Part 2 of 3 arkness. Weakness is a sign of disregarding yourself as a human being.
For years I have been stuck. For years I have been lost in my own darkness.
Yes, the past may be complex and filled with illusion. But it’s how we got here. Remember that.
I have always opened up to people and maybe that’s exactly why I have few close friends.
I just can’t help it. I love people. I guess I want others to love me too. But I need to reflect here. Being #BipolarDisorder does not identify who I am as a person. Although I am a quiet person, I can also be the life and soul of the party, as the expression goes…
But right now we’re in a Pandemic and I am living in a foreign country where I barely speak the language. I feel so ashamed of myself for not grasping the language quickly. I have to say its because I have been spending these last few years rebuilding who I am. Who I was for ten years, was a shadow of who I am today. I am so much more than this condition. But I have to reflect on what I have been telling others and making myself accidentally vulnerable by telling the wrong person about my past.
At the core of it, I am okay with who I am, how I act and who I have been. This story is about climbing out of a hole that I buried myself in with the help of others too. This story is about self recognition and self acceptance, and sometimes, being buried under so much emotion, feeling lost and incapable. I have called this an emotional #Coma . I call it being stuck in one for a decade and now I’ve woken up out of it. Now I am compelled to share my story.
In a song that I wrote, a lyric says, “ I have lived a thousand lives, told a thousand lies to break free”
I wouldn’t write that if I didn’t feel it to be true.
So part of my story is what happened in my early twenties..
I gave my daughter away. Well, I wish it were as simple as that sentence. She was taken away, but in the end I had to give her up.I became pregnant at twenty-one going on twenty-two, gave birth just after my twenty-second birthday. I was sectioned when I was in the late stages of pregnancy. I wanted her. I wanted to keep her so badly but a few weeks after her birth the doctors halved my medication and I went into a deep #Depression . I don’t remember much about the process but as I have been told the story goes like this..I was in a chaotic state when I was pregnant and in a volatile #Relationships with a self serving and impatient man. We had a tumultuous #Relationships . It ended after I lost a custody battle of my daughter, and it felt like my life was over too. I felt like I lost my daughter and a man whom I thought that I had loved very much.
In retrospect, I was too unwell in the first place to handle a child, and I was too vulnerable to handle a volatile #Relationships . I still feel, today, that the gravity of the said #Relationships destroyed my life for years.
But I have to ask myself, where am I now? I live in one of the most beautiful parts of the world, and I have to be thankful for that. I may feel greatly alone and swirl in my emotional pain, but I am still here. And yes I have been temporarily homeless, pregnant..I have abused drugs and I have have had a pretty violent and tumultuous #Relationships that rapidly worsened my illness, but that’s all in the past now.
I should feel free of it. Right? We can take so much from our past and let it dictate our future. When we forget that, we do not need to challenge ourselves by repeating history. We need to let ourselves go by living and learning.
4 PENANCE OF SUFFERING
But how does one manage the impact of the suffering caused not just to myself but to family as well? I try not to dwell so much, in fact I am doing quite the opposite, or at least trying to. It’s baggage that leaves a trail beyond defeat. Everyone has baggage and I know that I’m not alone there.
But then at times, like this, when I’m lying in my bed and feeling quite bewildered, sad and feeling alone I think to myself, no one’s life is perfect, because everyone has their own story whether or not it’s a fairytale.
I’ve behaved so badly in my life time that now I am the exact opposite from the character I used to be. Sometimes, it’s as if I am mute, but that’s also because I am still traumatised by my past.
I’ve certainly lost my confidence and my thriving get up and go attitude. I haven’t been so full of life since I was a teenager. However, I am determined to reconnect w