self-acceptance

About this time 4 years ago, I was in my 3rd residential treatment center in 4 years. I was tired of fighting, fighting both my mind and my body. I didn't want to hurt anymore, and I wasn't going to come home still sick. It was in this setting that I got this weird feeling whenever a particular staff member was around, and I didn't know what was going on, but I wanted to be close to her. I knew that wasn't okay, and I never did anything improper, but it started me on a path of rediscovering who I truly was. On this unexpected side journey, I had to work backwards to figure things out. I was straight(so I thought), coming up on my 30th anniversary, but digging into it, I realized how miserable I had been for most of it. I slept in a separate room, and I considered my husband more of a roommate than a spouse. I have to keep pulling out the weeds and poisonous vines of religious, social, and familial indoctrination, realizing that I got married because it's what good christian girls do. Under the weight of those restrictive binds, I realize that trauma also played a part, teaching me from a very young age that sex=love, and I wanted to be loved so badly. Finally, after intensely working to unbury the door that had kept me trapped for 34 years, I was able to walk free from that prison, reclaiming my authentic self as a lesbian. I faced some harsh push back, especially from my son, who wouldn't let me see my granddaughters for a while. I stayed true to myself though, because I was DONE being who others defined me as, I had to live as myself to love myself. During the process of working through my transformation, I frequently expressed my metamorphosis through poems. I'd like to share one of that's okay, and hope that it touches someone who is walking where I've already been.
I've been a caterpillar, gorged on trauma, religion, and society's lies,
Now I'm wrapped in a chrysalis of self discovery, becoming new.
I'm working on cutting free the thick bonds of my youth,
It's time for me to find what kind of butterfly I'll be.
This work is hard, feelings and beliefs long held,
But I want to become the kind of beauty that I choose.
How I have been fed and shaped no longer guiding my growth,
Turning and writhing, new thoughts allowed in this tightening space.
Soon I'll be bursting free from who I used to believe I was,
And I'll be soaring free from this prison, beautiful colors on fluttering wings.
Living my life through eyes that can clearly see for the first time,
I'll be thriving in my best life, a beautiful creature to behold and cherish.

What challenges have you faced in expressing your true gender identity?#GenderIdentity #LGBTQ #TransRights #genderexpression #GenderDysphoria #MentalHealth #Comingout #transvisibility #LGBTQ #Selfacceptance

I was reading here on the mighty about acceptance and it got me thinking....overthinking in fact, so much so that I wrote a poem about it. It’s not great but I hope it gives comfort to some of you who feel like you can’t be accepted for who you are.

Accept yourself

Acceptance and love people claim comes from above..

Yet when it comes to it is “acceptance” in most instances real?

Is it some fictions phrase or is it something YOU feel?

Is it something you really need from anyone else?

Or is it something we can give to ourself?

Can you come and put this on for size??

With most people they say they “accept” you but that’s only lies..

What then is true acceptance?

Is it love? Unconditionally provided to you?

Or...is it something else worth working to?
Give YOURSELF!

Because you can and will..Find others’ acceptance still..

The true kind..the kind you’d always wished you’d find..

For now just work on yourself..

That is true acceptance

So put the nasty opinions of others back on the shelf..where they belong!

You only need acceptance from yourself because YOU are strong! - a short poem by camron botha

#Poetry #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Selfacceptance #ADHD #overthinking #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MightyPoets #Selflove #Youarestrong #LoveYouMore #loveyourself #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ChronicFatigue #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #Abuse #youareworthy

Growing up undiagnosed, I was always the odd one out. Whether it was my weird quirks, my executive functioning challenges, my daydreaming or simply the fact how I perceived and did everything differently - achieving the same result but choosing the route most people wouldn’t consider and no, my routes usually weren’t shortcuts.

My brain needs logic. My brain needs answers. My brain can’t move on if I don’t have logic or answers. Ironically, at the same time – my brain is hyperactive. It can’t stop working. It jumps from one thing to another, not being able to stop. That is the beauty and sometimes a curse of having ADHD and Autism together. At times, it’s like having two forces working against each other.

On many occasions I remember thinking to myself or sharing with my mother that I wasn’t made for this world. Not that the world was cruel to me. I have been blessed in more ways than I can count but I felt the odd one out. Always. In every situation.

Such a beautiful blue sky. Is it looking blue to everyone? Or is my perception of blue different than others? - My communication differences in terms of interpretations were so stark that I began second guessing everything I was seeing.

Then there was eye contact.

Eye contact was and I guess still is the standard for respectful communication. On the surface, I never had trouble making eye contact. Inside my mind though, I had trouble tracking the conversations because I was forcefully focused on maintaining the eye contact and then the stress of making sure that my non-verbal communication was appropriate. Am I smiling enough? Oh no – my lips are quivering? And then my eye would start blinking rapidly.

I thought I was weird. I started acting like an extrovert to hide my quirks and my challenges with executive functioning. In many cultures, executive functioning challenges of a person who has no visible disability are deemed as laziness or are assigned other such labels.

Now that I know about my neurodivergence – I have extended some grace to myself. I no longer call myself lazy or assign labels to myself that the world once assigned to me.

I understand why I struggle to maintain consistency.

I understand why I forget things.

I understand that sometimes I eat for stimulation – just to keep my brain excited.

I understand why I am unable to do routine tasks that come naturally to most people.

I extend myself grace when my house is messy, or when the sink is full of dirty dishes.

I understand and accept that it’s okay to need help and it’s okay to need support and accommodations.

I know now that my brain works differently and instead of forcing it to be more like other people’s brain, I now want it to be the best version of itself.

Not better or worse than others because it’s not a comparison.

Just the best it can be.

I don’t know whether this post makes sense or not – there are many things I haven’t shared and want to but articulating my personal experiences into words for others to understand is probably one of the hardest things I have done.

Until next time.

#Neurodiversity #Autism #ADHD #actuallyautistic #neurodivergence #mylife #KindTheory #Acceptance #Selfacceptance #myinternalchaos

Picture ID: Photo of a multi-colored beautiful brain representing neurological variants and brain diversity.

No I won’t forgive my abusers. I’ve fought with this for years. They don’t deserve any more empathy or compassion from me. I’ve battled this argument in my head, and with all the misguided souls who think I need to forgive, for all of us. I’ve cut most of my family out of my life for this exact thought process. It is never the victims responsibility to forgive. I’m learning the forgiveness I need is to forgive myself for not knowing any better. For being convinced for decades sacrificing myself for them was the right thing to do. #Selfacceptance #AnorexiaNervosa #MentalHealth

I am a mother and an auntie. I wrote this for the kiddos in my life who I love so dearly. I hope that anyone who should need an extra reminder, young or awesomely young at heart that this may help.

#Poetry #growth #Support #iseeyou #Selfacceptance #distraction #Selflove #Selfrespect

Be humble

There's something to be learned from every single person you meet. We are not above anyone, any lesson or station in this life.

If you forget, life will happily show you where to sit.

Respect

Respect is a given. Because that's who you are. Trust is earned based on who they are.

Most importantly, respect yourself. If you don't, no one else will.

You deserve better from yourself.

Hard work

The things you love, have, and that are worth keeping come with hard work.

If it's easy, baby, it's probably temporary.

Kindness

If you can and want to be anything in this world, my loves, be kind.

Anyone can be thoughtless and cruel.

It takes a brave badass soul to be kind.

Be kind to yourself too.

Life is hard enough without you kicking your ass.

Be Brave

You will make mistakes, yet don't live in regret. You will be the hero and the villain in your and someone else's story.

That's everyone's common ground.

Be brave and forgive yourself.

Self-loathing is beneath you, my dear.

Be brave and be vulnerable.

You will grow more than you can imagine and love harder than you thought was possible.

Yes, there will be pain. There will be heartache.

Bravery doesn't mitigate pain.

Bravery will see you through to the other side of the coin, which is love, gratitude, and joy.

Be yourself

There's only one of you. Don't waste time pretending.

It feels bad. Let yourself be.

Those who love and care for you will be there to celebrate your truth alongside you.

Love

This might be the hardest thing I ever ask of you, yet I am asking anyway.

Love your beautiful, brilliant selves.

You must love yourself and set the tone of how others are to treat you.

Be courageous in loving yourself so well; everyone who knows you will see your light and follow in your footsteps.

You are setting examples for those around you every time you do.

Please, remember, dear one, people will show you who they are.

When they do, believe them.

This is part of loving yourself and remembering just who the fuck you are. Cause baby, you are star shine and magic.

Water your garden. Live your life so well and authentically that you plant seeds wherever you go. When things get tough, and all you see is weeds, look behind you to spot the flowers you have sowed.

Remember, I believe in you. I see you, and I am so damn proud of you.

Love you a megaton.