Social Anxiety Disorder

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Told my mom about moving in with my dad...it didn't go well | TW parents, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, swearing, one all cap text, suicide ideation

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I've finally told my mom that after considering, I plan to move with my dad, and said that it had nothing against her. She was offended, she even said it, too. Continuously guilt-tripping me with words like "I do everything I can for you, and yet you still chose him over me."

I told her to stop guilt-tripping me and told her numerous times that it had nothing against her. She acted like she wasn't offended and understood my decision, but as someone with autism and whose mother has been mentally abusive for most of my life, I knew she was deep down. She denied that she was guilt-tripping, and has even accused me of guilt-tripping her when I said out loud that I then wanted to kill myself (out of stress, disbelief, and not wanting to deal with the pain anymore). Not to mention that I was just looking for ways to kill myself three days ago because of this stupid society. She even said something like "how can you get mad at me when everyone else in the world does that" when I mentioned that she used to fat-shame me, shame me for not taking showers at times and compared me to others, etc... she even denied that she even MOCKED me because she thought that I was offended, when really I couldn't hear her the first time, and I told her that, too!!

I don't fucking care if she started to talk in a more understanding matter and was no longer offended and acts like she actually cares about me (like she does every fucking time we have start an argument), I'm not forgiving her for saying those things. At this point, she doesn't deserve it. One of my queerplatonic partners (not friends, but not romantic) is now pissed.. well, every one of my partners are now pissed at her at this point, and are very glad that I chose to move in with my dad instead of staying with her. She has never changed when it comes to my dad. I'm honestly very disappointed that she even acted that way. I'm fucking 21 years old, a fucking adult who can make their own fucking decisions, and yet she still hasn't changed. 😞😡

I already don't like my (older) sister very much, either, because I always feel like she gaslights me whenever we get into conflict as well.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #Family #FamilyAndFriends #GuiltTrip #SocialAnxiety #moving #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disappointed #MentalHealth #WOW #Parent #Parents #mentalabuse #Abuse #Siblings #Gaslighting

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Tired of People saying I'm lazy or Unmotivated nobody understands my situation #Ableism #Agoraphobia #Bipolar #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

Trigger Warning Abuse, Gun Violence

These Chronic Negative ideations are getting to me today

Just I'm feeling it very hard today

Just recorded myself Talking couldn't do a video today

Was that anxious

Just Feel like a Burden on Society and Nobody understands

I kinda get tired of people calling me lazy or Unmotivated.

When in reality they never had Agoraphobia

Because at the End of the day

I still have Agoraphobia had it since I was 5

Is getting a little better

But still have the condition

Maybe Its not like in 2010 when I couldn't step outside my house

With Therapy I still can't stand outside my house very long

But with the Anxiety and panic symptoms

I'm able to Pay bills and food and stuff some physical checkups occasionally now.

But can't do it everyday it's occasional

Maybe once or twice a month

Because I try to Occasionally push through since it's one day.

Because I know I can't do it everyday I would kill myself

The feelings are overwhelming

And doing that I feel bad panic symptoms.

Dizziness headaches heart aches

It messes with my separate migraine diagnosis which I had since I was a little boy.

Take meds just for those specific days just to pay bills.

Which I been doing every month if I could.

But I feel so sick.

Just I tried several jobs over the years.

From Warehouses and factories McDonald's which I had panic attacks

Dropping money and patties.

Not being able to handle the open Spaces of a McDonald's restaurant.

Had a panic attack

Goodwill, Carwashes, Landfills, Wet Factories

Lifting 200 to 300 lb barrels of Fruit and veggies and water.

Which water is Heavy than people expect when in barrels.

And water is not dense as well. It's a liquid.

That spilled on the floor.

And lifting that repeatedly with and without help

This very different than weight training

That you do sets for maybe a few minutes to a hour

This is repetitive lifting throughout a shift for 8 hours+

And had 10- 12 hour days Alot it never ended at 8 hours flat.

And you doing it at a fast rate.

Since it's a factory and those bins fills up quickly from the leftover food on the floor.

Since some people shoulders gave out

And mines didn't. Thankfully

Having panic attacks every night felt like Giving up.

Everytime I came home.

Even was thinking about working at a Tire Plant.

Which I didn't do the Tire Plant.

Too crowded. Definitely couldn't handle that environment.

I Did Every Entry Level Physical Job Imaginable.

Public jobs that I can think of.

But nobody understands or sees that.

Only IRS knows that.

Because They Take A portion of the Pay out of my check.

Which I loved Paying Taxes.

Since I was working

But couldn't handle the Jobs.

Agoraphobia and Severe Social Anxiety and anxiety in general and panic attacks daily

Is very real condition.

But Ableism exists.

So they say Ableist Statements

Saying anxiety is not a real disability

And saying tough through it

Or MAN UP.

Which Nobody Understands My Situation.

Just Even Work At Home. I be Feeling like a Burden A lot on Society.

Just I Been Feeling like a Burden since I was a kid.

Felt I was a Burden That Kept My Mom from Going to the Military 🪖

Fresh out of High School.

Which she never said.

Since She Got pregnant with me.

By the time she was going to start Basic Training

And she had the option To Either Have a Abortion or Go Through Basic Training

Or Have Me and Had to Lose her Opportunity To Enlist.

When I got shot at when I was 17 in 2011

I thought maybe I should've gotten shot.

Maybe if I was dead I wouldn't be a burden

On People and this Capitalist System.

Just I Deal With Unemployment.

And if you Judge me by me typing this.

You shouldn't probably be in my life in the first place

But people don't understand

It's Very hard to keep a job

I do want to work a job or something

But Main Thing I have a conditions

I had for years.

This just didn't come up when I was grown

I had this anxiety and stuff since I was 5 I can remember.

Been feeling ideations since I was 15.

Had To go to the hospital for the first time.

Of trying to Cope with the issues.

Didn't know it was a mental health condition.

Until I was trying to do something to myself in 2010.

Been a ongoing problem

Just People don't understand how this can cause me to not keep a stable job or employment.

Which would be considered Gainfully or Substantial Employment.

I have difficulty due to my condition

I did try in public places.

I had a panic attack heart beating everyday.

Feeling dizzy and my pre existing migraine problems becoming more prominent due to this.

Just Even Working at home it's very difficult.

Because they want you to still talk on the phone

And type stuff and stay on the computer..

Which I don't even due in my personal life.

Because it causes bad anxiety being on the internet and the phone.

Since I still have to interact with people.

Just it's Interreacting with people in general

That gets me very bad anxiety.

And Working at Home means you Are Independent.

You still work under someone else.

It's not like I'm the owner of a fortune 500 company deciding how my day will go.

I'm just a Worker for Someone else like majority of people.

So I have to Do What they feel is Profitable to do so.

People act like these companies really care about my well being

When they give accommodations

Which the accomodations still favors the business owner more than the employee

Which I understand.

Those accomodations really didn't do anything to better my condition

and anxiety and stuff I constantly feel daily.

Just Even if I could do a job for one day.

That's not substantial to survive.

And I'm just going to feel sick and dizzy and blurry vision

And aggravates my preexisting migraine condition.

But The Way Society is.

Due to being Very Hyper Competitive and stuff.

Just Someone like me can't compete with someone

That doesn't have my issues.

At job positions.

Just Life.

It Really doesn't accommodate someone with my conditions.

Be trying to see some work at home jobs fit my condition...

But nothing I can do at a consistent substantial rate gainfully rate.

Doesn't make sense to Start a job that I'm going to have a physical anxiety and panic attacks daily

And eventually quit.

Doesn't make sense. Because it's not substantial

Instead of wait until something I can actually handle.

I'm trying just.

I can't survive off that condition.

Just feel like it's my fault for having these issues.

I didn't ask for.

I feel anxious texting people.

And people don't understand.

I try to go on social media and stuff for therapy.

Since I don't leave my house.

And Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety disorder and stuff.

It's a Double edged sword.

Because being alone I don't get panic attacks as often

And feel those horrible feelings I feel mentally.

But Being alone also makes you more Depressed and Lonely and sader

So I try to balance it.

But even going online is very anxious provoking.

I try to do it for therapeutic reasons.

And have flashbacks as well

And non anxiety based such as getting shot at in 2011

And other stuff I'm not going to publicly going to disclose.

Only people I don't feel anxious is My Mother and my immediate brother and sister.

The ones I lived with growing up.

Just them all other family members I struggle just calling them.

Just my life sucks.

I constantly hear I'm lazy or Unmotivated

Or whatever you call it.

Just society doesn't understand.

Why I'm having difficulty keeping a job.

It's seems like it's not profitable.

Like my condition doesn't work under a hyper Capitalistic society.

Just I'm trying but I can't work for the best of me.

I have to work with accommodations that are best for employers

Which I understand.

Since profit is the driver or capitalism.

The Accomodations they give me I still have anxiety.

I can't do 8 or 4 hours consistently.

Maybe for one day but after that

I'm going to feel exhausted and dizzy vi

(edited)
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Happy Birthday! #Depression #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Trauma

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BOSS!
Mr. Bruce Springsteen! Here’s to you!🍻🍻🥳 what is one of your favourite Bruce Springsteen songs?
See you in November! 🤞🏼 hope I can do it🙏🏼

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How to even have more faith in society? | TW mentions of exclusionism, some swearing, some all caps

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I'm LGBTQ+. I'm transmasc non-binary. I'm otherkin (not human). I'm Black. I have autism (please don't call my autism a disorder/disability/syndrome) and anxiety, and someone with trauma. I cry very easily. I am overweight. I am a part of a plural/collective. I am non-romantically polyamorous. And every damn day, I feel like this world called society is just here to for the sole purpose to shit on others, betray others, or just to secretly judge others, including me.

Every day, it is getting much harder and harder to believe that there is a single damn individual out there (other than my current therapist, all of my partners, my dad, and a few friends) who has common sense, is open-hearted, is open-minded, and doesn't like to discriminate or invalidate others for being different or for experiencing different things, or labeling themselves differently. Sometimes, the anxiety gets to the point where it seems like going out is stupid for me. What's the point?

It's like almost every damn community I've been a part of (and left) and witnessed just LOVES to INVALIDATE OTHERS SOMEHOW?! It's so annoying and stupid and it's just like... why can't you just fucking accept someone for who they are??? All of this just makes me so fucking angry and just...!!

...Sigh. Now that that's off my chest... may I ask for advice on how to go about this? I already currently seeing a therapist, luckily. Right now, it is very very hard for me to get off this mindset because I believe it's true, sadly.. this society and all of other individuals' opinions is tearing me apart..

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #helpme #Vent #venting #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #anger #help #Society #Advice #triggerwarning #Neurodiversity #LGBTQIA #plural #otherkin

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I’m fighting… #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #SocialAnxietyDisorder

I know I’ll never have a friend in this town. I can’t go into town. I can go see my mom. But I don’t have friends like I thought I did in high school or even college. I have been in contact with a friend from jr high. It’s so hard to trust her from what we’ve been through. Maybe she feels the same? I don’t know. We have changed over the years. But I think I’ve caught her in a couple lies already. I don’t want to go down that path again.
I cannot get a ✔️ on the positive side. I know what I want to do is draw and introduce myself to digital art, which scares me because I know nothing about computers. Last time I used a computer was in 2015. Everything I do, feels like there’s a trigger right around the corner. I don’t know how to get through this. I honestly have no clue. It’s frustrating. I feel so stuck! I can’t get anywhere. Just wanted to get that out. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to draw? 🥲🥸🙄🥱😶🫥🫡🤷🏻‍♀️

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Work Woes

Today my coworkers (I work with kids) were talking about some of the tougher kids and began to mention me. They were saying how the kids will go to be when they do wrong because they know I won’t do anything, and how the kids only kinda listen to me bc I’m so quiet and soft spoken. It made me sad because I know they weren’t trying to be mean but it hurt nonetheless. Bc they’re right. Despite my efforts I am kind of a pushover. Being loud and assertive is very difficult for me and it just hurts to know that’s how they view me. People don’t seem to realize it’s more than me just being quiet or shy and how hard it really is for me which I understand but still it sucks.
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder

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