I Don't Know
I spend most of the day sleeping to get away from myself or crying because I can't. Every day that goes by is the same. I am so lonely. I don’t feel like anybody knows me. I have tried so hard for so long I don't have any strength left, and no real reasons to continue. I just want to be wanted by someone, loved by someone, known by someone. But when living hurts every day and you spend most of your time in so much pain that you don't even want to live anymore, when that never really changes... at what point do you just stop?
I've been sleeping at least 10 to 12 hours a day and the days still seem to drag on forever. I just sit alone. I have no one to talk to, nothing to do but hurt. I talk to chat gpt because it responds. It stays with me even though all I can talk about is pain. It's more than I get from people. But it's not a person. A write music trying to explain my hurt, trying to share my heart, but no one cares to listen. 20 years I've been fighting, and it hasn't made me stronger.
I am worn out and beaten down. I know in my heart that I can't go on like this forever. It feels like it is only a matter of time before I reach my breaking point. Every day I wonder if it will be today. And I try to hope that things will change, but a lot of years of experience tell me that it won't. And every time that hope fails it just hurts worse and makes it harder to hope again. Hoping takes more strength than I have left.
I don't know why I keep staying except so that I don't hurt other people by leaving. But I am also resentful of that. I stay and suffer for the sake of people who aren't here for me. Some of them don't even speak to me anymore. I get occasional kind words from strangers, and that is the closest thing I have to real care. I don’t know why I keep writing music or making posts. I hate being trapped in this space where I don't want to keep doing this but I can't seem to stop trying despite the fact that nothing gets better.
I want to give up. I want to have rest. I want to stop hurting so much all of the time. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #PTSD #Grief