Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Hi friends!

After a years of reluctance, I am switching from Xanax to Ativan and increasing my dose.
I am very aware of the risks of using benzodiazepines which is why I have been hesitant. But my panic attacks are coming in waves that last hours and feel completely unbearable. They are taking over dissociation as my primary symptom (previously my primary symptom was my disabling migraines- my cptsd is so severe it overrides my chronic pain).

Even though this isn’t what I want, I also cannot stand being brought to my knees (quite literally) by my panic. So, this is potential for improvement.

(Also- I am going to be starting a new support group soon! My advocate is getting the information to me. She also listened to the things that happened last year when I was attending support group. I’m grateful for her.)

I know a lot of us end up having to take medications that have risks. Can other people relate? Has anyone else switched from Xanax to Ativan? Does anyone with cptsd have such severe panic that it debilitates them?

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ADHD #Disability #MentalHealth #PanicAttack #PanicDisorder

I read in a scientific study that being a parent to a disabled child is as stressful as being a war vet who saw regular combat during their tour. I believe it. In fact, it helps me get thru my day and take it a little easier on myself. But guys, I am burnt out. I’m like the menorah on miracle crack lmao Every couple of hours I’m convinced I have nothing left to give, but then I sit next to my daughter. Eventually we laugh at something, and for a moment everything’s ok. Until I get up from the couch she only leaves once or twice a day (sleeps there, too), and I recall my mountain of tasks, and I look around and see my mom and brother going through their struggles unwilling or unable to help. I swear it feels like a tiny piece of my soul dies every time. I get it, my bro doesn’t like kids, my mom is disabled… that should be enough. But then I get criticized or gaslighted on top of it. The other day my mom was trying to offer verbal support and casually said, “I don’t know how you do it. If I was in your situation, I would’ve killed myself. But then again, I also wouldn’t have gotten pregnant by such a loser.” Pretty sure I froze up so hard I stopped breathing. My daughter is well within ear shot, looking at me apologetically. My mom notices my startled reaction and says, “what? It’s the truth,” shrugs her shoulders, then walks off. She was right about one thing. I have absolutely no clue how I’ve managed to stay sane in this house. The good news (I think) is that my psychiatrist has put moving out as equally important to my mental health as taking my meds regularly is. She said it’s “half of your plan.” But I can barely shower. How am I supposed to move not only myself, but my daughter, as well? God answered and Medicaid deemed me “an overburdened caregiver,” and 32 hours of assistance a week! If only the provider could find an attendant… in the meantime, I’m living moment to moment. Chore to chore. Clinging for my life from one silver lining to the next. Finding comfort in sugar. I’m losing my grip. Suicide isn’t an option. I’m the only human being my daughter has. And as long as we can still laugh, I will persevere. I just wish it didn’t hurt so damn much.
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #MentalHealth #Addiction #OccipitalNeuralgia #GeneralParenting #AutismSpectrumDisorder #neglect #Abuse

I have been dealing with a very unpleasant childhood.
Due to the many traumas, abuses and forms of neglect I developed CPTSD, DID and BPD along with the usual supporting illnesses you get from this.

I recently recovered a memory where I, at the age of 5, had gone catatonic due to a traumatic event and went through an existential crisis that consisted of a lot of existential terror. Due to this I developed an other. A personality that doesn't want to be alive.
Recovering that crisis has been a trial in itself. I didn't just remember it, like what happens when trauma is stored in the body, I relived it. Just imagine being dehumanized by your family of 8. Giving you mind breaking traumas over and over again since you were an infant. Spawning many different others. Leading up to the point were you just can't take existing anymore.
Now when this personality takes over, it does its best to stop me from breathing. That's how it happened when I was just months old. I couldn't take the beating anymore so I stopped breathing and stopped my heart. When I was shook back to life, the first eternal scream started in me head. Another one was from that existential crisis/terror. Which leaves me one more to discover. When I'm quiet and look inside I can hear three distinct eternal screams in me. Always screaming.

I hope the third one isn't like the one when I was five. I couldn't take it if it was. The terror of sitting in your own mind fighting a battle of existence caused by extreme trauma and abuse and losing the fight. I created an other to deal with that horrible pain and I ditched most of myself in order to get up again. That pain never went away. The betrayal. The loss of hope. Being trapped by life and tortured by it. Tortured into insanity.

I spent so many years knowing something was wrong. Having a feeling that if I could just discover who I was. That I could recover myself and be happy. I just keep finding out more and more of just how badly I was broken. Finding more and more damage. Feeling less and less secure in the idea that I can recover from this.

These past few weeks have been horrible. Not that any part of having CPTSD is easy. Just dealing with these awful parts that surfaced almost all of the time. Knowing just how bad it got and how much of me I had to lose to just keep breathing. Breathing as poorly as I do with part of me not wanting me to breath at all.

That and I recovered more memories of my eldest brothers sexually abusing me. Which strangely doesn't feel as bad as it should by comparison.
The good news is you don't feel bad about being sexual abused and beaten at the age of 5 as you should. The bad news is that's because your mind was torn apart. A silver lining in every cloud.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#DissociativeIdentityDisorder
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

The holy weaked stage of grief
Lies heavy the heart
Though memories have brought delight
Death has left its mark
Days are filled with busy thoughts
At night the truth comes to sight
In sorrow I bow my head
In sorrow I cry
I see your face
Everytime I close my eyes
And when I miss you greatly
I'll look to the skies
You may left this world
But you have never left my side
For nothing can take love away
Love keeps you alive

#Grief #Caregiving #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #BipolarDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder

I went to my boyfriend’s house last night to try to feel safe. My sensory swing is here and he helps so much with my panic attacks and flashbacks and dissociation (as much as anyone could).

Now I’m sitting on his couch while he is working. His dog is here and always sits with me, touching me, grounding me. I’m watching Z: The Beginning of Everything on Amazon. I’m checking in on here to try to remember I’m not alone. I’m checking my emails and setting up appointments for next week.

Things are moving and I’m trying to lean into the support I am getting, despite it feeling uncertain and scary.

What’s everyone else up to? How is your day going?

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

I’m feeling low today. I had a hard time leaving the bed, which is completely uncharacteristic of me.
I had another family member delete me from social media. My support feels like it’s constantly dwindling the more I come forward about the stuff I have experienced. The more I set up boundaries and appropriate expectations, the more trauma I endure. I am systematically removing people, but I am also in a very vulnerable place with the amount of battles I am fighting. I need support but I am losing the natural supports I had. Which obviously weren’t as supportive as they let on.
A lot of my de-realization has been impacted by the fact that the people who were “supports” were people who loudly, boldly, professionally declare themselves helpers. And the world believes it. They are people who work with disabled or needy populations. They tout their volunteer efforts as “personal experience” when they haven’t ever had to beg for anything like I have had to. They don’t get that their volunteer experience does not reflect my lived experience. They also keep forgetting that I too have that professional experience and volunteer experience. I am very rational and logical and yet they write me off as defensive
It’s also really hard to get new support when I don’t work and am constantly in crisis so meeting new people is… not in the cards in this moment. I have tried many ways to make new friends and when my symptoms are more manageable, I work in this. I do have support from my boyfriend. It’s just relatively new and I feel really scared because of past relationships/unreliability of people. He has been really understanding and accommodating. He helps a lot with the shame I feel on a constant basis. He always reminds me it’s not my fault- not the trauma, not the way people are treating me, and not my symptoms (especially my embarrassing, child-like panic attacks 😳)

I *know* all of the things about having to accept that people aren’t going to always be respectful and setting up boundaries etc. it just feels like it’s never going to get better. I know it will. I just need to vent about it because i am feeling really alone today.

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Disability #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe

I had a meeting today to discuss “medication” which quickly transitioned to everything else that has been happening with the agency that violated my rights so egregiously.

I finally feel somewhat heard and there still aren’t any answers about immediate housing and safety

My advocate was there and helped me get back on track and stay grounded. I had a really bad panic attack yesterday and she quickly responded to my email even though it was late. That was reassuring.

There was a lot of talk about the “tone” of the meeting, about me being “angry” and how it may be misplaced. I think I did a really good job describing how unbelievably patient I have been with all of this despite not having appropriate support or my basic needs met. I also pointed out how long I waited before even bringing it up and getting angry. I’m not going to have my anger pathologized. Of course I am angry. I am unsafe and haven’t been heard or respected. My advocate also did a good job reminding everyone that my anger is justified.

They tried to dodge a few things and gloss over things but I had answers for it all. They used terms like “won’t” instead of “can’t” and made things sound like choices I was making rather than symptoms I am experiencing. The agency even stated I chose to move out of the county. I was like “I had no other choice. I never wanted to be displaced and every place has become more and more dangerous.”

I definitely saw how strong of an advocate I can be and I had answers each time they tried to blame me.

It was very clear that I wasn’t making any of it up and that they did irreparable harm. I pointed out how many times they misrepresented information and how many people in that agency failed me.

After the meeting, it was affirmed that there are conversations happening behind the scenes (people are talking about the things that are happening- I am getting through on some level). I do believe that because I have heard that more than once. Me using my voice to share my experience isn’t getting as lost as I thought it was. 🤞🏼

The overseeing agency made sure to get dates about when things will be followed up on. I know they will be held accountable now. I have far too many people who were at that meeting and who saw that when I asked direct questions they glossed over it. And that was basically confirmed at the end.

Thank you to everyone who is following this ridiculously long saga

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #MentalHealth #Disability #ADHD