boderlinepersonalitydisorder

Ever since I was sexually abused and assaulted I find myself getting triggered at night. I am not afraid of the dark-I am afraid of what happens in the dark. I am trying to come up with a relaxing bedtime routine that involves calming music and meditation. Because the abuse only ended a few years ago, I still find myself crying over it. Depending on how badly I get triggered I have nightmares and can't breathe. If I am mildly triggered then I am severely anxious and want to escape. Problem is, I can't escape my thoughts or emotions. So what do I do?

A change in mood doesn't help either. I can feel my mood shifting from manic to depressed but I still have anxiety. I feel like my changing emotions impact everything else. I want to do a lot of things but struggle to do them. I find myself crying more often and wanting to sleep more-two signs for me of a depressed episode. The emotional intensity of Borderline Personality doesn't help either. Sometimes I feel like I have no control. Please help. I don't want to become so depressed that I go down a dark path -self-harm for example. It's been a few years since that has happened and I want to keep it that way. I am on a lot of medications and am in therapy but sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. I'm hoping someone here can reach out to me. Thanks.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #boderlinepersonalitydisorder #help #Anxiety

I struggle with knowing whether people like that are a help or hindrance to me dealing with my mental health.

This is one debilitating disorder that i am trying my best to if not win against at least live with. Every emotion I feel is too much for the situation, for example something bad happens I'm either suicidal or really angry or I'm laughing irregularly. People around me don't say it but I guarantee they see me as a sort of nutcase by the way they treat me. I want to feel normal emotions. I want to not have to rely on weed and alcohol to keep me in a elevated state. It is so exhausting. I have had soo many wtf moments like when my manic episode was over and I felt "okay" I'd just sit there asking myself WTF WAS THAT or it would feel like a dream that never happened! at the moment I'm in a really up state (manic) I genuinely believe I am immortal yet I know it's not possible, no one can be (yet) I belive it still. seen counsellors since 11 (20 now-21 next month) and since age 10 my life has been one big madness. I am going to get another job! i am going to make it (gotta speak this shit into existance) ive been put on 4 diff anti depressants and now im on a antiphyscotic which has already started working :D my main question to the world,myself or who/whatever hears me when I talk. what do you accept the help when the help doesn't help you? # #Pain #BPD #boderlinepersonalitydisorder #Depression #wecanmakeit #strong #Life #Itiswhatitis

#boderlinepersonalitydisorder

Loving someone like me.

Loving someone like me is self destruction to yourself. Loving someone like me will send you through hell and turmoil.

If you’re unfortunate enough to come in contact with me, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this mop will probably be the worst moments in your life coming in contact right me, being caught in the crossfire of my insanity. You know, I don’t mean to cause all the harm that I do. I don’t mean to lie, but it’s easier than telling the truth, you’ll hate me for the truth. I don’t mean to be manipulative, I just don’t know how to ask for for things, I don’t know how to speak up. I’m sorry that I attach myself to you like a leach, sucking all your energy out until you’ve realized you’ve had enough. I don’t blame you, I’ve been dealing with myself for 24yrs, I know I’m unbearable to handle. And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I saw a savior in you and I clung to you like Im clingy to life. I’m sorry that in my head I could have a normal relationship with you. I’m sorry I put you through this. I’m sorry I’m always in a crisis, I’m sorry I always need help. I’m sorry that o feel like I need you. I don’t want you to leave me, but that is what’s best. I know I’m inteuptitng and hindering your life, I don’t mean to.

. Out of those people I’ve hurt all of them. I’m sorry I did that to you. I’m sorry I interrupted your life.

I want to die, but I don’t know if it’s because I want to save everyone from me or if it’s because I know I’ll never be fixed and I’ll be like this forever.

I don’t want to lie and manipulate, I don’t want to be needy and insecure, I don’t want to need love and connections to function. I want to be independent and self sufficient. I want to be stable and secure with myself. I don’t want to be the crazy girl who threatens to kill her self everyday but never do. @ this point I have to. I’ve been saying I’ll kill myself for years and I’m still alive. That itself speaks to how pathetic I am. People look at me crazy because I’m still alive shyer multiple threats to kill myself. I hope one day I get the courage to. I just want to bring everyone peace. I’m tired of tainting people’s lives with my poison.

I’m sorry everyone and I’m trying so hard to disconnect myself. I’m trying so hard to protect you from me. I’m trying.

Living with #boderlinepersonalitydisorder is not living at all. it’s suffering and it make people around you suffer as well.

#BipolarDisorder #Depression #CheckInWithMe

people say that they understand and that they’re here for you. but the I don’t understand and they only say that they’re here for you to make themselves feel good. people only help so they don’t feel guilty not that they care— that’s why most people end up leaving. they can’t handle an abnormal person. they can’t handle someone who has mental health issues. it looks good to support people in need. but the motive behind it is self serving.

but to be fair, I know I’m too fucked up to be loved or be a normal human. I love so hard and I love fully. sometimes I lie, but that’s because because I’m scared people will hate me for the truth. sometimes I’m unintentionally being manipulative, but that’s bc I don’t know how to speak up and just ask for what I need or want. I don’t try to be a bad person.

I attach myself to people like a leach and suck everything out of them because I’m so needy and I need constant affirmation. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I didn’t need people.

I try so hard to control my attachment issues. I try so hard to control lying and being manipulative. I try so hard to be independent and self sufficient. I try so hard but I can’t be fixed. the wires in my brain are fucked up.

I don’t even know who I am. there are so many different versions of me it’s ridiculous.

I’m taking Lithum , Prozac, and risperidone. I just want to be stable. I just wish my brain was fixed. I want to want to live because I see how great life can be by looking at others but I’m suffering and I’m tired of ruining people’s lives.

don’t come in contact with me I will fuck your life up. don’t tell me you care about me because I will attach myself to you until you can’t take anymore of me. don’t try to help me because all your efforts will be in vain. don’t love me because I will love you so much that you’ll hate me..

I just want to be fixed. I want to be helped. but I realize the reality of #boderlinepersonalitydisorder. I’ve been like this for 24 yrs and I’ll probably be like this forever.

#BPD #BipolarDisorder #Depression #CheckInWithMe. 💔

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder last year, but I don’t believe that’s the right diagnosis at all. I believe that I have Boderline Personality Disorder. I want to adress it to my psychiatrist because I desperately want help, but I’m not sure how. or should I just tell him my symptoms and let him diagnose me without me saying anything? pls help lol. #BipolarDisorder #boderlinepersonalitydisorder #BPD #Psychiatrist #help

I think I’ve entered the self destructive stage of my depression/ BPD wave. all I can think about is how much I hate myself, how much of an awful person I am, how I constantly fuck up others lives and how I’m so fucking needy. ugh I just a hate everything. I’m just ready for this to be over.
#BPD #boderlinepersonalitydisorder #Depression