losing a child

I’m here for my son (my middle child) who tried to commit suicide together with his girlfriend. She died and he survived. He went from being in a coma with a bullet logged in his brain to breathing through then the tube through his trackia. He’s not well mentally, emotionally nor physically and he’s in prison because he’s being charged with her death. My first born died 4 years ago still cannot even see his picture because is too hard for me to handle. My last born is in autism spectrum. He’s high functioning and very intelligent. Even though he’s come a long way from not having any speech and having 4-6 teachers per day in his younger years to graduating with a reagents diploma he’s my rock right now.

That’s the iceberg of my story. #LosingAChild #SuicideAttempt #SuicideLoss #Depression

Just getting my thoughts down. I ended up writing this in third party as an observer. This could possibly be triggering or distressing. Please exercise discretion when reading and seek support if needed

#Depression #Grief #Dissociating #ChildLoss #LosingAChild #learningtocope #bloggerthoughts #copingwithadeath #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ComplicatedGrief #grievingmother #griefandguilt #Anxiety #MomGuilt

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She grabs a pillow and hugs it. Holding it as if it were a baby. Holding and wishing it was her child. She curls herself around the pillow holding it tighter, tears now flowing freely down her face... Soon Her cries can be heard from outside. Her cries of anguish, despair, raw pain; her cries are a plea to have mercy and stop the pain. She places a hand over her heart and cries louder. Her heart is broken. The cires of a mother who has lost her whole world, is the most haunting sound.

She continues to cry, her throat raw from the cries, her eyes red and swollen. She lays there still holding the pillow. Wishing she could have her child in her arms. She continues to cry for hours but, eventually she falls asleep. Even as she sleeps tears flow from her eyes...

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It's night everything has quiet down, she lays down hoping to get some rest. As she lays down her eyes tired from the crying earlier in the day. She is emotionally exhausted. Her mind though doesn't allow her to rest. Her mind runs through all her memories with her son. Her mind gives her doubt and guilt. Maybe she hadn't done enough, maybe she should have been more vigilant, maybe it was something she did, what a terrible mom she must have been. Her mind won't stop, she just wanted some rest. Now she tosses and turns trying to drown out the thoughts. She covers her ears, as to stop the "voices" tell her she wasn't good enough, telling her it's her fault, she was a terrible mother.

The guilt is eating at her day and night. She is exhausted, she doesn't know how much longer she can keep going...

I'm always alone by myself. No friends. #LosingAChild #helpneeded
#CheckInWithMe

The day was heavy, unaware of the events that were about to unfold.
Mothers intuition pushed down below. Angry I should've known.

A mothers plight into the unknown.
Worst of fears alive and thrown.
Reality pushed down, my heart let out a most excruciating moan.

Breath baby breath. I see the tears sliding softly down your cheek. Struggle for those you love, you dont want to leave and be seen as weak.

I hold your hand, smell your skin and wipe those tears. I try so very hard to cover my fears. But I know deep within my soul that my baby boys gonna go.

The time has come. We tell you its okay and you slowly let go. In the midst of my pain I feel a peace that is insane.

The angels are waiting as you grab hold.
Jesus holds out his hand and the love just unfolds. No more heartache, no more pain, light instead of darkness.. that's what will forever remain.

We will never forget you our ClayClay.

"I love ya Ma, see you soon!

#motherspain #LosingAChild

I lost my angel to a nasty divorce that dragged on for almost 10 years. She was 9. I don’t even know if I’m posting in the correct area. But my heart stopped November 3, 2008. I really haven’t moved on sense.