escapism

I've always relied on tv shows for escapism and lifed through them, pretty much formed parasocial relationships w/ my favorite characters. I need to know there's a show I can watch to take my mind of things and it has to be a show I actually enjoy/ am invested in. It can't be just anything. As a teenager I had to spend some time in hospitals/in a cast and since then I'm pretty much terrified of boredom so that's for background.

I don't have any friends that rely on escapism even nearly as heavy as I do and I guess I just wanted to share and...maybe someone can relate... Since I also have CP I'm pretty often fatigued and can't just replace reading/watching with something like going on a run or something...

Every time I finish watching a TV show and there's nothing else (or not "enough") lined up, I panic. I spend hours trying to find something else. It's not like I binge 8 episodes a day, I just need to have about a new episode each day, something to fall back on. And it's exhausting, having to "calculate" how long a show is going to "last", having to look for a new one. I don't get what's wrong with me. I work 30h/ a week. I have friends. But on the weekend... my energy is just sapped after a few hours and then I can't focus on reading so I feel like there's nothing else to do.

I'm sorry there are so many thoughts running through my head. I just wish I could be normal. Or have another hobby that's not mentally/physically draining so I can do it if I'm low on spoons.

#escapism #CerebralPalsy #PTSD #MedicalPtsd #Spoonie

We came into the world with wondering eyes
Light and alive and hopefully expectant of the
Comfortable and consistent
Of love then and a great future ahead
Every morning Tasting as Dew
Like the kisses on our cheeks from the ones we most knew
And the nights ablaze with sweet serenades
Drifting to sleep in a room, in a house I belonged to

It’s a conundrum to me really how,
Like a sudden burst of electricity against a dark sky
We find ourselves still awake decades later, but barely alive
No more mounds of furry friends on rocking lullaby chairs
Alone and independent
Codependent
Whatever we learned along the way to keep us safe
To keep life tamed
To keep the circus in the yard and out of our heads
Or so we thought
Despite each time the illusion was exposed at the end of the act
But still we keep on pretending
On balancing lines

I find myself now, alone most days
Functionally broken
But that’s okay
An old doll this day
But once upon a time, brand new
Eventually found myself overused
Dropped too many times
A cracked face and uncomfortable
Silent, I now slump
Lopsided-smile to deter all pity
In my comfortable Corner
here
There is no fear of being harmed by ones we loved most

Most days now
I’m a shadow that can drive a car
Mediate traffic and hold a job
But when I’m not, I’m fading into screen
Life becomes evermore make-believe
Here in this land of play pretend
Everyone is a loyal friend
And no one cheats and no one betrays
And lines of good and evil aren’t grey
Here purpose is clear
Impactful and exciting
Here I am brave
And there’s adventure everywhere everyday

And so I fade another day
Into a place where it’s soft and safe
Where I can choose to pause or play
Where I can orchestrate my life just as I like
A doll forever playing dolls
In a land of greatness and four windowless walls
#DissociationDisorders #escapism #Pretending #Isolation #Hypervigilance #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #MightyPoets #PTSD

I've been in hiding for about a week now, triggered by a difficult client. What prompts you to hide in your shell? #SocialAnxiety