way better can write these thoughts”. i was also struggling a lot with surviving—literally. just trying actively not to die from both MIs and physical ones. it was not easy & i’ll write more on that later. but for expect some more pieces soon! i’ve recently had a really bad encounter with someone i thought was okay and safe but they ended up equating BPD to abuse and toxicity. i know that the demonization, misinfo & stigma has always been there. but i feel like as people are learning basic psych, they are picking up & wholeheartedly embracing Cluster B hate. i used to have my own bias that i’ve unlearned—it may not look like it to a lot but nearly a decade of trauma work is a LOT & you come out knowing a lot of stuff you wish you knew early. anyways, i will write more about
#clusterb which includes #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ASPD #AntisocialPersonalityDisorder #npd #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #HPD #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder because SO many people equate us with inherently being toxic and/or abusive when that is FALSE. so many people don’t know what “Mad Studies” (sub sect of “Crip Studies”/Disability Studies) are nor do they know what “sanism” is. they think fields like Psychology & Psychiatry can’t possibly be affected by bias or the same systemic issues that affect the rest of society. i mean look at the history of why CPTSD was created. again, i’ll cover this more in a piece i will submit soon…which i’m preparing to get hammered by hate 🤡 so here i go off to write my thoughts fueled by spite, trauma & all your support!
all the best
♡ x jazzy

I have tingling in my hands, a headache and my heart is pounding again. I don't know what to do with myself. I keep finding myself sighing all day. I automatically look outwards and start overthinking about how everyone is judging me or I go back to a past memory and feel like a bad person or I worry about something that might happen because I'm a bad person. The loop is endless and keeps happening to me. I was listening to "the mind explained" on Netflix yesterday. The episode on anxiety mentioned a type of OCD thought pattern, which did sound similar to mine. I keep having obsessive thoughts and then I feel like a bad person. Like for instance now I sat down and took out my phone with my notes. I looked up and some people were passing and right then I needed to be admired. I keep needing validation from people around me. And when I find a fault in me, I expect people to see it and therefore see me as a fraud and judge me. I hate it that based on how people rate me is how I see myself and the funny thing is they aren't even rating me! I am, based on past criticism I heard or received. I guess another reason why I attach my attention on everyone around me is possibly because it feels less lonely. If I'm constantly thinking about what others think of me or what I think of them, I don't have time to be present with my loneliness and feelings of failure. And also the never ending loop of obsessing over the past and future. I think that comes from a need to feel in control and therefore safe.
Can anyone relate? Or is it just my head that's so cluttered 🙈😫 Any helpful therapy exercise I could do? I keep writing notes all day long but this never improves! I'm just more aware of this

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ADHD #Anxiety #selfconcious #SocialAnxiety #clusterb