Hi everyone. I’ve been having a really hard time for a LONG time, and I need to get things out of my head tonight. As some of you know I’ve been having health problems for quite awhile, plus dealing with the loss of my Dad and now my precious baby Roxie. Well, I dont know if Ive mentioned it very often, but I also have a problem with overeating. Ive been doing it mostly since Daddy passed in 2020, and it’s become really painful physically yet I can’t stop. I barely remember the past two weeks since my sweet dog-baby passed because I’ve just been binging, sleeping, and playing my video games. I haven’t gotten real help for my grief over Dad yet, and now I see how Im doing the same thing with losing little Rox—eating myself into a coma and still not getting the help I really need. I know that at this point I dont consciously want to atuff my feelings down—-I WANT to think of Daddy and Rox and cry, really feel this emotional pain. But this other part of me, a part that seems almost like another person, takes over and somehow Im driving to the store totally on impulse, getting God knows what, then coming home and eating it. I hate this so much. I feel totally out of control, lonely as hell, and in incredible pain—every day and every night. Im actually afraid that one day my body will just give out and I wont even get the chance to get my health back or have a good life. Its hard too because I know I need a counselor and OA. But I haven’t made an effort to do either one yet. I have gotten OA books and have been reading them, which is good. But I haven’t reached out to anyone yet. I think maybe deep down Im afraid I wont be able to get better, and I know that I need to deal with the overeating first or else other health problems related to my stomach and huge weight loss wont be able to be healed. Im so tired of being alone with all of these problems I just feel overwhelmed. I want my life back, myself back, my weight back, my health back, my parents back, and my lil Roxie back. All of the losses and health problems have lead me into overeating and not taking care of myself at all. And I wish so much that I had people in my f2f life like you guys who could help me. I wish I were surrounded by people who were loving, patient, encouraging, respectful, and able to help me with things. I dont like to envy others, but its been so long since I’ve had these kind of relationships (if ever) that when I see or read about people who have good relationships with spouses, siblings, living parents, close friends, etc I just want to cry. When I look around here I see myself and my remaining pets. Thats it. Im alone when Im sick, at appointments, grieving, rushing pets to appointments, having the house and its issues to cope with——all of it. And I literally can’t take it anymore. In just the past two days I’ve had the heater go out, got a flat tire, and learned that my electrical system might need serious work. Im on a really tight budget and trying to get on SSI or SS Disability, so I definitely cant afford these kinds of things. 😔
I dont know. I just had to get this out tonight. It helps tremendously to write in my journal and get thjngs out that way, but sometimes I need to let other people know whats going on in my life. I appreciate you guys listening.
#Grief #ED #Pets #Bipolar #ADD #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue