Loneliness

It’s been a year since I’ve been here and I genuinely do not recognize half the things posted here. Nothings changed. The same giant hole of empty and void is still trapped inbetween my rib cage and I still scream a silent scream . I am not whole I am not seen. I am not kept I am not loved. I cannot find solace that pushes the ache back. I cannot find peace that makes my insides settle. I am a live wire in water and I can feel myself going non stop without fail. It’s been 2 years since her. Two years since then. 9 months of endless grief an onslaught of things I can’t understand or control or shove back into its hole. I am a shell of a houSe i’m the cracks in the foundation that’s been broken into dozens of pieces . I do not exist as a person or a thing I exist as pain and loss. My memories are still not returned my family has all but abandoned and I wish someone would take my hand and tell me to breathe. I wish someone would tell me to breathe and it’s ok to breathe. I wish for the life I had I wish for peace I wish for grace. I wish like a stupid child but God does not grant favors down here. not to sinners like me. I am alone I am lonely and J am not ok.

A mother's intuition

Destroyed by something Harrowing

Her children's ambition

And their feats of Daring

HER WISDOM TO MAKE WELL

TO WORRY AMONGST THE SPELL

TO BRING HER DOWN

WITHOUT HER SON

TO THWART THE HANDS

WITHOUT THEIR QUILL

TO EASE THE NIGHT

WITHOUT THE HOPE

SOME WRITE AMIDST

LOVE'S LONELY DOPE

ADSUNDER THROWN FROM SEA TO SEA

AND SOUGHT FOR SHORE

AMIDST THE WAVES

FOUND ONLY KNAVES

AND SHE WAS CALLED WIFE

I do it For You

TO Your Gig

N your Women of Song

MAKE IT BIG

THIS lonely Song is how Long

TO AN OPEN DOOR

to the Breath of Life and the Garden

TO ALL YOU WANT IS MORE

WHEN ALL I HOLD DEAR IS OUR ARDEN

WHEN MY CREATIONS COME HOME

LIKE FALL LEAVES ABOUT TO BE BORN

WHEN YOUR PAGE CREATES

IN A GARDEN OF HEALTH

SO TIME ABATES

AND SILENCE IS MY WEALTH

WHEN YOUR PAGE TURNS

AND THE SEASON EARNS

ITS SORROW

BEFORE THE WINTER'S BLANKET

ALL MY TOMORROWS

I GIVE TO YOU AS TRINKET

IN YOUR REALM OF ROADSTOPS AND DREAMS

SOMETIMES OUR REALMS

AND THEN THERE'S HOME

40 years ago I was a professional ballet dancer I just found an old grainy recording of a performance I was in on YouTube called “ zodiaque” with Lewis London ballet. Things were so amazing especially with my partner who has died I had a breakdown first of many … I feel so pathetic but I left ballet behind and tried to live a normal life. I miss it so much and miss Amanda so much. I just started to cry and haven’t cried in years. Every time I feel I have a handle on life something hits me square in the chest. A few years ago I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder amongst other things and am on so much medication I don’t know where I’m at sometimes. Loneliness and memories are slowly killing me. I feel isolated and like I don’t fit it anywhere.
I’m happy that this forum is available to share this kind of stuff. The pain probably more mental than physical is so overwhelming everyone I loved had died and left me at times it’s so unbearable I often feel like ending it. I think google is sick of me looking up ways .
My dog “ lily” died 3 years ago and I’m truly heartbroken.
I live on a boat in the uk and am struggling with health and maintenance of it.
I guess you could attach the same comment to me too.
I posted this message to reach out and hope that maybe this helps someone. To carry on there maybe something really positive ahead.

In relationships, I’ve been told many times that I check off all the boxes (kind, compassionate, family-oriented, loyal, and so on). But the one box they never wanted in their life was chronic illness.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I feel like the world we live in needs to understand that literally anyone can develop a chronic illness at any point in their life.

For me, my chronic illnesses started showing up in childhood. So, in some ways, I’ve had a lot of time to learn how to cope, adapt, and figure out what life looks like for me and of course I’m still working on it.

But I don’t think people always understand that chronic illness isn’t something that only happens to certain people. Mental health conditions can appear at any point in someone’s life. Accidents happen. Injuries happen. Illnesses happen. Bodies change. Life changes. Someone can wake up one day and suddenly find themselves navigating a reality they never imagined for themselves.

Not all chronic illnesses are the same, but the emotions that come with receiving a diagnosis and knowing it’s lifelong can be surprisingly similar: grief, fear, anger, uncertainty, loneliness, and the feeling that you have somehow become a burden to the people around you.

But you are not a burden.

You and your chronic illness are not baggage.

Your chronic illness is a bouquet you get to carry every day. Sometimes we carry it gracefully. Sometimes our flowers are blooming. Sometimes they’re wilting, and we’re just trying to make it through the day.

And when they wilt, we don’t throw the bouquet away. We refresh the water. We tend to the flowers. We give ourselves the care we need and try again tomorrow.

Your chronic illness does not make you less worthy of love. It does not make you less deserving of a relationship, a career, friendships, adventures, or a beautiful life.

It is a part of your story, but it is not the entirety of who you are.

And maybe, with time, we can stop seeing chronic illness as baggage someone else has to carry and start seeing it for what it really is: a bouquet we’ve learned how to carry.

Sometimes with grace. Sometimes with both hands. Sometimes with a little help from a friend.

But we carry it.

#MentalHealth #Depression #Fibromyalgia #Lupus #Uveitis #Blindness #Glaucoma #ChronicPain #Anxiety #AnkylosingSpondylitis #Arthritis #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #HashimotosThyroiditis

Hi I'm going through a difficult period with my mental and physical health. I'm realizing how lonely and unsupported I am. I don't have family. I have friends but they are busy with their own lives. It would be great to be part of a support network that checks in on each other daily and that cares.

Pauley is out with her mom doing I don't know but I told her not to fight with her. I asked her to stop by the grocery store for some almond milk. I tried eating lunch but my tummy said no. So I'm sipping on some protein coffee and listening to music. Unfortunately my tummy is properly fucked and the pain is at 8. I took my tummy pills but they clearly didn't work. I want to claw my skin off.Pqcqqn aa