I am so incredibly lonely. I am at a gathering with my siblings for the weekend. There are 5 out of the 9 of us here (2 deceased 2 chose not to come). So 10 of us total with SO's. Age range 56- 67. (I am 60). We are in beautiful West Virginia at a cabin/campground. Everyone has taken off for the day to do physical activities. Zip lining, hiking, fishing in kayaks, white water rafting etc. I am alone at the cabin.
I have fibromyalgia, which causes extreme fatigue and pain, limited movement due to neck and spine which results in limited mobility, and yes I am overweight! On top of all my regular daily pain and fatigue I experience, I also broke out with shingles on Thursday. The pain from that is unbelievable.
The reason why I am lonely is I feel like I never have fit in to my family. I have always been the "fat sister", and judged for that. I mean, literally I still get asked, " do you really need that" when or if I take a second helping. While nothing is said when someone else takes a second helping.
I do not look anything like my siblings. Not just facially, my body size , my lack of height, physical structure, even my hair and eyes are different then the rest of the family. I always have felt like an outsider that no one talks to.
When we were younger, it was all"you don't know what your talking about", just because my opinions were different. It still is like this, where I feel dismissed by everyone.
Last night while sitting by the fire everyone is talking, laughing etc. and I just sat and observed. I never feel like I can really share anything. People ask how u am doing, and I just respond, ok, because if I am honest and really tell them what is happening, I start getting the lose weight, exercise more, if you really wanted to you could do it. You are just not trying hard enough. All my life this is what it has been.
Do they think I like how this feels? To get left out of activity, conversation, gatherings? Do they ever take me into consideration when they are planning things? Literally the booked the Whitewater rafting for all 10 of us, and were surprised when I couldn't go. My DOCTOR told me I shouldn't go as I am risking further damage ony neck.
Like I said, I am lonely, not just alone.
Thanks for reading this. I needed to put it out into the universe. Maybe I will heal.