Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

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I don’t think I can do this anymore #SuicidalThoughts #DomesticAbuse #Trauma #CPTSD #ineedhelp

I posted this yesterday but deleted it… I am so much worse today…. Hence the title. I’m losing control and I’m scared. I’ve reached out to the only help I have and my mom doesn’t understand how badly I’m doing right now. Her answer you can’t give up you have to get through it.
But I’m kinda past that point. So this post from yesterday is really outdated but I don’t have the energy to write another.

I’m having so much trouble finding joy. I’m miserable lately and I feel like I shouldn’t be. I’ve had a major decline in my mental state and I’m struggling to get out of it. I’m struggling to breathe. I’m probably in one of my deepest depressions in my life and I’m not sure how I’m going to get to the other side of this one. I have a lot I need to get through in the next few weeks and I’m just trying to get through until the end of June. But then July will be here and I’ll have to face that. I feel like I’m always just trying to get through time with nothing to look forward to because I don’t find joy in anything anymore. I’m just here and wish I wasn’t. I have to get through the next couple weeks because a friend/my employer needs me to take care of her mother while she’s away for a week and a half so I have to keep it together until the end of June so I don’t let her down or let on to her how badly I’m doing. But I’m having trouble getting mentally prepared for that when I’m this depressed. It’s awful. I’ve barely been able to care for myself lately so this trip feels very daunting. I’ve done this so many times for her and know I can do it I’m just really struggling to get myself prepared this time around. It’s going to take a lot out of me but I just need to get through it. I’m dreading it and want to be past it because my regular day to day is hard enough right now. This trip is coming at a really bad time. I’m trying to muster up the energy and get mentally prepared for this but I’m having a really really hard time doing this. Having this big responsibility right now is really overwhelming me. I’m having trouble just trying to wrap my head around basic things right now. This feels too big. I always feel guilty when things like this feel big and hard to me because I have no one that understands why it’s so hard for me. When I’m like this I feel so alone. I feel stupid and weak for struggling so much over things that I should be able to do. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn’t feel like I’m spinning out of control. I wish I had any feelings of self worth. I’ve felt so bad about myself lately and I don’t know how to change that. #Depression #feelingalone #Anxiety #overwhelmed #lost #stressed #

87 reactions 22 comments
Post

I don’t think I can do this anymore #SuicidalThoughts #DomesticAbuse #Trauma #CPTSD #ineedhelp

I posted this yesterday but deleted it… I am so much worse today…. Hence the title. I’m losing control and I’m scared. I’ve reached out to the only help I have and my mom doesn’t understand how badly I’m doing right now. Her answer you can’t give up you have to get through it.
But I’m kinda past that point. So this post from yesterday is really outdated but I don’t have the energy to write another.

I’m having so much trouble finding joy. I’m miserable lately and I feel like I shouldn’t be. I’ve had a major decline in my mental state and I’m struggling to get out of it. I’m struggling to breathe. I’m probably in one of my deepest depressions in my life and I’m not sure how I’m going to get to the other side of this one. I have a lot I need to get through in the next few weeks and I’m just trying to get through until the end of June. But then July will be here and I’ll have to face that. I feel like I’m always just trying to get through time with nothing to look forward to because I don’t find joy in anything anymore. I’m just here and wish I wasn’t. I have to get through the next couple weeks because a friend/my employer needs me to take care of her mother while she’s away for a week and a half so I have to keep it together until the end of June so I don’t let her down or let on to her how badly I’m doing. But I’m having trouble getting mentally prepared for that when I’m this depressed. It’s awful. I’ve barely been able to care for myself lately so this trip feels very daunting. I’ve done this so many times for her and know I can do it I’m just really struggling to get myself prepared this time around. It’s going to take a lot out of me but I just need to get through it. I’m dreading it and want to be past it because my regular day to day is hard enough right now. This trip is coming at a really bad time. I’m trying to muster up the energy and get mentally prepared for this but I’m having a really really hard time doing this. Having this big responsibility right now is really overwhelming me. I’m having trouble just trying to wrap my head around basic things right now. This feels too big. I always feel guilty when things like this feel big and hard to me because I have no one that understands why it’s so hard for me. When I’m like this I feel so alone. I feel stupid and weak for struggling so much over things that I should be able to do. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn’t feel like I’m spinning out of control. I wish I had any feelings of self worth. I’ve felt so bad about myself lately and I don’t know how to change that. #Depression #feelingalone #Anxiety #overwhelmed #lost #stressed #

87 reactions 22 comments
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Share a glimmer you recently found or one you’d like to find.

Glimmers can be thought of as a counterpart to negative triggers. Glimmers are the little moments throughout the day that bring you a sense of safety, calm, or even joy and a moment of mindfulness. Glimmers can be spontaneous, like when your favorite song comes on the radio, or more purposeful, such as taking 30 seconds to look out the window at nature.

The reasoning behind the effectiveness of glimmers is rooted in polyvagal theory, which describes the relationship between our autonomic nervous system (fight-or-flight; rest-and-digest) and our mental health as interconnected and causing fluctuations in our sense of safety. This theory suggests that our behaviors adapt to how safe we feel in response to actual and perceived threats.

While searching for glimmers won’t undo any trauma or magically take away negative thoughts, situations, and feelings, it can be helpful to practice this skill and invite some extra joy into your day.

Let’s try to find a glimmer (or two) today!

✨ P.S. You can learn more about glimmers and tips for finding them here: Glimmers Might Be Your New Favorite Mental Health Hack

#MightyMinute #DistractMe #CheckInWithMe #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #Depression #Disability #ChronicPain #Caregiving #RareDisease #Fibromyalgia #BipolarDisorder #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Spoonie

Glimmers Might Be Your New Favorite Mental Health Hack

These flickers of comfort are often hyped as the “opposite of triggers.” Here's how to find more glimmers in your life.
60 reactions 19 comments
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I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm terrified of screwing up, stressed and sooooo damn lonely it hurts. Lately I just can't stop crying.

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

12 reactions 3 comments
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I’m so confused.

After all that had happened, I’m very confused about my feelings. I spoke up, the abuse has ended (for now, things could go back), but I still feel guilty. I feel that as a person, I feel undesirable. I’m damaged goods. You’d think that this would be the first step in marketing a change in the right direction, but it’s all a blur and I still feel like I’m to blame for all of this. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Abuse

44 reactions 7 comments
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Really, really struggling

I am having a really tough time finding the motivation to keep doing anything. I feel like it is so hopeless, what's the point. I have been fighting this illness for 40 years (since I was about 10)

I have been on disability for 4 years. Health benefits ran out last year. My psychologist gives me one session for free every month, but that is definitely not enough, I can't pay for more and I can't make any progress.
This is my 3rd major episode with my MDD in 8 years (each time is worse than the last and I am so tired. I have tried everything, and I mean everything. Meds galore, ECT (which really helped but I won't do it again due to short term memory issues as a result of it), ketamine in conjunction with TMS (unsuccessful) and I am a crap magnet for side effects, like really bad. I had tendonitis in my calf once that wouldn't go away, I went to my doctor and her student came in first and just told me to lose weight( struggled all my life).
I told her I had been at my job for a over a decade, working on my feet, that my weight was stable, and I had not had an injury, no changes at all. She just shrugged so I went researching on all my meds....after hours and days, I found an article that stated that tendonitis was a possible side effect of hormone infused iud. IUD came out and the tendonitis disappeared in a few days.

I can't take sustained release because those make me have the very dark, twisty thoughts. Regular meds are just as tough with other unwanted side effects. I have the 2 meds I am on without side effects. 1 is at the daily max, and I can't tolerate increases of the other. I had to stop taking Xanax for my anxiety because it was causing nocturnal hypoxia, sometimes dangerously low 02. And all the other benzos are ruled out because, like Xanax, they have a very long half life is and that is the problem.

Everybody comes to me to solve things, and yet I can't fix myself, and have an elderly mum to look after. My beloved kitty Willow is 18 and has showed signs that the inevitable is one the way. I don't deal with loss well and she has been my rock for almost 20 years.

I am so tired, just want to give up, and just turn into a blank person who doesn't have to deal, and just stares out the window while slowly waiting for nature to take it's toll when I am 80 something. I feel like I am only existing and not truly living. Picture is of my darling girl Willow.
#MDD #BPD #Anxiety #Insomnia #CPTSD #ChronicPain #treatmentresistant #Dysthymia #losinghope

40 reactions 7 comments
Post
See full photo

Really, really struggling

I am having a really tough time finding the motivation to keep doing anything. I feel like it is so hopeless, what's the point. I have been fighting this illness for 40 years (since I was about 10)

I have been on disability for 4 years. Health benefits ran out last year. My psychologist gives me one session for free every month, but that is definitely not enough, I can't pay for more and I can't make any progress.
This is my 3rd major episode with my MDD in 8 years (each time is worse than the last and I am so tired. I have tried everything, and I mean everything. Meds galore, ECT (which really helped but I won't do it again due to short term memory issues as a result of it), ketamine in conjunction with TMS (unsuccessful) and I am a crap magnet for side effects, like really bad. I had tendonitis in my calf once that wouldn't go away, I went to my doctor and her student came in first and just told me to lose weight( struggled all my life).
I told her I had been at my job for a over a decade, working on my feet, that my weight was stable, and I had not had an injury, no changes at all. She just shrugged so I went researching on all my meds....after hours and days, I found an article that stated that tendonitis was a possible side effect of hormone infused iud. IUD came out and the tendonitis disappeared in a few days.

I can't take sustained release because those make me have the very dark, twisty thoughts. Regular meds are just as tough with other unwanted side effects. I have the 2 meds I am on without side effects. 1 is at the daily max, and I can't tolerate increases of the other. I had to stop taking Xanax for my anxiety because it was causing nocturnal hypoxia, sometimes dangerously low 02. And all the other benzos are ruled out because, like Xanax, they have a very long half life is and that is the problem.

Everybody comes to me to solve things, and yet I can't fix myself, and have an elderly mum to look after. My beloved kitty Willow is 18 and has showed signs that the inevitable is one the way. I don't deal with loss well and she has been my rock for almost 20 years.

I am so tired, just want to give up, and just turn into a blank person who doesn't have to deal, and just stares out the window while slowly waiting for nature to take it's toll when I am 80 something. I feel like I am only existing and not truly living. Picture is of my darling girl Willow.
#MDD #BPD #Anxiety #Insomnia #CPTSD #ChronicPain #treatmentresistant #Dysthymia #losinghope

40 reactions 7 comments
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I just want to disappear

I just want to curl up in a ball and become invisible and then disappear. I loathe every thing about me. I feel so useless and a burden. I hate that my husband has to deal with me. He has enough to deal with his 91 yr old ailing father. I try to keep my feelings hidden and disassociate from everything around me. I want to sleep and not wake up. I don't want to hurt my husband but I know he would be better off without me to worry about. I'm fat. I'm lazy. I say the wrong things. I'm always in pain so I can't clean my house. I don't have any friends. I wasn't able to have children. My husband's girls barely tolerate me. I'm sure they are embarrassed of me. I don't like leaving the house. I looked up poisonous hemlock and if grows where I live. I pretty sure it grows on the side of the road near my house. I have tons of medication I can take. It would be so easy and an end to the pain and constant hatred of myself. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BackPain #ChronicPain #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #BingeEatingDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

65 reactions 9 comments
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Life at this moment

Things are on shaky ground again, and for the first time, I feel very detached. I don’t mean it in a bad way either. I’ve always hated when people argued regardless if I’m there or if I hear it from a distance. In fact, I’ve always cried whenever it happens. In my teenage years, I kind of had to make myself numb so that I couldn’t cry, but it still effected me. Today, it still fills me with anxiety whenever I hear raised voices. To get to the point of it all… my parents have been arguing quite a bit. One morning I woke up and I couldn’t decipher if I was hearing a real argument or if my mind was replaying an old one. I think I finally got to the point in my life where I can look at my parents and conclude that they have to figure things out on their own as well as not feel the need to come and “save” my mom (in a way). I still feel deeply for a lot of the issues at hand because a number of them effect me to this day, but I chose to remain silent and out of the way. Not in a way of complacency, or giving up in a sense of throwing up my hands, but giving up knowing that things will come out in the time and place when it needs to happen. Am I sad and/or angry about this? YES. But for the love of everything good and holy, I’m ready for people to behave like adults and figure it out. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety

12 reactions 1 comment