Loneliness

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Loneliness
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    Circling the drain

    I am so emotionally and mentally drained. If my brain came with an off switch, I’d flip it. I’m tired of being lonely and not knowing what I want in life. I want to be happy, but I don’t know how. It scares me when I get like this. My brain starts thinking the bad thoughts, and I know not to listen. I’m just tired of existing instead of living. I just had to ramble and get my thoughts out since I have no one to share them with. #Depression #tired #Existing

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    Hitting Bottom With Everything

    Hi everyone. I’ve been having a really hard time for a LONG time, and I need to get things out of my head tonight. As some of you know I’ve been having health problems for quite awhile, plus dealing with the loss of my Dad and now my precious baby Roxie. Well, I dont know if Ive mentioned it very often, but I also have a problem with overeating. Ive been doing it mostly since Daddy passed in 2020, and it’s become really painful physically yet I can’t stop. I barely remember the past two weeks since my sweet dog-baby passed because I’ve just been binging, sleeping, and playing my video games. I haven’t gotten real help for my grief over Dad yet, and now I see how Im doing the same thing with losing little Rox—eating myself into a coma and still not getting the help I really need. I know that at this point I dont consciously want to atuff my feelings down—-I WANT to think of Daddy and Rox and cry, really feel this emotional pain. But this other part of me, a part that seems almost like another person, takes over and somehow Im driving to the store totally on impulse, getting God knows what, then coming home and eating it. I hate this so much. I feel totally out of control, lonely as hell, and in incredible pain—every day and every night. Im actually afraid that one day my body will just give out and I wont even get the chance to get my health back or have a good life. Its hard too because I know I need a counselor and OA. But I haven’t made an effort to do either one yet. I have gotten OA books and have been reading them, which is good. But I haven’t reached out to anyone yet. I think maybe deep down Im afraid I wont be able to get better, and I know that I need to deal with the overeating first or else other health problems related to my stomach and huge weight loss wont be able to be healed. Im so tired of being alone with all of these problems I just feel overwhelmed. I want my life back, myself back, my weight back, my health back, my parents back, and my lil Roxie back. All of the losses and health problems have lead me into overeating and not taking care of myself at all. And I wish so much that I had people in my f2f life like you guys who could help me. I wish I were surrounded by people who were loving, patient, encouraging, respectful, and able to help me with things. I dont like to envy others, but its been so long since I’ve had these kind of relationships (if ever) that when I see or read about people who have good relationships with spouses, siblings, living parents, close friends, etc I just want to cry. When I look around here I see myself and my remaining pets. Thats it. Im alone when Im sick, at appointments, grieving, rushing pets to appointments, having the house and its issues to cope with——all of it. And I literally can’t take it anymore. In just the past two days I’ve had the heater go out, got a flat tire, and learned that my electrical system might need serious work. Im on a really tight budget and trying to get on SSI or SS Disability, so I definitely cant afford these kinds of things. 😔

    I dont know. I just had to get this out tonight. It helps tremendously to write in my journal and get thjngs out that way, but sometimes I need to let other people know whats going on in my life. I appreciate you guys listening.

    #Grief #ED #Pets #Bipolar #ADD #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue

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    Any tips for when you feel like a loser? :(

    Sorry if it sounds negative but any tips for when you’re feeling really low about yourself/ your life? Thanks 🙏

    Appreciate any little pick me ups or those who can relate to this sometimes :c #lonely #sad #down #Low #hardonmyself #loser #lowselfesteem #Trying # headspace #Depression #Anxiety #Pickmeup #Tips #Selflove #Quotes #bad day #beatingmyselfupemotionally #selfsabotage #wantselflove #wanttoworkonselfcompassion

    Question

    What helps you when you’re too harsh on yourself?

    Feeling lonely and ashamed of my anxiety/ depression and the struggles that come along with it #Anxiety #Shame #lonely #help #coping #Selflove #Trying #Support

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    Splitting from myself.

    I know in borderline personality disorder when split with others we love them, we hate them, my therapist at the time told me I see people as all good and myself as all bad, but after writing several poems about myself I realize I split from myself as well, when I'm happy or stable I consider that my real self, but when i think or know I'm hurting others and taking blame for something as my fault that wasn't in the first place. I realize I refer myself as bad a person or that theirs a monster inside me that is trying to overtake the real me, essentially I see two persons inside of me, one good, one bad that always fighting with each other and I'm always fighting with them, what's real about me and which is a lie, A distorted mind or view can get extremely confusing, doubt, uncertainty, questioning your self constantly. Maybe that's why other's get so angry with us needing constant reassurance, we aren't being manipulating, we just don't have a accurate view of ourselves, our vision is always blurry, so we are constantly wanting feedback on who we really are because we cant decipher it ourselves. We are called clingy and at times draining the life out of others but the truth be told our identity is never stable, its wavering, wobble and at times unexisting, so we search for ourselves in other's, we mirror them so we feel like we still exist, but others of course feel like we are purposely suffercating them. We struggle with loneliness because on our own the chronic emptiness returns and to be honest we don't know how to handle the extreme empty feeling, so much so my goes absolutely crazy trying to figure out how to stay alive, that's when other's view it as attention seeking, when it is really our emotions are so strong that they overpower us, we grab something sharp to silence the pain as much as we can, we know it's a band aid, we know its not a solution but when you're ready to explode, your body is screaming, its burning we want instant relief through impulsive decision. We want to end our lives at times, people see it as you're trying to get our attention and play mind games, that is hardly ever the truth the intensity is so strong, we are so distorted and our minds give us one answer we must not go on anymore and silence the extreme emotions, for me I feel to much of a burden on others and my mind says release them from you. You should have never been born if you were going to ruin so many lives. Sometimes I think love is going to kill me. I love so hard and deeply but the monster in me is working hard against me to ruin everything I love and it eventually wins, but the love in me remains yet strong for me that it tortures me by day and night. I wasn't expecting to write all this, but it just flowed so easily. My question for you is do ever with split with yourself. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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    A worse day and random thoughts

    Today is one of the worse days. When I feel a bad day coming in I try to put myself not under pressure like I've to do this or that. Somehow I managed to get up, late, but I got up. That felt like a small victory. But the rest of the day... puh.
    I've something going on with a guy who is living in an other city therefore it's very hard to see each other. Yesterday he pretended to call me but nothing happened. Today he said he will call me in the evening. In the evening I wrote him if he's home from work and when he would give me a call. He texted back hours later that he is totally exhausted from work and he'll give me a call in the next days. This thing cracked me up, in an emotional way.
    On the one hand I'm very frustrated and angry and sad, on the other hand I'm glad that I even feel these emotions and that I'm not totally numb on a worse day.
    It's kinda weird though.
    After thinking about if it's still a thing between us I started to wonder why I reacted in this intensity. And then I realized that he hit a triggerspot.
    In the last three weeks just only one real friend checked up on me. I know now that I feel so very lonely and I miss to talk to someone in person, not only messaging. No matter whom this person would be.

    This is my first thought at 'The Mighty' and it feels good to write a thought down, no matter how random it might be. It helps especially when no one around you knows how to interact with you. I'm pretty open about my mental health issues and depression but most of the people think they have to handle me with kid gloves no matter if I tell them 'don't do that'.
    To everyone who managed to read all the way down: thank you for your attention. It means a lot to have a safe space to share something like this. 🙏
    Please be kind to my grammar, vocabulary, orthography and punctuation. 😅
    English is not my native language. 🤭 #Depression #Relationships

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    BPD + Employment

    In my opinion we work best when we are self employed. Meaning we work alone, now that does make us feel empty and lonely but that is when we're most productive. So being self employed Meaning we work for ourselves and we don't have employees working for us. Like a one man or one woman show. The lonely feeling we will get just turn on some music or watch TV while working that will curve the empty emotions a bit. #BPD #Employment

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    I´m feeling lonely with all my emotions. All the "surviving strategies" from the past come up again. Just surviving - no space to enjoy life.....

    How shall I care for my traumatized inner child who is just a baby girl??
    I´m feeling helpless.....

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    Conspiracies Of Silence

    Putting this out there for whoever needs to hear it. I am on the journey to forgiving myself. It’s hard and it’s lonely, but the silence became so deafening that in the end I had to scream and name some of the elephants in the room. Sometimes it felt like there were so many, it was suffocating the life out of me. And I learned that distance does not alter this feeling. Only the truth could free me but in saying the words, I lit my life on fire.

    Would I change it? Yes, if it would change them—but it won’t so here I am; choosing happy instead of normal 🤍

    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #GriefQuotes #Forgiveness #MightyBookClub #Loneliness #WritingThroughIt #selforphaned #Happiness #HappinessCanBeFoundEvenInTheDarkestOfTimesIfOnlyOneRemembersToTurnOnTheLight