Things are piling up. My path is hard to see because of all the obstacles. I’m losing my grip. My balance. How do I keep going? Is my road broken? Especially when I’m the reason for the cracks. I see people reaching for me but it feels like I can’t even reach back. Life has knocked me down to my knees. How do I get back up?
I get all these ideas of things I want to do in my head and then when I have time to do it I just feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. I’ve got all the scrap wood that I want to make things out of and have things saved from Pinterest but can’t get my brain to wrap around doing the things I want to do. It’s so frustrating. It’s like I have the self doubt that I can do it so I don’t. I am so hard on myself. I can’t even stay motivated to clean and I love to clean. I don’t feel depressed. I don’t know if It has to do with my bipolar 2 or what. I just want to feel good and energetic. I’ve been like this since I can remember . I hate it! #lackofmotivation #Bipolar2Disorder
This is just a personal rant. I know I’m not the only and I would love to hear how you guys deal with it.
So here is my thing. I get something in my head and I can’t get over it, then I do a lot of research to know more about that thing, the i focus all my time and energy to it ending up burned out, I start slacking and loosing motivation and interest, in the process I start hating it and then I delete that it was ever a part of my life. Flash forward a few months and the cycle begins.
Here is an example:
I want to make money online but I’m quite realistic and I don’t aim to be rich just a little something to go out to McDonald once in a while.
Now I looked up blogging, I really like to write and give my opinion so, I started a blog about movies vs books. I made a few post change the aim and made another blog about writing and opened an Instagram account. I started to get annoyed by the community and realized it wasn’t my type of community. ( no hate to them its just that wasn’t or is for me I guess?)
I got tired deleted everything and forget I ever was obsessed with blogging.
Then I saw one of my friends talking about her journey on how she started making and selling jewelry they are gorgeous and she is doing amazing. Now guess who wanted to get on board? Yup, ME! So I started doing macramé and opened and instagram account (it only has 3 mediocre pictures) I made a keychain and started a project that I haven’t finished. (Great! 😒) at the same time I looked up again blogging and wanted to write about organization, apartment living, tiny spaces blah blah blah. I wanted to take it slow so I’ve done a lot of research before getting started and a wrote down titles for blog post but. I lost all signs of motivation to the point that I hate it.
What in trying to say is that I can’t seem to do something that I love and stick with it, because I always end up hating it. The example above is just with blogging I had other hobbies I have started and left them as well. I can’t seem to keep a job either because I always end up losing interest no matter how much I love it at first.
My lack of ambition today is unparalleled. I have no desire to do ANYTHING. I’m not just overwhelmed, I simply cannot push myself to even get up just to change the sheets on the bed .. I am just completely spent, and yet, I’m not.. I’ve done nothing physically today, or yesterday that can even be considered close to tiring. It feels like laziness- I know it’s laziness. I simply don’t care to push myself, even though I know I will be angry with myself for not doing it, all I can do it sit here and stare at it. I’ve not been this bad in a long time.. I just don’t know what to do to feel better, other than get my lazy ass up and do what needs to be done.. ugh ... #lackofmotivation #mentallyexhausted #overwhelmed
Woke up all ready to finish painting the bathroom, read a book, finalize contracts, and now -an hour later- just want to go back to bed... why? Ugh
So, I’ve spent two full days on the couch or in bed. Ignored all phone calls From loved ones offering food and visits. I’ve finally gotten up to shower but that’s it. Now I’m feeling guilty. Should I go over to my families and tell them everything is okay or tell the truth. It’s my time off but sleeping my days away is not good. What would you do?