Loneliness

This may be the loneliest I’ve ever felt,
I try to be genuine, wear my heart on my sleeve,

I’m tired of being the quiet one, I’m tired of being awkward, I’m tired of feeling like the odd one out,

I tell myself I’m strong, that I’m independent,
But is that true if I cry at the end of a good night?

I’m exhausted. I’m sad. I’m hurt.

I’ve been talking to a guy from work since October. Known him for about a year and a half. He started really flirting in February. Then a little over a month ago he tells me he wants to take me to dinner. The day of, he tells me he’s helping a friend replace the friend’s parents fence. Ok, no big deal. He ends up saying he has to reschedule because it was taking longer than he thought it would. A week later we make plans, I was going to have him over and I’d cook. Day of, he tells he’s been fighting a migraine all day and ends up rescheduling. So now I’m getting little red flags and start doing some digging. I’m a former police dispatcher, I know how to dig up information on someone online haha. I find out he’s married. I’m devastated. He’s been lying to me for months. I feel disgusting.
So I text him something along the lines of “things really start to make sense when you stop ignoring the red flags”. He responds like yeah there’s a lot about his personal life that I don’t know about. I say “you’re married”. He claims they’ve been separated for awhile and that the divorce should be finalized in a couple of weeks. I tell him that he should have told me this from the start, that this is a huge dealbreaker for me. He agrees, he apologizes, says it was just nice to feel normal again. Tells me that he’d be willing to meet me for lunch and he’d explain everything. So I try to make plans for the following week. Well he changes assignments in the meantime, and is now swamped in his new position. He says he can’t get together because he’s so far behind on chores and other things that he needs to get done. Fast forward another week, he says he can’t meet Saturday, but maybe Sunday, as in yesterday. I haven’t heard from him since Saturday night.
All I wanted was answers. To spend a little time with him. I didn’t think that was too much to ask for, but apparently it was. We’d had such good conversations a month ago, and now it’s just like he’s completely pulled back and I just want to understand what changed. Did he lie? Are they not separate? Are they not divorcing? I don’t know because he won’t give me an hour or two of his time to explain like he said he would. I’m just tired of guys letting me down. I’m tired of being lonely. Of being treated like this. It hurts.

Realizing the ones closest me wants me to suffer so badly. It aches their souls to see me to continue to shine through the pain. It’s a choice everyday to wake up and live not for myself. For my children. They was chosen to be here. I willed them into existence from the most high. Many may not understand that. Because they have never experienced the pure joy of knowing a higher power, when no one else was there, that was my strength. I continue to pray for strength. The past year has been the hardest. Battling with my mental health and being a new mother to a second child. I carry one on because I live for my children. If not for them I would make my peace with this world. I keep going for them. I can’t leave them cause I know ain’t NO ONE going to stand firmly on raising them to be strong in this world. This more me. This my pain. I keep strong. I make that years ago. It’s a reminder that I’m strong. Stronger than those who want to steal my light. Stronger than those who want to only take and never motivate. It’s a new me coming. I’m in my cocoon phase. Once I blossom I’ll be totally unrecognizable. #MentalHealth #Loneliness

It is clicking and I hope it stays.

Since my second brain injury it has been different how I can use my brain. I have now short term memory loss, more easily distracted by little stimuli, movement around, lights and sound or change in lights and sound… but most of all when trying to talk/communicate with anyone, words make me think other thoughts and forget what is going on.

My brain used to be over intensely exhausting from electrical output. My brain made too many connections at once, I saw everything from every single angle or point possible. I ran into problems of people not knowing what I talked about in conversation, because my first thoughts were 10 thoughts ahead of who I was talking to. I had to explain until they would say “ooooooohhhhhh” and they would have an “aha!” moment. I had more control in being able to keep my thought while helping someone get to theirs.

This was easier because I could keep dozens and dozens of trains of thought straight in my head. I didn’t forget. I always have a lot to say.

After injury, I get a lot of thoughts but they go away before I can try to remember or write down. If I try to speak out of my mouth, I get distracted by anything and it is gone.

Even with words hiding, I still feel all of the thoughts. I still have so much to say but not ways to say it and have deep conversations on it. It is lonely and exhausting. It is weird because I physically feel my thoughts, it is like the urge to make a quick witty joke at the right moment, but when you go to open your mouth to say it, no words come out. Everything inside was ready to speak, but my brain disconnects and I am left with a “just about to” feeling. Like something is forever right on the tip of your tongue, but can’t come out.

Now, I see more in my head than I have the words for. I say to people “my word bank is gone”, I still have some and have knowledge, but when I go to retrieve knowledge I have, my brain gets lost and I can’t find any of the words, but I can feel it.

What happens now is not words that come to me quickly or in response. Instead of words in my head I see pictures, video clip replays, some memories, colors, gestures, movements, charts, graphs, diagrams and more. The problem is, I do not have words for these things I see in my head, I cannot translate what I see into words.

What I see though is in direct response to what someone is trying to talk to me about. So I have times I know what is being talked about, have responses, but cannot translate to words.

I get frustrated a lot. I used to talk a lot and be able to help many people a day.

With my brain injury, when I have a change in any emotion at all, function goes down. When I get frustrated with all that I have to say but do not have access to the words, it then instantly drastically harder to try to speak. My speaking gets choppy and I think I sound like a baby, which frustrates me.

I ask “what should I do?” “What do I do when this happens?” My therapist tells me to write again.

Writing got fun for me just before my injury. I had mild brain damage from meningitis as a 6 month old. At 19 my psychiatrist ordered a QEEG to see if there was a physical reason my mental illnesses are so treatment resistant. We instantly found the brain damage from meningitis as a baby. Before knowing about the damage, I was blamed for not trying hard enough, not having enough self control, being too overdramatic, wanting attention, etc…but it was brain damage.

In 2021 I was 27. I had a breakdown and had a plan to take my life. I was sent inpatient and was assigned a doctor who coerced me and forced me to have electroconvulsive therapy. I had said no, and was told this was my option for treatment, or I could get released to go through with my plan.

After first ECT, I learned the excruciating pain it causes. It feels like what I imagine getting hit by a bus feels. Whole body feels like it was crushed and jelly. The jaw feels like a baseball bat full force at the hinges of the jaw.

Aside from pain, I was thinking responses in my head to nurses questions, in Spanish. I took Spanish throughout high school and into college.

The nurses thought I was speaking gibberish because they did not know Spanish, and put me to bed. I was forced to spend a month in the hospital getting these treatments.

It got better. Then instantly worse than before.

It got better because I had memory wiped and did not know traumas that happened to me anymore. Did not have societies thoughts in me anymore.

Was discharged from the hospital and medically abandoned, no follow up care, no answers to call backs requesting referral or asking where to go for help.

I started to notice after 8 weeks, what was lost was not coming back. More issues communicating and with memory, have never been able to contact Doctor who did this to me. Was told by many random doctors after, that what I described “can’t happen”, but it did happen.

I used to be able to bring these writings more full circle, for now I will just be proud of what I was able to write today.

Yesterday was hard for me. The holidays always are because of it’s such a glaring reminder of my loneliness and isolation. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are even harder because I don’t have either. They’re not dead. They just don’t care about me and have told me they don’t want me to be part of their family. Not having anyone makes me feel like I’m not even a real person. I’m not living a real life. I’m just existing here. I try to
just not think about it. But actively trying to keep myself from thinking about any of it just causes me to dissociate to protect myself. And then I’m exhausted at the end of every single day… but everything hits me at once at night and then I’m exhausted but also can’t sleep. I’m so tired.

I was so hopeful when I first joined and poof that hopefulness has disappeared. It just the same old feeling of loneliness but in a much bigger group.
What do you do when you’re unable to make a connection because of feeling too old, too uninteresting and too self-centred. Joining has not helped, it has increased feeling of unworthiness and that feeling of being invisible
I don’t know what I expected when I came here but it wasn’t this. I don’t know what to do and I certainly don’t want pity, I have more than enough of my own.
It’s all too sad. I’m letting you know and I don’t really now why. There is no real connection so I can just go silently.