I don’t remember my life before...
I’ve changed and lost all my “friends”. I get it, I’m miserable to be around and I wouldn’t want to be my friend either. It’s hard because meeting new people is virtually impossible with the daily battles with anxiety, depression, constant exhaustion, etc. and people that remember the “old” me have no desire of actually seeing me. Sure, there are the occasional texts, mostly in the form of a meme, but to actually spend time with me. It’s been over 2 years.
I’m sick of everything. Staying in bed is my ideal day. I feel safe(r) in bed. I feel like things go wrong when I get up and try to do... anything. Even taking a shower is a struggle.
I take 14 pills a day and remain miserable. Really? Is being miserable the best that I can hope for? This sucks. If I stop taking my prescription meds would I die? Death would be better than this.
My life changed forever on July 20, 1993. I was a passenger in a car that got hit by a drunk driver. The end result was a fused neck and having to relearn how to walk. I was the only one that suffered serious injuries. Why me?? 16 years old and every dream I had for me future was gone. No more team sports. No following in my grandfather’s footsteps and joining the navy. No pilot training. No NASA.
I got really good at retail. However, retail management jobs were never anything but a paycheck for me. How could I ever have the burning passion for this kind of job when I had unmet goals? Retail also wore my body out. Back pain for 27 years now.
Another car accident a few years ago. Concussion. Lost count as to how many concussions I’ve had. Confirmed traumatic brain injury. Convinced that I have CTE. Planning to donate my brain to science when I die. Double vision. Light sensitivity. A lower back fusion. Heart surgery. Nerve pain shooting down my legs. Zero cartilage in my right knee causing pain with each step as bone grinds on bone. The pain meds making my exhaustion even worse.
I’m just done. With all of it.
#Broken #TiredOfMyThoughts #Depression #Anxiety #alone #CTE #Concussion #TraumaticBrainInjury #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #ChronicFatigue #Disability