LovemyFamily

So for the first time in a long time things are calm and good. We've had a very rough couple of months. Among other things my brother passed away and a very good friend of ours. Both in car accidents. I do not want to go into the details of any of the things that happend. They are over... (Apparently not in my head..)

And I'm supposed to be smiling. Stress off. Nothing big happening. No difficult decisions to make. Things at home are good. Things at work are good. I should be calm, happy, content.

But no...I fell into the pit of active suical ideation once again. I am so tired of this. It shouldn't be like this. Things are so contradictory. You don't want to be here but you don't want to hurt anybody, because let's face it; we are not saving anyone by commiting suicide. I had a very close friend that committed suicide on Valentines day last year. It broke me. It is because of her that I am here today... How could I possibly want to do that to my family. Why would I want my boys to grow up without a mom? I don't...But my head wants to and it plans it meticuously.

I am really tired of fighting these thoughts everytime I catch a dip. Why can't I just feel down? (And I don't mean this derogatory, I've been down in the dumps..) Why can't my insomnia just play up? No I drop off the cliff right into that pit. I'm confused, tired, disappointed in myself, mad ( sure if it is at life or myself?), guilty and my heart is aching. But we put on the smile because that is what we have to do. I'm supposed to be happy but I'm not.

#idontwanttofeellikethisanymore #LovemyFamily #Bipolar2

Oh my jeez, the last 4 days have been totally amazing for me. I've felt in my heart & spirit the innocence that I did in high school. I've had the mental energy and been open & positive - or seems like a dream! If this is a manic episode I hope it never ends because so many things feel like I've captured all the bits of me I've lost that I have grieved over due to entering the grown up world. It happened gradually but it was a long, painful adjustment.
I can feel every pain from sciatica, back, neck, pancreatic pain. Migration pain. I feel it & process the pain. However there seems no emotional pain! The anxiety remains - lessened, but the depression, for now, seems to have gone.
My doctor recently (3 weeks ago) put me on #Trintellix added to #Effexor for depression. I don't know if this if this is the magical combination for me right this moment... Idk if it's my happiness in life & feeling free having recently gotten everything for my farm paid up and a new horse... My 15 month old grandson lives with me & my daughter & her man. I am blessed beyond all reason!
I've never felt so free. I have obstacles coming my way. There's quite a spend down for medicaid now, I lost food stamps & my daughter's were reduced. She doesn't understand so she's mad at me.
Thank you for reading of you've gotten this far. I wanted to share some joy bc I'm always complaining & wanted to share my JOY!!!!!! 🌻
#lovemylife #LovemyFamily #lovemyhappiness #Depression #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain
#CheckInWithMe

Happy Valentine’s to my family who always supports me, and to my best friend who is such a great person, and again to my pup, who is included in the family part. You all love me the way I am and I’m grateful for you. #Friendsarefamily #LovemyFamily