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I Don’t Know What To Feel

I feel a cross between emptiness, sadness, anger, and numbness. I don’t feel real, I have moments where I want out of my skin. I won’t be seeing the psychologist until the end of next month. I wish I had words to really describe how I’m feeling, but I don’t. I’ve been so use to internalizing everything. For the last few days, I’ve been constantly feeling like I don’t deserve to be loved and that I’ll always be alone. I’m feeling everything so much right now and I want to cry and scream. #Depression #MentalHealth #FearOfAbandonment #FearOfLove #NamelessFeeling #NoLove #Emptiness #Sadness #anger #numbness #Crying #Screaminginside

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Philophobia / the fear of love

When you love someone, you feel as if you’re on a rollercoaster that doesn’t stop. When you love someone, your heart fills with joy and skips a beat. When you love someone, your body goes numb around them and all you can focus on is the individual details of their face.
When you love someone and they leave, when will you ever feel okay again? When will you be able to love someone the same?

From past experience love is a beautiful and magical experience that I had the honour of once encountered. I wouldn’t take back the love I gave and received from that relationship but now I sit here, alone wondering where I went wrong and what I did to be so scared of being in a relationship again.

Philophobia isn’t a word I was familiar with until my anxiety wrapped around my heart until It couldn’t beat no more. The thought of trusting and loving someone again terrifies me and I physically feel sick when someone even shows an interest in me. I get a lump in my throat when someone even suggests moving on, I was so used to the love that my ex-partner gave me that my brain doesn’t want to accept any other form of it.

Being so unattached from the thought of love feels like someone is slicing you in half slowly, it feels as though you are trapped in a different dimension. Trying to heal a broken heart fast is like trying to heal a infected wound, it needs time and care or you will never not be scared of love.

“When will you be able to love the same?” Is a question that circles my mind, when will I feel as if I deserve happiness again? I fight my depression on the daily, ignoring the negative thoughts that my brain pumps through my body hoping maybe one day I can understand my worth and understand that I CAN love again. I need to love again.

Reminder: keep yourself content and don’t loose yourself trying to find someone to love the same way you loved someone else. You will one day find someone who you believe deserves your love but until then make yourself happy and love YOURSELF before you love anyone else.
Because at the end of the day all you have is yourself.

#Love #heartbreak #FearOfLove #Anxiety