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    Hitting Bottom With Everything

    Hi everyone. I’ve been having a really hard time for a LONG time, and I need to get things out of my head tonight. As some of you know I’ve been having health problems for quite awhile, plus dealing with the loss of my Dad and now my precious baby Roxie. Well, I dont know if Ive mentioned it very often, but I also have a problem with overeating. Ive been doing it mostly since Daddy passed in 2020, and it’s become really painful physically yet I can’t stop. I barely remember the past two weeks since my sweet dog-baby passed because I’ve just been binging, sleeping, and playing my video games. I haven’t gotten real help for my grief over Dad yet, and now I see how Im doing the same thing with losing little Rox—eating myself into a coma and still not getting the help I really need. I know that at this point I dont consciously want to atuff my feelings down—-I WANT to think of Daddy and Rox and cry, really feel this emotional pain. But this other part of me, a part that seems almost like another person, takes over and somehow Im driving to the store totally on impulse, getting God knows what, then coming home and eating it. I hate this so much. I feel totally out of control, lonely as hell, and in incredible pain—every day and every night. Im actually afraid that one day my body will just give out and I wont even get the chance to get my health back or have a good life. Its hard too because I know I need a counselor and OA. But I haven’t made an effort to do either one yet. I have gotten OA books and have been reading them, which is good. But I haven’t reached out to anyone yet. I think maybe deep down Im afraid I wont be able to get better, and I know that I need to deal with the overeating first or else other health problems related to my stomach and huge weight loss wont be able to be healed. Im so tired of being alone with all of these problems I just feel overwhelmed. I want my life back, myself back, my weight back, my health back, my parents back, and my lil Roxie back. All of the losses and health problems have lead me into overeating and not taking care of myself at all. And I wish so much that I had people in my f2f life like you guys who could help me. I wish I were surrounded by people who were loving, patient, encouraging, respectful, and able to help me with things. I dont like to envy others, but its been so long since I’ve had these kind of relationships (if ever) that when I see or read about people who have good relationships with spouses, siblings, living parents, close friends, etc I just want to cry. When I look around here I see myself and my remaining pets. Thats it. Im alone when Im sick, at appointments, grieving, rushing pets to appointments, having the house and its issues to cope with——all of it. And I literally can’t take it anymore. In just the past two days I’ve had the heater go out, got a flat tire, and learned that my electrical system might need serious work. Im on a really tight budget and trying to get on SSI or SS Disability, so I definitely cant afford these kinds of things. 😔

    I dont know. I just had to get this out tonight. It helps tremendously to write in my journal and get thjngs out that way, but sometimes I need to let other people know whats going on in my life. I appreciate you guys listening.

    #Grief #ED #Pets #Bipolar #ADD #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue

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    Why I know I am Dying

    People have been asking exactly what is going on medically and how I know I am dying… so here goes a bit of an explanation. I am extremely complex, as such no one can say exactly what I will die of or when. Unfortunately, it’s not like cancer where there are many cases that can be drawn from to predict outcomes more easily. I don’t list all my medical conditions, hence the …, but if you want to know more I am an open book.

    Factor 1, endocrine: most of my endocrine system is shut down; I produce few hormones. I don’t make the key ones like Cortisol, testosterone, ACTH, estrogen, etc., this means my body cannot regulate itself. (When an average person experiences physical or emotional stress their body produces more cortisol, mine cannot do this and if cortisol is not produced the body goes in to shut down and eventually coma and death). This puts me at high risk for dying from adrenal crisis. This is most likely what I will pass from.

    Factor 2, genetic: I also have genetic conditions (mitochondrial, Ehler’s Danlos, Carnatine deficiency…). Your mitochondria are the building blocks, so I have bad building blocks to start with. Ehler’s Danlos effects your connective tissue, so basically I am built with bad glue that no longer holds me together and carnitine is your energy, so my body is losing fuel.

    Factor 3: autoimmune conditions (Premature ovarian insufficiency, Raynauds, celiac…). My premature ovarian insufficiency caused my endocrine system to start shutting down and conditions like Raynaud’s and Celiac disease put extra stress on my body causing other conditions to worsen.

    Factor 4: medications; I take over 100 mg of steroids a day and those have caused my liver to stop functioning properly; I have steroid induced myopathy (my muscles are wasting away), they caused my Ehlers Danlos to speed up, which has caused my tendons/joints to break down faster, they have also caused bone issues so I fracture very easily. There are also several other side effects from other medication that I have taken, such as gastrointestinal issues that put a great deal of stress on my body.

    Factor 5: other medical conditions. My bleeding disorder makes it so I bruise/bleed very easily and puts me at risk for internal bleeding. Add to that my Asthma, Mast Cell Activation Disorder (masts cell allergic reactions daily, risk of anaphylaxis…), osteoarthritis (increased pain levels and decreased physical function) and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (This is a condition that impacts my entire body; from digestion, to breathing, to heart rate, to temperature regulation; it is a dysregulation of the entire orthostatic system).

    My body is a spicy disaster. I have been holding myself together through sheer willpower and stubbornness basically. Lol. Those of you that know me, know that for the past almost 5 years, since my diagnosis I have been pushing very hard to find a unifying diagnosis, basically this is a diagnosis that can tie everything together. As far as we can tell, this doesn’t exist. I was just dealt a shitty hand of multiple medical issues that don’t play nicely together. I have managed my conditions by being my own advocate, doing extensive research and setting my life up to be as optimal as possible. Using exercise, diet and any other tool I could to find the optimal functioning for my body. Unfortunately, my body just reached a point where no matter how much medication, good food, daily exercise and positive attitude I have it is just tired and breaking down. Some people have asked how I know I am dying if doctors can’t predict an exact cause or date. First, I must say that gaslighting, questioning what someone knows about their own body and medical conditions is not cool, even when it comes from a place of care and concern. Second, I am a very well educated person who understands medical research very well and uses empirical evidence like scans, bloodwork, X-rays, the visual signs such as twisted bones/bruising, etc. to make decisions and draw conclusions. I listen to my medical professionals and care team. I also draw off of those people in my personal support team and their observations (some of whom have medical training). I do not say I am dying lightly and it is not “giving up”, it is knowing I am at the end and instead of spending that time fighting the inevitable I choose to spend my time finding joy and peace. Life is always more good than bad and I am going to find my bliss to the very end! Much love.

    Chris

    #Abunchofrarediseases
    #AddisonsDisease #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #EhlersDanlosSyndrome
    #PTSD #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #Migraine
    #Asthma #CeliacDisease #MitochondrialDisease #MastCellActivationDisorder #Trauma
    #RaynaudsPhenomenon #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Disability #DistractMe #dying

    13 reactions 28 comments
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    Listen & Learn

    So how I listen so how learned, time was cut short for me to have fun. Serious I was, had no choice, it had to be me because there was no one else. To act like an adult at the age of five, had no choice my mom almost died. In the hospital coma she was, stuck living with my grandparents just because.

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    Aged 12, diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes -23 years later! How different does it feel…

    In April 1999, I started getting extremely ill, getting very tired and loosing lots of weight. After a few days of not really understanding what was happening, I lost consciousness and was rushed to hospital. I woke up in the emergency room, with needles pocking out of my arms, tubes everywhere and doctors and nurses trying to talk to me, but it all felt like a weird dream. I was later told that I had had a diabetic coma and that I was diabetic type 1. My first autoimmune disease: I thought my world had ended. Accepting my diabetes was very hard for me; it took me years before I truly accepted it and let it stop controlling me.

    I will never forget the first doctor who treated me for my diabetes at this hospital in Marbella; he simply had no compassion. When I gained consciousness and my mother arrived at the hospital, he showed me insulin and syringes and told me that I would have to inject myself three times a day and simply walked away. The next morning, I was checked out of hospital although my physical condition was still very poor. I came back home faced with this new sickness I didn’t understand anything about. I knew I had to inject myself and that was it, I didn’t understand why, how, or what was happening to me. Fearing needles since I was a kid, I had panic attacks whenever blood was drawn from me did not help with the acceptance of my diabetes. The first few weeks were a nightmare for everyone, I didn’t know how to inject myself so my mum had to; she would run after me before every injection because I wouldn’t let her touch me.

    We finally decided in June that I should go spend some time in a hospital in Paris where both me and my parents would get to understand diabetes. I went to Paris for 10 days and got educated on diabetes but to be honest understanding what was happening to me made me resent my condition even more.

    The next year and half were complete disasters. I was angry at the world; I couldn’t understand why I was so different. I was outraged that my diabetes required me to be responsible when every kid around me was just the opposite. So, I decided that the best way to express my anger was to self-sabotaging. The clearest way to me was to neglect my diabetes, and that is exactly what I did for a year and half. I wouldn’t do my injections, or I would eat tons of sugar when I wasn’t meant to. This resulted in me ending up in a near diabetic coma in hospital almost every three weeks. The hospital room almost became my second home, to the point where the local joke was that I should decorate the hospital room to my liking as I was spending more time in there than in my actual room.

    At the age of 16, another doctor sat me down and caught on with my self-sabotaging. He calmly looked at me and told me straight up, diabetes today can be very well managed, you can live a very normal life with barely any complications if you decide to get your act together and start taking care of yourself. Or you can continue this self-sabotaging of yours and die a very slow painful death where no one will be able to take you out of your misery. You see the thing is with diabetes, is that neglecting treatment doesn’t cause immediate damage, it takes time, it hurts, and your body slowly gives up bit by bit. That speech changed me and although it took me another 10 years to really start taking care of myself properly, something changed that day and I stopped the conscious sabotaging.

    It took me 10 years to properly understand that diabetes took discipline and that if I incorporated that discipline in my daily routine, the steps I needed to take every day where like brushing my teeth, taking a shower, and getting dressed. It was a matter of understanding that I needed to use insulin to live, to change my eating habits without completely depriving myself from everything and to learn that the more I moved even if it was just walking the better. The day I realized all these things, I realized I didn’t need to fight diabetes, it could become part of my daily routine.

    With that realization came so much peace and came so much gratitude. I finally felt comfortable in my body, I finally felt healthy, and I finally felt like I was in control again.

    23 years on, I almost forget I am type 1 diabetic. Injections are part of my daily routine, eating a healthy diet and allowing myself from time to time to have dessert has never been easier and moving my body to feel better has never felt so right. Had I been well informed and to a certain extent well coached when I first found out I had diabetes, things would have been so much easier. I advise people who first get diagnosed whatever their age, to read a lot about it, to ask their doctors as many questions as they want, to see a good nutritionist that will guide them through carb counting and healthy eating and to get into a sports routine with someone that has a minimum of an understanding of what diabetes is. Doing too much exercise and not eating enough for example is a recipe for a hypoglycemia which is not pleasant at all.

    If I had one wish, is that I had met other diabetic kids when I was younger, maybe that would have helped, and I wouldn’t have taken that long to regain power. If I had had better doctors who instead of forcing information on me, listened to me and had been a bit more understanding it would have also helped. I would have probably not taken so long to gain control of my body. I am extremely lucky 23 years down the line and now with numerous other autoimmune diseases that have been diagnosed, that my diabetes is so well controlled I almost forget I have it. My HbA1c varies between 6 and 7, I have no diabetic complications despite having other serious health problems which is a miracle! And I am grateful that getting diabetes thought me discipline and gave me strength that I may have not gained especially that I have used it to face many other health challenges that came as I got older.

    My two cents on the topic are the sooner you accept something the simpler it becomes. Of course, this is easier said than done, but it’s quite straightforward really, when you don’t have a choice, it all comes down to accepting. #Type1Diabetes #ChronicIllness #AutoimmuneDisease #autoimmune #dailystrugles

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    Psychedelic treatment

    Evertyine I typed the word it erases but here goes.

    I am desperately looking for treatment. I’ve been sick 35 years c-ptsd, MDDall that’s comes with.
    I have had many suicide attempts that have left me in a coma and now completely alone after raising my beautiful babies for 19 years.
    My husband of 25 has left in the most disgusting of ways and I’m left with no more option. And no one who cares. I’m unable to speak my True condition as I am always under the threat of the insect I’ve hospital that my husband will absolutely go to town with.

    I have done, traditional talk, cbt, dbt, emdr, 15 etc, Tms, ketamine, stellate ganglion block,. Finally after too many years and some testing we found that most classes of medication are ineffective with my brain chemistry.

    I am alone. I need help, I believe psylocibin or mdma has shown to be proven effective in several studies and made decriminalized in some states. Even some making exceptions for severe cases as most are still in trials. I never make it ina trial and I don’t have that kind of time. I have been waiting to get an insurance approval for a vagus nerve stimulator but all I do is wait for calls and I’m sure I’ll lose my govt insurance anyway. Please realize this is about trauma, not drugs. So please refrain from telling me your judgement, but if you have encouragement, insight, a valid true contact of any kids, I’m not on any social media at all. Please. And flow me with a response. I never see any replies.
    God bless you!

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    I’m new here!

    Hi, my name is lonelyhart21. I'm here because I am passively suicidal and my heart hurts all the time. I recently had an incident with a family member who is a narcissist and belittled me my entire life. I have a soft heart and tried to help this person recently and they continued to use and manipulate me no matter how much I gave to help them. I ended up being hurt physically and mentally. My son is suffering some of the same because of this person. My job has suffered as well and I am always feeling like I am walking on eggshells at work and at home. Some days I just want to eat myself into a coma but my son is my reason for not doing something selfish. I recently read an article by someone on this site that gave me the inspiration to keep fighting no matter what, so I am here.. in the middle of the night… reading so that I can convince myself that it is OK to not be OK 100% of the time.

    #MightyTogether #BipolarDisorder #Migraine #Anxiety #PTSD #OCD #Grief #EatingDisorder

    7 comments
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    Hi

    Hi, my name is Jessica. I have posted on here several times and haven’t received one message of support or acknowledgment of the people that I have responded to, not that I expect ppl to say anything, but not one is a little weird to me, especially with the amount of support I see others getting. So I’m wondering if I didn’t post right or made some other mistake. About 2 weeks ago I attempted suicide, and almost succeeded. I was on a ventilator and in a coma and life flighted. It was weird, just a normal day struggling with bpd, ptsd but not anything exceptional. That night I started taking the pills to help me sleep, I have terrible insomnia with nightmares when I do sleep. And I just kept finding different pills and downing them not really thinking about anything, except going the sleep and escaping the pain. I wasn’t thinking about family or anything, and really I was surprised to wake up in the hospital. I guess my mom had found me, barely alive. A little longer I wouldn’t have made it. I am both pissed and happy. Because I should of been thinking about my daughter, and I’m ashamed that it didn’t really cross my mind. She’s 15 smokes weed every day and is a alcoholic. Before that she had done so so many things to purposely hurt me. But she didn’t deserve what I did. There are times when we are closer but she knows how to make me feel the worst. Because of my Illness I’ve always questioned if I was a good mom because I took parenting classes and did everything I could to be a good mom. And that’s where she hit. That I traumatized her with my nightmares, etc. I have never been mean to her no matter what she did, she got what she needed and more. I have always been there for her, taking whatever she threw at me. If she needed to vent. Never ever hit her or emotionally abused her in anyway, I stopped my life 15 years ago to be a mom. Never leaving her with a babysitter, never going out because I wanted to be there. Her father went to prison when she was 4 months old and got out when she was 7. No child support, or money at all after he got out, no visits, cards. No one in his family. So I wanted to be there. I don’t know where I am even going with this, but I wanted to see if I would even get anyone to take the time to read this. To support and be supported by. I hope everyone is doing as good as possible today, and all my thoughts, prayers and love is to lose who are hurting.

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    I just slept 18 hour and haven’t slept much in weeks. I guess by body had enough and was like nope I’m putting you in a mini coma . #MixedConnectiveTissueDisease #Depression #Anxiety #Flareup #Trauma

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    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is Gwen_6. I'm here because I am a single, older mom with disabilities who is the primary caregiver of my adult daughter, 36 yrs old, who already has several chronic physical illnesses and mental health issues who recently suffered major complications after elective surgery for gastroparesis and was septic and has PTSD after being in ICU on a ventilator. She lost her job, has no income, is disabled and malnutritioned with feeding tube and IV port. She feels hopeless and I am exhausted. Her dad, my EX, lives far from her but finally came during her hospital stay and then left after taking her to her own home. He caused major problems to me with his sudden taking control over her while she was in a coma and I was her health care POA, but nobody respected her 5 wishes. She is not nice when she doesn't feel well and I try every day to be positive and keep her hopes alive but I can't do this alone and I can't cover her mortgage and debts and utilities as I am on SSDI and struggle. Her Gofundme ran out and I can't find her help for personal cares and some chores in her home and she is waiting to get appeal for SSDI or SSI and it's 3-6 months wait so nobody will help her until SS approves her. She is now on Medicaid but she can't live without funds and she needs to keep her house she can't move in with me. Her sister is 21 and they won't talk anymore. She has EDS but is adopted but my bio daughter has many similar characteristics of EDS. I'm suffering from trauma taking care of her needs because of her many needs and she doesn't treat me very good at times and I'm her driver and her only person who is available after she's been home 3 months. My 21 year old is living in my home but i barely see her and I have a cat dying of liver cancer.

    #Depression #Migraine

    3 comments