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I’m a Registered Mental Health Nurse, I work as a CPN, and I have bipolar disorder.

They do say, patients are experts by experience. I also have a first class honours in Mental Health, what level of expertise is that?

Imagine the internal conflict, the sole purpose of my job is to teach people skills to help them manage their own internal conflict. But, you practise what you preach and it doesn’t work? Insight is such a thickle concept, I’m trained to assess a persons capacity, but fail to see when my own is diminished.

Apparently, according to research those diagnosed with bipolar tend to be ‘intelligent and creative.’ So do I have grandiose beliefs or are the articles lying?

I started writing this when I was depressed. I’ve since experienced both mixed and manic episodes. I have found the diagnostic process extremely destabilising. I’ve had several flashbacks, ‘light bulb’ moments. Those traumatic events I buried and thought were ‘poor’ life choices, were in fact textbook episodes of mania.

I’m tired of this rollercoaster, the mania no longer feels like an aspirational state. I seem to find myself in an even bigger hole each time depression hits, I’m not too sure what to do, or where to turn to.

Photo credit @flexibleartsofficial

#Bipolar #Mania #Depression #Nurse #MentalHealth #CPN #CMHT


Expect the unexpected

Two weeks ago, I had a call asking to arrange pre-op. I didn’t think much of it at the time, other than it was a bit early. And then last week I had a call giving me a date for surgery, which is in 2 weeks time.

It’s caused a mixed of emotions. I’m grateful that I’m getting it over with sooner rather than later, but confused as to how I skipped the 6-month+ waiting list. Having it now is better than in the summer though, as I’m typically prone to infections more in the winter than the summer (I haven’t had a single winter without an infection in 10 years now).

In other news, last week I was urgently referred to CMHT, and then today told my case wasn’t being taken on as I’m already under another service. I knew from the tone of voice the person who called me today had what the news was going to be.

In the last piece of news, I filled in the pre-assessment forms for dyspraxia, and have a meeting to discuss it in two weeks. The more I read about it, the less I think I have it, but at the same time I definitely have some difficulties that overlap dyspraxia symptoms.

#Dyspraxia #MentalHealth #Depression #Surgery #Operation #ent #CMHT

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I’m scared

I am being discharged from the community mental health team soon. I’m scared about it because it feels like the end of the line with treatment they can give me (therefore treatment available on the NHS) and I’m worried about the support I have stopping. I’ve been under them for years and years. I can’t work (I have a host of physical and mental illnesses). I live alone and I feel so scared because I don’t have many people to talk to in bad times. Pretty isolated I suppose. I only leave the house for medical appointments really.

I can’t afford private treatment. I feel like I need more therapy for my psychotic illness and my trauma history specifically. At a bit of a loss and I feel like I am on my own from here and it is so frightening. #NHS #CMHT #MentalHealth #PTSD #CPTSD #Trauma #Psychosis #AnxietyDisorder #Recovery