Itiswhatitis

I know I am not a lazy person. I know I only have so much "bandwidth" to use. I am struggling with a demon (if you will) of the past.

I have neurocardiogenic syncope. It's the direct opposite of POTS. My heart rate drops at the snap of a finger. I used to be able to control it with fluids, electrolytes, and compression socks. That's not working anymore. I was some medication (I don't remember the name of it) to keep my heart rate elevated but it rose too much so I had to stop taking it.

Now my struggle. I have to pick and choose the things I can do. We just finished a three day Fine Arts competition with my school. Today I am sitting on my couch, looking around my living room, trying to decide if I have the energy to clean. I know that answer. I know that if I get up and start working I will pass clean out with in 30 minutes and not really wake up for two or three days. I know this because I have done this. However, in the back of my head I have our pastor from 15 to 18 years ago telling my husband, "She's not sick, she is LAZY. Give her vitamins and MAKE her exercise and she will be fine." So that is what my husband attempted to do.😫😩😫😩😫😫

This is not the mentality of my husband now. When my heart diagnosis (bicuspid aortic valve) came about eight years ago he changed his tune. If he walked in right now and saw me attempting to clean he would FREAK OUT! He would be putting me to be bed or pushing me to sit on the couch.

This is just me fighting my mental insecurities from 15 years ago. How to I win this battle?!?!? How do I remind myself I don't have the energy I had as a 19 year old. I don't have the energy I had as a 29 year old. I still had this disease/syndrome/disorder then. (I don't know what to call it.) Back then my bouts of downtime were less. I know I am not lazy...I know I simply lack the energy to do what I want to do...which right now is to get my house clean. I wish I had the money for a maid....just saying...😥

I have seriously got to get off this feeling sorry for myself kick and find something I can do. However, for now, I will sit on my couch and rest. #notlazy #NeurocardiogenicSyncope #rest #Itiswhatitis #thankfulformyfamily #thankfulformyhusband #thankfulformydaughters

Discouraged and giving up on situations I have been praying over, crying out for and believing for the past few years. They are consequences of my mental illness that I have done all I can to rectify, mend and heal for. I guess it just wasn't in the cards. #timetomoveon #movingforward #notsupposedtobethisway #Heartbroken #Itiswhatitis

I sit here slowly going out of my mind! These walls are closing in on me! I can’t breath! I see no reason to live anymore! I have no one to really love me! I have nothing! Living isn’t fun anymore! It is so hard to smile and it is impossible to be happy! The world is so poisoned!! The stars no longer shine in your eyes! The moon has blackened your spirit! The sun has scorched your soul! The wind blows you in all directions! The love you once had in your heart has now turned into hatred! The memories you once had has faded to almost nothing!! Everything about your life means absolutely nothing to anyone else!! You try to cope day by day, but it is getting harder and harder to do! Why? Because we are in a world of MASS CONFUSION!! #Itiswhatitis #mythoughts #myworry #GodBlessYOU #butterflywings

This is one debilitating disorder that i am trying my best to if not win against at least live with. Every emotion I feel is too much for the situation, for example something bad happens I'm either suicidal or really angry or I'm laughing irregularly. People around me don't say it but I guarantee they see me as a sort of nutcase by the way they treat me. I want to feel normal emotions. I want to not have to rely on weed and alcohol to keep me in a elevated state. It is so exhausting. I have had soo many wtf moments like when my manic episode was over and I felt "okay" I'd just sit there asking myself WTF WAS THAT or it would feel like a dream that never happened! at the moment I'm in a really up state (manic) I genuinely believe I am immortal yet I know it's not possible, no one can be (yet) I belive it still. seen counsellors since 11 (20 now-21 next month) and since age 10 my life has been one big madness. I am going to get another job! i am going to make it (gotta speak this shit into existance) ive been put on 4 diff anti depressants and now im on a antiphyscotic which has already started working :D my main question to the world,myself or who/whatever hears me when I talk. what do you accept the help when the help doesn't help you? # #Pain #BPD #boderlinepersonalitydisorder #Depression #wecanmakeit #strong #Life #Itiswhatitis

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder