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He rescued me...

Until his mental and psychological abuse started taking over. Now it feels worse than the physical abuse I received from other men. Bruises heal, words stay on replay in your mind forever. I had a full on breakdown not that long ago and some of the things he said to me after that were just too much. He calls me mean and nasty, he calls me a bitch, he's said I'm "a piece of work", a pathological liar... He said something about my body not long ago that makes me feel a million times more self conscious than I did before he ever said those words to me. He treats me more like a maid or that I'm an ordinary person and not his wife and constantly says he's going to leave and/or divorce me if I don't get our house "in order" and do it pretty much by myself because that's my "job" as a stay at home wife and mother. The depression, sadness and defeat I feel is the worse I have ever felt in my life. I don't know who this man is anymore. I cry every day, multiple times a day. The panic/anxiety attacks are unreal and I have to hide them the best I can because if I take even take my dr prescribed medication, he'll still call me an addict, but he can have the hell does that work?? I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest 24 hours a day. Of course he can talk trash to me, be condescending, narcissistic, conniving, call me names, get in my face, have an attitude or yell at me but God forbid I stand up for myself...

#Narcisist #verbalabuse #Controlling #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #selfconcious #Depression #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #worthless #unloved #PTSD

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Social anxiety keeps invading my mind😭

I have tingling in my hands, a headache and my heart is pounding again. I don't know what to do with myself. I keep finding myself sighing all day. I automatically look outwards and start overthinking about how everyone is judging me or I go back to a past memory and feel like a bad person or I worry about something that might happen because I'm a bad person. The loop is endless and keeps happening to me. I was listening to "the mind explained" on Netflix yesterday. The episode on anxiety mentioned a type of OCD thought pattern, which did sound similar to mine. I keep having obsessive thoughts and then I feel like a bad person. Like for instance now I sat down and took out my phone with my notes. I looked up and some people were passing and right then I needed to be admired. I keep needing validation from people around me. And when I find a fault in me, I expect people to see it and therefore see me as a fraud and judge me. I hate it that based on how people rate me is how I see myself and the funny thing is they aren't even rating me! I am, based on past criticism I heard or received. I guess another reason why I attach my attention on everyone around me is possibly because it feels less lonely. If I'm constantly thinking about what others think of me or what I think of them, I don't have time to be present with my loneliness and feelings of failure. And also the never ending loop of obsessing over the past and future. I think that comes from a need to feel in control and therefore safe.
Can anyone relate? Or is it just my head that's so cluttered 🙈😫 Any helpful therapy exercise I could do? I keep writing notes all day long but this never improves! I'm just more aware of this

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ADHD #Anxiety #selfconcious #SocialAnxiety #clusterb


Anyone else struggling with this?

Just went to DQ without a mask, which was a total accident. It was...weird. We were outside, I kept my space, respected others, and let my dad do the ordering at the counter. Everything was fine, but with this experience came self-consciousness.
1. You feel naked
2. There’s a good chance that all people around you have noticed that you’re not wearing a mask. If I’m being honest, seeing a person without a mask creates judgments about them in my head. So why would someone think differently about me?
3. As someone with significant social anxiety that I have battled for a long as I can remember, I have found that wearing a mask is a perfect way to hide your face. This has made social interactions both more challenging and easier. It’s harder to read the emotions of others, and it’s easier to hide your own.

I have gained many experiences in this past year and done a bit of “adulting”, however I’ve also been able to hide behind a mask. The possibility of removing the mask mandate anytime in the future brings me, and I’m sure many others, fear about feeling ‘naked’ and uncomfortable.

It’s just so odd/bothersome that all of this has become part of every waking moment. Last year at this time we had no clue what was about to unfold. I remember being just a few weeks in and wondering when it was ever gonna end. Little did anyone know... #SocialAnxiety #masks #selfconcious #nervous

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