CTE

Post

•

So tired of everything ... no purpose left

I forgot how to spell the city that I was born in. I remember a time that I used to be so smart, usually I’d be the smartest in any room I’d walk into. Not anymore. Even making phone calls are tough because I always lose my focus. Too many concussions, I’m finding that I am getting so emotional. From mad to sad. Angry. I’m convinced I have CTE. The only thing in my “death note” is that I want my brain tested.

So many health problems that I’ve basically given up. How many different doctors and specialists do I have to go to before the frustration of no one being able to help me sets in? I’ve seen them all. Second opinions for most as well.

Exhausted all the time, it’s a struggle to get out of bed. When I “try” to sleep I struggle. Inevitably I crash for an hour or two a couple times a day when I’m not really trying.

I feel so lonely and alone. I cry everyday. I lay in bed waiting to crash and hoping I don’t ever wake up. I haven’t seen my friends (the two who still pretend to be my friend) in over 2 years now. Covid is a lame excuse at this point.

I take 14 different pills a day and I’m still miserable. Back, neck, knee, and nerve pain shooting down my legs. Frequent headaches. Double vision. Confused often. Depression. Anxiety. Broken.

I often laugh that I’d never kill myself because I’d f- - - it up somehow and just be in even worse shape.

I have a dog that’s 16 years old. I get no joy anymore, and take care of her under obligation. I am kinda expecting that my body will fail once and for all when she’s gone. I won’t have any reason to get out of bed once she passes.

#ChronicPain #TraumaticBrainInjury #TBI #CTE #Neuropathy #Nervedamage #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #donefighting #Insomnia

4 comments

Save

Post

Nate B

•

@nbstryker

Broken 4y

See full photo

I don’t remember my life before... Being broken is all I know

I don’t remember my life before...

I’ve changed and lost all my “friends”. I get it, I’m miserable to be around and I wouldn’t want to be my friend either. It’s hard because meeting new people is virtually impossible with the daily battles with anxiety, depression, constant exhaustion, etc. and people that remember the “old” me have no desire of actually seeing me. Sure, there are the occasional texts, mostly in the form of a meme, but to actually spend time with me. It’s been over 2 years.

I’m sick of everything. Staying in bed is my ideal day. I feel safe(r) in bed. I feel like things go wrong when I get up and try to do... anything. Even taking a shower is a struggle.

I take 14 pills a day and remain miserable. Really? Is being miserable the best that I can hope for? This sucks. If I stop taking my prescription meds would I die? Death would be better than this.

My life changed forever on July 20, 1993. I was a passenger in a car that got hit by a drunk driver. The end result was a fused neck and having to relearn how to walk. I was the only one that suffered serious injuries. Why me?? 16 years old and every dream I had for me future was gone. No more team sports. No following in my grandfather’s footsteps and joining the navy. No pilot training. No NASA.

I got really good at retail. However, retail management jobs were never anything but a paycheck for me. How could I ever have the burning passion for this kind of job when I had unmet goals? Retail also wore my body out. Back pain for 27 years now.

Another car accident a few years ago. Concussion. Lost count as to how many concussions I’ve had. Confirmed traumatic brain injury. Convinced that I have CTE. Planning to donate my brain to science when I die. Double vision. Light sensitivity. A lower back fusion. Heart surgery. Nerve pain shooting down my legs. Zero cartilage in my right knee causing pain with each step as bone grinds on bone. The pain meds making my exhaustion even worse.

I’m just done. With all of it.

#Broken #TiredOfMyThoughts #Depression #Anxiety #alone #CTE #Concussion #TraumaticBrainInjury #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #ChronicFatigue #Disability