Loneliness

​Sam’s Song (Out of the Silence)
​(Verse 1: The Long Silence)
Fourteen winters, held in my hands
A story written in the shifting sands
In 2010, the world went cold
A grief too heavy for one heart to hold
I kept you quiet, I kept you near
While I navigated the lonely fear.
​(Chorus)
Oh, Sam, I’m saying your name
Through the tension and through the rain
I’m opening the door I locked so tight
Bringing your memory into the light
You are loved, you are seen, you are free
And there is finally room for you and me.
​(Verse 2: The Healing)
My hands are tired from the weight they bore
But I don’t have to hide you anymore
The "wrong" I felt was never true
It was just the pain of missing you
I’m softening now, let the air come in
A new day is ready to begin.
​(Bridge: To the 2010 Self)
To the girl who survived with no one to call
Who used her own skin to catch the fall
I see your courage, I see your grace
I’m giving your sorrow a holy place.
​(Chorus)
Oh, Sam, I’m saying your name
Through the tension and through the rain
I’m opening the door I locked so tight
Bringing your memory into the light
You are loved, you are seen, you are free
And there is finally room for you and me.
​(Outro)
Rest now, Sam.
Rest now, me.
We are safe.
We are free

STILL lingers here, these wounds, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, Please return 3 movies to said boobie trapped premises, not cool, I will get by, and something Sally said, complete Reverence and Humble Lonely Heart Awe, was she on SCTV and what is wrong with me, Canada for Canadians, We are not Hoserr's because we wear toques, Eh, in fact we've evolved since then due to women like her, hmm yah the daylight thing happenned what's yer point, Astrid has plural beat friends, ask the girl why SOS darling won't you hear me SOS, what Pacifically is the year of the singing and talent a beautiful thing, everyone listens when he starts to sing, hmmmmmm, I invite meself to everything, how many Astrids does it take to screw a light bulb, just one Keith's, I dunno, was there, kept lit of Olde England, and gotta work, WINE Pee, today I have learned if ye don't know how Olde ye are yer wine!

So many voices begging to be heard and not enough people to listen. We scream into the void and instead of getting the reassurance we seek, the screams get louder, overshadowing our own pain pushing us to figure out more inauthentic ways to be seen.

So we mask up for social media. Give ourselves permission to be someone we're not. Say things we wouldn't normally say in person. Anonymity and a desperate need to be seen/heard has turned millions invisible; to themselves and to each other.

How can anyone possibly endeavor to reach a healthy base line mentally/emotionally if we are all invisible/deaf?

The loneliness is crippling and the need to connect makes us forget how strange social media really is. And so we keep trying to find connection; getting used to being disappointed.

I want to pull out the IV in my arm that is forcing the systems that created this world I live into my body, creating a false dependency. We don't need capitalism. We don't need patriarchy. We don't need racism. Social media is the crucible and echo chamber that swirls and escalates the things we don't need to our own detriment.

What would you do for a Klondike bar? What would you do for a real connection with someone who cares about your well being?

The truth is buried for them.I will beable to resolve with time but there is no true resolving this.I know enough to understand they fcked up, so bad that they are backtracking daily now.I hate that for them.For anyone they involved.Why choose to live that way?You choose to set yourself up, to add to it, day after day.I have expressed myself, enough.I am exploring whos her, who has been plotting and whos next, for him to munipulate and turn to.If he feels he has to have a seperate life, his friends, his family, that is, irreversible now.im not running back to people who hurt and ridiculed me, at my lowest. I am rebuilding my self,on my own, alone and my core memories aren't trainable, a negotiation or faked.it is disgusting how others have perceived me and I understand the difference in support, advocacy and coersive control.I am ashamed for them, I have humbled myself for them.I was never given the truth so the hypocrisy shines.I am alone but not lonely. I am untouched by their attempts to hurt me, still with unbreakable nerves at this point.But, Im unstable in the reactive sense and will flip on a dime, if conditions in respect, arent cohesive.Im more aware than I appear and I resent that fact.I can use it to my advantage which I have, its call strategic, survival and life.I never, had a seat at their table and I, knew, that,always.Spoke to her about it,their leader...I acknowledged it years ago.I also confronted the other women, who cannot stay in their own lanes.I was welcomed in yours,by you.I was invited,actually groomed.So using my past to shame or retraumatize me,that is a joke,another hypocrisy shines.Your game now,I have no clue.
Why, for years,wasted, when paperwork will fix everything.I helped build this house, I got hurt, over this house, still see nothing but potential in it, this house.He hates it, hates us and hates himself.All I can do is show up, maintain the house and try to rebuild my life, a life outside this house.I will get to a point of wanting physical intimacy but even in my heart, its a no? I put myself on the line and now, nope, call it pride, but nope, I call it self respect and principles.A standard I now have. Paying the bills, is not enough.Emotional labor, unseen labor, the unknown is too much, for me.It is the standards, too low bar for me.I do deserve better, sooo much better.I deserve to know whats transpired, whats keeping him from sleeping and worried.Is he okay or not? I cant trust anything now and he wants it that way,me unstable and confused.I am no longer confused and want the truth about All of the last eighteen months.

As the snow falls outside
and we’re held inside these physical walls,
it becomes an invitation
to look at the walls we’ve built
and the ones we’ve learned to lower
just to survive.

The isolation that softened into connection.
The loneliness that found its way into friendship.
The hardness that loosened into love.
The noise that settled into peace.
The rage—
no longer everywhere,
only rising now
when it is righteous.

To have come this far
in such a short stretch of time—
to fall in love with self and others,
to feel safe,
to feel seen,
to feel whole—

that is no small thing.

It is, quietly,
a beautiful thing.

#MentalHealth #Addiction #PTSD #MightyPoets #MightyTogether

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