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    I’m new here!

    Hi, I'm here because Im at my witz end with my 86 yr old roommate. i feel drained and am planning my escape from this life. im 66..Ive always been independent..being retired for physical reasons....financially i cannot move..im stuck...life just keeps throwing things at me... I don't want to live anymore my life has come down to hanging out in my room watching movies flipping through crap on my cell phone that's my life and that's pathetic. I'm on good medications Im therapy so I have support in that way but it doesn't seem to matter I'm just fed up I look forward to going to sleep every night because the chattering monkeys in my head shut up. I just want to go ...my two previous attempts have been unsuccessful and I was truly disappointed after coming out of a coma and being stuck in a psychiatric unit where being around a bunch of people and having that make me feel like damn I do have it together and feeling okay ..but when I get out of the hospital the same s*** starts over again ..I'm stuck with a homophobic bigot and I have a gay son and I cannot stand his 24/7 b******* calling people names being judgmental. my soul is drained I'm not even me anymore.

    #MightyTogether #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #Depression

    1 reaction 1 comment
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    Shamed, embarrassed, I feel like a spectacle that everyone loves to laugh at

    I was in public yesterday, shopping at a reptile store, and some jerk decided to do some thing. He wanted my social media. I said like sorry I asked him to repeat himself because I didn’t hear what he said, and he was like “wow. I feel like I’m talking to my 65-year-old grandpa j***** c*****! Hahaha” rolled his eyes as he laughed. Gave me a panic attack and I was shaking so bad because of my tremors and anxiety makes it worse. I said “I have memory loss so please give me a break, I’m doing my best.” and he said “Yeah. we all have memory loss” like brushed it off. Yeah I know; you don’t have memory loss like I do. I have a severe traumatic brain injury. I was resuscitated, DAI, I suffered moderate shearing, I bled in all 4 ventricles of my brain, bruising, bleeding, swelling, and was in a coma for three weeks, it was like being born again. I suffered significant brain damage. Im missing pieces of my brain from DAI I shouldn’t even be alive right now. I have short-term and long-term memory loss. I lost my mind. Like literally. I’m so hurt and offended. I hate when people say s*** like that to me because they don’t get to tell me about my disability. It’s MY business, my life, my present, past, and future, it’s me. So your opinion doesn’t mean shit to me and I don’t fucking need it. All I want is to numb this pain. I want it to stop. I want to stop thinking in circles of dread. I feel like an alien on the planet and I shouldn’t be here. I feel like something is wrong and a mistake was made when I woke up.

    32 reactions 15 comments
    Post

    #Coma #MentalHealthHero

    Transformation is painful and messy at first, hang in there because it's also rewarding and empowering.
    👍👋

    1 reaction
    Post

    Tired, blues and overthinking

    Hi, so tired these days, briefly up at 3 am, putting out garbage before the rain and snow storm would come, went for tea at which point my man espoused that I had stopped cooking, which I had not, only lessenned it, after cooking for 15 years, so got beads to lessen beats, cause that works, may your hands always be busy may your feet always be swift, may you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift, hmmm, so then kid goes out for cabbage soup and theres who I think is the bully of the far grocery store standing in the cold, I would do a stranger a kind turn, but not a bully, so there were three adventures, the tea, St Louis and the concert with the marshmallows, so just played very flirty cards, cleaned the fridge, worry how salmon cooked can keep 2 and a half weeks, arranged to make food then thought I'd fast then thought I'd get some wine, in lieu of how bad cigarettes taste, then threw out ripped pyjamas and almost froze, so retreated to watch A Christmas Carol while being yelled at, Sir Walter Scotch version, and now I'm writing Mighty, meanwhile haven't served myself or others wine since ill fated yelling Halloween, listened to old man, gave adresses of family quilters, Godmother included, fed dogs pickles, collected thousands of wrappers and rice pudding bowls, pondered over why child would buy mushy cabbage, and now watch small dog in pickle induced coma rest on favourite blanket, the end

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    Hitting Bottom With Everything

    Hi everyone. I’ve been having a really hard time for a LONG time, and I need to get things out of my head tonight. As some of you know I’ve been having health problems for quite awhile, plus dealing with the loss of my Dad and now my precious baby Roxie. Well, I dont know if Ive mentioned it very often, but I also have a problem with overeating. Ive been doing it mostly since Daddy passed in 2020, and it’s become really painful physically yet I can’t stop. I barely remember the past two weeks since my sweet dog-baby passed because I’ve just been binging, sleeping, and playing my video games. I haven’t gotten real help for my grief over Dad yet, and now I see how Im doing the same thing with losing little Rox—eating myself into a coma and still not getting the help I really need. I know that at this point I dont consciously want to atuff my feelings down—-I WANT to think of Daddy and Rox and cry, really feel this emotional pain. But this other part of me, a part that seems almost like another person, takes over and somehow Im driving to the store totally on impulse, getting God knows what, then coming home and eating it. I hate this so much. I feel totally out of control, lonely as hell, and in incredible pain—every day and every night. Im actually afraid that one day my body will just give out and I wont even get the chance to get my health back or have a good life. Its hard too because I know I need a counselor and OA. But I haven’t made an effort to do either one yet. I have gotten OA books and have been reading them, which is good. But I haven’t reached out to anyone yet. I think maybe deep down Im afraid I wont be able to get better, and I know that I need to deal with the overeating first or else other health problems related to my stomach and huge weight loss wont be able to be healed. Im so tired of being alone with all of these problems I just feel overwhelmed. I want my life back, myself back, my weight back, my health back, my parents back, and my lil Roxie back. All of the losses and health problems have lead me into overeating and not taking care of myself at all. And I wish so much that I had people in my f2f life like you guys who could help me. I wish I were surrounded by people who were loving, patient, encouraging, respectful, and able to help me with things. I dont like to envy others, but its been so long since I’ve had these kind of relationships (if ever) that when I see or read about people who have good relationships with spouses, siblings, living parents, close friends, etc I just want to cry. When I look around here I see myself and my remaining pets. Thats it. Im alone when Im sick, at appointments, grieving, rushing pets to appointments, having the house and its issues to cope with——all of it. And I literally can’t take it anymore. In just the past two days I’ve had the heater go out, got a flat tire, and learned that my electrical system might need serious work. Im on a really tight budget and trying to get on SSI or SS Disability, so I definitely cant afford these kinds of things. 😔

    I dont know. I just had to get this out tonight. It helps tremendously to write in my journal and get thjngs out that way, but sometimes I need to let other people know whats going on in my life. I appreciate you guys listening.

    #Grief #ED #Pets #Bipolar #ADD #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue

    25 reactions 6 comments
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    Why I know I am Dying

    People have been asking exactly what is going on medically and how I know I am dying… so here goes a bit of an explanation. I am extremely complex, as such no one can say exactly what I will die of or when. Unfortunately, it’s not like cancer where there are many cases that can be drawn from to predict outcomes more easily. I don’t list all my medical conditions, hence the …, but if you want to know more I am an open book.

    Factor 1, endocrine: most of my endocrine system is shut down; I produce few hormones. I don’t make the key ones like Cortisol, testosterone, ACTH, estrogen, etc., this means my body cannot regulate itself. (When an average person experiences physical or emotional stress their body produces more cortisol, mine cannot do this and if cortisol is not produced the body goes in to shut down and eventually coma and death). This puts me at high risk for dying from adrenal crisis. This is most likely what I will pass from.

    Factor 2, genetic: I also have genetic conditions (mitochondrial, Ehler’s Danlos, Carnatine deficiency…). Your mitochondria are the building blocks, so I have bad building blocks to start with. Ehler’s Danlos effects your connective tissue, so basically I am built with bad glue that no longer holds me together and carnitine is your energy, so my body is losing fuel.

    Factor 3: autoimmune conditions (Premature ovarian insufficiency, Raynauds, celiac…). My premature ovarian insufficiency caused my endocrine system to start shutting down and conditions like Raynaud’s and Celiac disease put extra stress on my body causing other conditions to worsen.

    Factor 4: medications; I take over 100 mg of steroids a day and those have caused my liver to stop functioning properly; I have steroid induced myopathy (my muscles are wasting away), they caused my Ehlers Danlos to speed up, which has caused my tendons/joints to break down faster, they have also caused bone issues so I fracture very easily. There are also several other side effects from other medication that I have taken, such as gastrointestinal issues that put a great deal of stress on my body.

    Factor 5: other medical conditions. My bleeding disorder makes it so I bruise/bleed very easily and puts me at risk for internal bleeding. Add to that my Asthma, Mast Cell Activation Disorder (masts cell allergic reactions daily, risk of anaphylaxis…), osteoarthritis (increased pain levels and decreased physical function) and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (This is a condition that impacts my entire body; from digestion, to breathing, to heart rate, to temperature regulation; it is a dysregulation of the entire orthostatic system).

    My body is a spicy disaster. I have been holding myself together through sheer willpower and stubbornness basically. Lol. Those of you that know me, know that for the past almost 5 years, since my diagnosis I have been pushing very hard to find a unifying diagnosis, basically this is a diagnosis that can tie everything together. As far as we can tell, this doesn’t exist. I was just dealt a shitty hand of multiple medical issues that don’t play nicely together. I have managed my conditions by being my own advocate, doing extensive research and setting my life up to be as optimal as possible. Using exercise, diet and any other tool I could to find the optimal functioning for my body. Unfortunately, my body just reached a point where no matter how much medication, good food, daily exercise and positive attitude I have it is just tired and breaking down. Some people have asked how I know I am dying if doctors can’t predict an exact cause or date. First, I must say that gaslighting, questioning what someone knows about their own body and medical conditions is not cool, even when it comes from a place of care and concern. Second, I am a very well educated person who understands medical research very well and uses empirical evidence like scans, bloodwork, X-rays, the visual signs such as twisted bones/bruising, etc. to make decisions and draw conclusions. I listen to my medical professionals and care team. I also draw off of those people in my personal support team and their observations (some of whom have medical training). I do not say I am dying lightly and it is not “giving up”, it is knowing I am at the end and instead of spending that time fighting the inevitable I choose to spend my time finding joy and peace. Life is always more good than bad and I am going to find my bliss to the very end! Much love.

    Chris

    #Abunchofrarediseases
    #AddisonsDisease #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #EhlersDanlosSyndrome
    #PTSD #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #Migraine
    #Asthma #CeliacDisease #MitochondrialDisease #MastCellActivationDisorder #Trauma
    #RaynaudsPhenomenon #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Disability #DistractMe #dying

    14 reactions 28 comments
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    Listen & Learn

    So how I listen so how learned, time was cut short for me to have fun. Serious I was, had no choice, it had to be me because there was no one else. To act like an adult at the age of five, had no choice my mom almost died. In the hospital coma she was, stuck living with my grandparents just because.

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    Psychedelic treatment

    Evertyine I typed the word it erases but here goes.

    I am desperately looking for treatment. I’ve been sick 35 years c-ptsd, MDDall that’s comes with.
    I have had many suicide attempts that have left me in a coma and now completely alone after raising my beautiful babies for 19 years.
    My husband of 25 has left in the most disgusting of ways and I’m left with no more option. And no one who cares. I’m unable to speak my True condition as I am always under the threat of the insect I’ve hospital that my husband will absolutely go to town with.

    I have done, traditional talk, cbt, dbt, emdr, 15 etc, Tms, ketamine, stellate ganglion block,. Finally after too many years and some testing we found that most classes of medication are ineffective with my brain chemistry.

    I am alone. I need help, I believe psylocibin or mdma has shown to be proven effective in several studies and made decriminalized in some states. Even some making exceptions for severe cases as most are still in trials. I never make it ina trial and I don’t have that kind of time. I have been waiting to get an insurance approval for a vagus nerve stimulator but all I do is wait for calls and I’m sure I’ll lose my govt insurance anyway. Please realize this is about trauma, not drugs. So please refrain from telling me your judgement, but if you have encouragement, insight, a valid true contact of any kids, I’m not on any social media at all. Please. And flow me with a response. I never see any replies.
    God bless you!

    1 comment