Vent////
So I sometimes take online "Do you have -" quizzes just for fun. I never take them seriously (I am not a self-diagnoser) and I recently took a "Do you have abandonment issues quiz" because I was bored. I got "You Most Likely Have Trust Issues."
I sat there for a couple seconds before I announced to myself, 'I have both.'
Which also led me to think 'Its not noticeable.'
If you were to ask one of my parents if I had trust issues or abandonment issues, they might say no. They blame my lack of communication with strangers on my Social Anxiety.
I've talked about this before I think, but I don't like to talk to people because I fear being abandoned. I currently only have 1 friend and a partner who I talk to as I'm to nervous to branch out. Because 1, I am afraid that I will be ghosted again like every other friend in the past 2, I don't trust many people and 3, i am just nervous about starting conversations.
But here's the truth. I mask most of my feelings around my parents. I only recently told them about my Paranoid thoughts. Are they taking it seriously? Oh of course not.
When my mom encourages me to make new friends I just tell her "I'm just to nervous." not about why or about that fact I don't want to deal with more pain that comes with being abandoned. I really can't. And I don't tell anyone because I don't want to seem like some selfish, self-centered trans kid who wants attention from everyone because I can't get my gender right.
I'm lost. I've been feeling less and less emotions lately. When I laugh, I don't understand why. It just seems like a thing I just do without thinking to cover up my pain. And then i find myself going on and on about my life like this and I start to feel bad. Like I'm just taking up space on the platform.
#abandonmentissues #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia #trustissues #Depression #LGBTQ