Delusional Disorder

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Delusional Disorder
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So much guilt, shame and remorse

I feel guilt, remorse, and shame for having sadistic delusions about my former bullies and I feel bad for wanting to be a mass shooter or a serial killer to murder or slaugter my former bullies, it was a delusional thing I made excuses about.

I have been to the ER and then psych hospital for only a day and I was diagnosed with mental health issue with no useful info, then I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with other symptoms and I was assessed for Autism and got diagnosed with Autism Spectrum. My diagnosis of PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) changed to Autism Spectrum.

I asked my nurse why I was being released so early as I still was mentally unstable and he explained to me that I behaved too well and that the outpatient treatment program is more appropriate for people like me.

I am sorry if I sounded a bit antisocial. I don't have empathy for people who made fun of me in the past, but I don't want to go to prison, so I learned to control my anger issues.

I feel so embarrassed

I was so angry that I had a delusional belief that murdering my former bullies was the answer. I also had a command hallucination telling me to murder my former bullies and I turned myself into a psychiatric facility.

I don't want the SWAT team coming to my house, I am trying my best to behave.

I have a Delusional Disorder, but I am legally sane and intelligent.

I feel so R-word, stupid, and delusional for what I thought. Due to the Autism Spectrum Disorder, I don't understand what porn is at all. There are some videos and pictures that I downloaded from ages 13-22 that are allowed on YouTube and in reality erotic and not porn. I feel bad and there is no excuse for the delusional belief I had. I hope that everything is okay on your side. I even thought that tango dance was porn...

I still feel very embarrassed about my anger issues in the past and talking about my dark and twisted fantasies about doing something terrible to people who made fun of me in the past. I also feel embarrassed about what I talked about in the past online, because there was police involvement as someone reported me to the police due to my past behavior online. I once had voices in my head telling me to do those things to people who made fun of me in the past and was in a psychiatric hospital to treat the voices in my head, but still, I feel ashamed of myself.

I know that this was two years ago, but every time I remember what I said online and even the voices that I had, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself, I am sorry!

Although I had symptoms of Unspecified Personality Disorder symptoms with paranoid fantasies before Bipolar 1 Disorder, and although I have Autism Spectrum and it's a neurodevelopmental disorder, I would still get the death penalty if I acted on my paranoid fantasies as it's plans of class A felonies, and also because I am not intellectually disabled.

Although your brain is not that developed until age 25-26, it's a good idea to diagnose mental disorders at age 12-15 as soon it develops to improve the symptoms rather than just waiting for it to become worse until it turns into delusions and hallucinations. If Premorbid Personality Disorder is emerging in young adulthood before Schizophrenia Spectrum and Other Psychotic Disorders, it's best to diagnose it at age 18 if it is severe or age 23 if it is mild, so you can no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for mental disorder and get it treated as soon as possible.

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BPD & Delusional Disorder

Both auditory hallucinations and delusional ideation (especially paranoid delusions) are relatively common in individuals with BPD.

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Question about Delusional Disorder, Schizophrenia and NCR

Why do criminals with Delusional Disorder get guilty at first, while with Schizophrenia, it's easier to prove NCR?

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Is this manipulative or am I thinking too much?

I am in hospital after overdosing on my psychiatric medicines. It was because of a few events that upsets me, and I got triggered after I try to seek console from my mother and she reply coldly that she cannot do anything to help me. I think she was upset with me because I bring up a mistake that she made but she insist that she didn’t do anything wrong. Usually she would visit me at the hospital. Today my father and younger sister are all free from work, my mother is a housewife. But they went out together and even dine at a restaurant. They posted photos of themselves in the family WhatsApp group. They did not visit me or even give me a text. Yes we live together and they are all aware I’m in hospital. I have a feeling my mother put them up to it because my father and younger sister always listens to her. Is this manipulation? Or am I overthinking?

I try to ignore it but I still cried. Thoughts of harming myself comes to my mind because I’m upset. They always come to me when they need help. I was also always generous in spending money on them.

Is kinship really such fragile and meaningless?

#Depression #anxiety #socialanxiety#anxietydisorder #socialanxietydisorder #dependentpersonalitydisorder #paranoidpersonalitydisorder #avoidantpersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #psychosis #psychoticdisorder #delusionaldisorder #autismspectrumdisorder #mentalhealth #selfcare #memes

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Is he lier? Scared.

Got really scared and cried because I think my current psychiatrist has been lying to me. We have the consultation via video call weekly, and he has been promising me a memo for weeks. I requested the memo as a written explanation of why the hospital banned me from seeing my previous psychiatrist one year ago. He’s aware that I wrote a complaint to the ministry for the ban. I intend to use the memo as supporting document in case the hospital twist their words again. Maybe I sound schizophrenic or delusional because I talk suspiciously about the hospital and doctors, but many of their actions have really made me unable to trust them again. It’s difficult to list out everything they have said and done because the issue has been throughout a whole one year. So two weeks ago, he read the memo to me in the video call, and said he would get his assistant to email me a copy. I broke down and cry because the reasons given are so ridiculous and I felt scared and bullied by them. I told him I would still proceed to pursue the case with the ministry. Last week, I told him I did not receive the email for the memo and he claim that the service quality department have took over the case and mailed out the memo to my address. Nope, I didn’t receive it at all. I have a feeling he’s just trying to delay things. It’s worrying because I read about an online feedback about this particular psychiatrist before, the patient wrote that this psychiatrist kept changing his words about the treatment plan and refuse to admit it. There are many reasons in my head about why he and the hospital would have such behaviours towards me, but at the same time I don’t understand why they would treat me those ways because I’m just a nobody and there’s nothing to gain? And I thought medical staffs are kind people? I’m even more worried because he diagnosed me ASD, after I told him and laughed about another psychiatrist giving me the ASD diagnosis. He immediately stopped all my other medicines and only left me with 25mg quetiapine for sleep, and I have been having break downs a lot. Yes, he did let me fill up the autism related questionnaires and I got 29 out of 50, and he said it meant ‘strong autistic traits’. But I’m not confident in him or the questionnaires, and he mentioned this diagnosis can explain why I was so persistent about going back to the previous psychiatrist. Are they trying to label me with Autism so that they can use it against me, to explain to the ministry that I’m complaining because I’m autistic and unable to adapt to changes? To make my complaint look irrational and ‘just a symptom of ASD’?

#depression #anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AnxietyDisorder #socialanxietydisorder #dependentpersonalitydisorder #paranoidpersonalitydisorder #avoidantpersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #delusionaldisorder #autismspectrumdisorder #mentalhealth #selfcare #memes

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People Anger. People Angels.

I’ve been feeling very angry at people. Some people say they’re just saying the ‘truth’ but honestly, that’s your perspective of what is the truth, nobody exactly knows everything, you don’t either, and we all know that you just feel free to express your whatever ‘facts’ because you know you can’t be held liable for them when things goes wrong. Some people make others upset, and when the victims express that they’re upset, people turn around and question them about why they create dramas and preach about letting go and moving on, like why don’t you move on from my ‘drama’ then? Sometimes I just wish these people can just stay away from me, go hang out with people like themselves, they can suffer at each other’s hands, that’s the perfect ending for them.

But then there are these people… Those of you, who are simply Angels! No words can express how much I appreciate your existence! Thank you for all you have done, and not done! If you meet such people, you’re really lucky, please treat them well!

#depression #anxiety #socialanxiety#anxietydisorder #socialanxietydisorder #dependentpersonalitydisorder #paranoidpersonalitydisorder #avoidantpersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #psychosis #psychoticdisorder #delusionaldisorder #autismspectrumdisorder #mentalhealth #selfcare #memes

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