Histrionic Personality Disorder

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Histrionic Personality Disorder
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    Community Voices

    People With DPD ( Link Added )

    <p>People With DPD ( Link Added )</p>
    Community Voices

    My Life As A Borderline: The Stigma, Hate, and How I Found The Light

    Part 1 of 2 I was diagnosed as a #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder personality in my early 30s, but I had been experiencing “symptoms” since age 12. After telling me about BPD, and going through the criteria, the therapist told me he wouldn’t treat me. I lived with seven of the nine criteria of BPD for nearly 30 years before I found someone willing to help me.

    My mom was a borderline, as was her mom. Grandma Dorie was abandoned as a baby and adopted by my great-grandparents. She didn’t find out about any of this until a few years before she died. My grandmother beat my mom, while my grandfather abused Mom psychologically. Oh, right, Grandpa John. His mom died when he was a toddler, his father remarried, and pretty much ignored my grandfather for the majority of his life. So both my mom’s parents were abandoned as children.

    When my mom was about six, my grandparents dropped her off at an orphanage as “punishment.” They left her there for a few hours, then came back and picked her up. Later in life, my grandfather would tell that story as a joke. I truly believe this was the event that broke my mother.

    Both my mom and grandmother were borderline mothers. Grandma Dorie was the witch and the queen, while my mom was the witch, the queen, and the waif. My mother was narcissistic, manipulative, cruel, and incapable of unconditional love. Unlike my grandmother, though, my mother could also appear helpless and in constant need of the love she was unable to give. It was a horrible way to grow up.

    Let’s skip over the three decades I spent self-harming, the two suicide attempts, the #EatingDisorders , the #Trauma I’ve survived, and fast forward to the moment I found Bert. Bert was a therapist in Vermont who specialized in treating borderlines. I began individual therapy, group therapy, and dialectical behavior therapy or DBT. My husband would help me with my DBT workbooks, he went to therapy with me, he listened and learned and supported me. And I got better.

    I graduated from therapy and DBT, but life happens, so I needed another therapist after we moved to Minnesota. Eventually, I found Dave. Dave helped me through the residual effects of my mother’s death, he helped me with the Children’s Theatre lawsuit, and he’s still available if I need a refresher.

    The clinical term for my status with BPD is “borderline in remission.” I cannot stand this term, because it implies that all my criteria can come back at any moment, destroy my life, and I have no control over any of it. Which, frankly, is bullshit. But I think I know why mental health professionals use this language.

    Earlier this year, I was watching a documentary about a psychiatric hospital. At one point, the filmmaker speaks with a woman who is either a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse. He asks her about BPD, to which she responds (and this is verbatim), “Borderline Personality Disorder is the only fatal mental illness.”

    There it is. Borderlines can never recover, we are only in remission. BPD is fatal. This also explains the stigma attached to BPD from so many mental health professionals. Why should they treat people with BPD when we’re just going to kill ourselves? Therapists who refuse to treat borderlines are actively creating scenarios where people with BPD will experience thoughts of self-harm and/or suicidal ideation. Just food for thought.

    And now we come to Depp v Heard, the defamation trial currently taking place in Virginia. Johnny Depp is suing his ex-wife, Amber Heard, and last week, Depp’s attorneys called a psychologist to the stand. The psychologist revealed she had administered psychological tests to Heard, including the MMPI-2 and tests for PTSD. After evaluating the results and speaking with Heard, the psychologist determined Heard has #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder (which I had to look up), and that Heard is a borderline.

    The second the psychologist stated Amber Heard has BPD, I looked up at the ceiling, sighed, and said “Well, here we go.” Suddenly, drama channel hosts had somehow gotten a PhD in psychology overnight, social media was rife with misinformation about BPD, the stigma flowed like a goddamn river, and borderlines were the most evil, destructive people on the planet.

    This is the eighth criteria for borderline personality disorder:

    “Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).”

    I want to make something crystal clear. What Amber Heard allegedly did to Johnny Depp is horrible. Physically assaulting a loved one, spouse, or partner, is never accepted behavior, no matter what me

    Community Voices

    My Life As A Borderline: The Stigma, Hate, and How I Found The Light

    Part 2 of 2 ntal health issue you may have.

    I did not have the eighth criteria. I was never violent or physically abusive toward a partner or spouse. I did defend myself from an abuser, however I was never the abusive person in a relationship. So it’s difficult for me to understand what Amber Heard allegedly did to Johnny Depp.

    If Amber Heard is a borderline, I hope she gets help. I hope she finds her own Bert or Dave, and really does the work so she won’t ever harm another person the way I believe she harmed Johnny Depp. I hope she looks down that long tunnel and sees a glimmer of light.

    I staggered through a very dark, scary tunnel for over ten years, because I wanted to reach that light. I wanted to be a better mom to my son than my mom was to me. I wanted to be able to accept and give love. I wanted to stop hurting myself, I wanted to stop believing the only way to end the pain was to die. And here I am. A little damaged, with a slightly broken brain, scars on my skin and on my soul, but here I am.

    I found the light, and it was worth the work to get here.

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    Facing Misdiagnosis and Receiving a Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis

    My deepest hope is to make you feel less alone if you were ever misdiagnosed or have encountered an incapable psychiatric provider along the way. I see you. I hear you. Your experience is valid. And this is mine. The first time I entered a psychiatrist’s office, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder right away after being asked just a few questions, and I was put on an antidepressant that immediately sent me straight into mania. My psychiatrist at the time didn’t realize. She just switched antidepressants. My life proceeded to go down the drain. Throughout the next two years, I was in and out of the A&E, where all they did was put me on a medication drip and then send me home. The IV helped take the edge off, but I felt completely “out of my mind.” In 2017, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar II disorder. She said she’d just realized I had the mental illness. What haunts me to this day is that after getting out of the psychiatrist’s office with a prescription for two antidepressants, some other medications, and no mood stabilizer at all, it still didn’t occur to me that I ought to find a new psychiatrist. Just imagine — you go tell your psychiatrist that you’re suicidal, and she goes, “Oh no, lovely, why are you thinking like that?” She actually told me that — more than once. The problem was I was completely uneducated. I really thought my psychiatrist’s behavior was “normal” for a mental health provider. When I finally started reading about bipolar disorder, I realized she wasn’t a good psychiatrist. I’d attempted suicide a few weeks before I started to educate myself about my condition. I rang another hospital and switched providers. I developed a strong and powerful emotional bond with my new psychiatrist. I felt heard. I finally felt I was on the right path. I was put on a new medication, and my life got slightly better. But — and yes, there’s a “but” — from 2017 to 2021 I’d relapse every February, and I’d end up inpatient in March and April. I loved my psychiatrist, but she was a student—I was her first patient after she got out of medical school. She didn’t know how to handle my medication levels. She didn’t know how to keep a medication treatment plan without constantly making changes to it. Her lack of experience reflected on my stability and quality of life, which at that point was fully dictated by my illness. I not only had bipolar disorder, but bipolar disorder also had me. In 2018 I was admitted to a psychiatric rehabilitation facility two hours away from home. I left there with a borderline personality disorder (BPD) diagnosis. The consequences of this diagnosis destroyed me. My family started seeing a consultant who had extreme prejudices against people with BPD and fed them lies and misconceptions. Everything I did from that moment on was “because I had BPD.” “I’m hypersensitive and always have been.” “Of course, you have BPD.” “I feel strong emotions.” “Of course, you have BPD.” “I am impulsive.” “Of course, you have BPD.” The thing is, I was never tested for BPD — not by the team at the rehabilitation center and not by my psychiatrist after I left. If they had bothered to test me, they’d have realized I didn’t meet the criteria for BPD. I never have and I never will, because —plot twist— I don’t have it. However, BPD became my primary diagnosis. My psychiatrist talked me into starting talk therapy again, which has never worked for me. What does work for me is cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), but I didn’t find a therapist who specializes in CBT until late 2021. Then suddenly, my psychiatrist referred me to another hospital and left. Not only was I heartbroken, but the care I received there was appalling. I was literally told that I “had no hope left because I’d tried every medication.” After yet another admission when I was gaslighted, laughed at, ignored, and teased, I was diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder. I’d almost lost all hope. Maybe that doctor was right — maybe I was a “hopeless case.” But as I’m writing this, I’m on day 309 of my real recovery. At that point, I met the doctor who saved my life — just a few days after getting discharged from that hellhole. A friend of my parents’ gave me his name and number. Both of my previous personality disorder diagnoses were thrown into the bin — and what a relief. I got diagnosed with bipolar I disorder and panic disorder. I was put on a treatment plan which has undergone only minor changes in the past year. I’m in grad school. I was out of the hospital on St. Patrick’s Day. I just celebrated World Bipolar Day out of the hospital. I’m actually, happily living. There is hope. Don’t ever allow anyone to make you think there isn’t. And please, please, don’t make the same mistake as I did — educate yourself. If you think you have bipolar disorder, read about your symptoms and how they’re treated. It really can make a difference.

    Community Voices

    Anxiety and Fears Of Abandonment

    I keep posting about these things a lot, but I'm having a low level feeling of anxiety again.

    I've been mostly able to keep it at bay today as long as I don't dwell on it, but I seem to be having worries about being abandoned.

    That's become more pronounced for me recently.

    I have to admit I sometimes seek attention too, and I know it's unhealthy.

    I don't mean in terms of being loud or obnoxious, but I seem to want to be cared for emotionally a lot.

    My current goal is to learn to do that myself. I try to think of my inner child, and work on protecting him instead of handing the task over to others who actually have no intention of caring for him, despite saying otherwise.

    I'm just slightly on edge again today.
    #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder

    Community Voices

    Triggered Episode Last Night

    I spoke too soon about my mental health improving.

    I had a bit of an episode where I lashed out at my parents again.

    It was to do with me not having time to process some things I had talked about in my therapy session yesterday (emotional abuse).

    I felt emotionally overwhelmed and lashed out where I shouldn't have.

    I feel resentful because I was ousted out of a group elsewhere for talking about BPD despite being diagnosed as dependent at the time.

    I was accused of lying and faking there.

    I've since left that group. I am now officially diagnosed with BPD, but I'm really having trouble coping with the emotional abuse and invalidation I felt there.

    I don't want to go back because I do feel like I was emotionally abused.
    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder

    Community Voices

    Finally Getting Into My Treatment/Changing Core Beliefs

    <p>Finally Getting Into My Treatment/Changing Core Beliefs</p>
    Community Voices

    Being A Reactive Jerk Lately - Why?

    I have recently been very reactive towards a couple of friends lately.

    I'm not making excuses, but I thought one kept trying to diagnose me and wouldn't let the subject drop, and the other one accused me of ignoring her and said I wasn't a friend, when that wasn't even close to the case.

    Both times I absolutely exploded on them. I said some extremely hurtful things and I feel badly.

    I'm not trying to make excuses, but it could be a trauma reaction. I was ousted out of a mental health space elsewhere. The people involved deliberately tried to trigger me to do something drastic... that's how badly they wanted me out.

    One of the people involved is someone I still care for very much and can't bring myself to say an unkind word about. I'm sorry I made her feel left out of my life. I cared for her a lot. I often tried to hide it because I didn't want to seem creepy, but I still do care for her a great deal.

    My psychiatrist saw my messages to that other friend I got so reactive with, and it could affect my diagnosis in a bad way. I'm not someone who prays often, but I literally pray that doesn't happen. 😞😞😞

    I can't continue being so explosive. This has been twice in the last couple of weeks.

    #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder #anger

    1 person is talking about this
    Community Voices

    Trying To Sleep - Anxiety & Remorse

    I'm troubled because I was extremely reactive with a friend earlier in the day.

    The person was accusing me of ignoring them when I wasn't, but I got far too reactive. It's the second time I've done that.

    I feel badly.

    I had a psychiatrist appointment too, and I'm troubled by some things about it based on my little episode.

    I often feel abused, but I know the people involved will tell me I'm playing victim.

    I want to apologize to two of them. I wasn't particularly reactive towards them, though.

    I'm sorry I caused so much hurt. 😞

    I'm just having trouble sleeping. 😞 #Anxiety #Insomnia #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder

    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices