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Why don't antidepressants and therapy work for me and my depression? Is it something else, C-PTSD or Autism?

I have lived all of my 64 years (that I can remember) being depressed. I didn't know what it was until my 20s, and read a book called REALITY THERAPY which described my symptoms very well, and offered me hope for the first time. I started therapy soon after, but living with depression ever since.

I have been in regular therapy since that time, and have had a wide variety of therapists, and a wide variety of antidepressants in those years. I'm currently on Effexor XR 300mg per day, and have been for over 10 years. It seems to have worked better for me than others I had in the previous years.

Still, the best that I ever feel is what I think 'normal' people feel when they say they're depressed. I call it "neutral", although when I'm questioned by a therapist or doctor, they classify it as 'depressed'. For me, that "neutral" state feels like a huge relief, and a time to freely exhale, and otherwise let my body loose, and to relax. But like I said, the doctors say that I am still depressed then, just not as much as I usually am.

Twenty years ago, a new doctor told me that the reason I wasn't getting better was because I was misdiagnosed, and he diagnosed me with Bipolar type 2. I started on Depakote as a mood stabilizer, and stayed on antidepressants as well. Then came a diagnosis of ADHD, and I have been on Ritalin ever since. I spent decades on the combination and still fought depression every step of the way.

Last year I was switched from Depakote to Lithium, at a high dose, and because doctors didn't check my blood levels each month, I ended up with severe Lithium toxicity, and near death. I was taken to a hospital with a Trauma Center a hundred miles away, and spent the next week there hooked to three IVs, and constant medical attention. I'm still recuperating at home.

My current psychiatrist doesn't agree with the previous Bipolar 2 diagnosis, but thinks it may be something else. C-PTSD seems to fit in a myriad of ways with me. But now I am wondering if even some level of Autism fits with me. It's hard for me to tell what might be actual symptoms that I have, and what might just be coincidences.

If my depression is not coming from 'depression', per sé, but is coming from C-PTSD or Autism, would that explain why the antidepressants and talk therapy over the years have never truly gotten rid of it? Or does it not make any difference, and I'm just whistling in some dark alley somewhere? I don't really have much hope any more that things can ever get any better. ♧

#Depression #ChronicDepression #Bipolar2Disorder #ADHD #Effexor #lithiumtoxicity #lithium #Misdiagnosed #BipolarDisorder #neurodiverse #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #SocialAnxiety #AdultDiagnosis #AutismDiagnosis #BipolarDisorderDiagnosis #Autism #UndiagnosedAutism #TheNationalAutisticSociety #AutismAcceptance #Anxiety #PTSD #CPTSD #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Selfdiagnoses


Medication issues

I’ve been on and off antidepressants most of my life. I have been on almost all of them that are our there at one time or another and they eventually stop working. After my hospitalization in February I was put on 225 mg of Effexor. Now, I was told it’s not a good idea to stop suddenly without tapering off of it. I realized why after missing doses, most recently having horrible withdrawal symptoms a little over a week ago. I currently do not have insurance and my benefits don’t start until December at my job. I currently do not qualify for Medicaid, which is what I was on until separating from my husband in May. I am down to two days of medication and cannot get into my psychiatric nurse practitioner until the 4th. I’m terrified of the possibility of how sick it will make me and of being emotionally unstable, as I have experienced in the past when missing several doses. Only this time I cannot just remember to take a dose and fix it as I won’t have any. I guess I feel like this is more serious than I feel anyone is taking it. Like they tell you not to just go off of it and then when you tell them your situation they’re like “I don’t know what to tell you.” I just had therapy and I told my therapist I know they have an education and they have never had to be on this stuff so I don’t feel like they can fully understand. He was very empathetic and kind about it and of course there’s little he can do. I’m just frustrated and a little scared of what’s ahead. I told him if I get through the next two weeks I’m going off of it completely. He agreed that I could definitely try that if the side effects and withdrawal symptoms were that bad. My psychiatric nurse practitioner may not agree. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #Anxiety #Effexor #Antidepressants #withdrawal


Hi I’m new & my #Anxiety is in overload

I joined The Mighty a couple of months ago but haven’t really known what to say in a post. Tonight seems like a very appropriate time to share though.

I’ve suffered with #Anxiety for at least 10 years now. It used to just be #Depression but it seems that over the years anxiety has crept up on me & is winning a war with depression.

Some of you might know of me, I admin a page on Facebook called #depressionawareness
I created the page in 2010 & it’s very dear to my heart even though I can be a bit of an absent admin.
You can find my page by searching @DepressionAwareness2010 on Facebook. But anyhoo, this isn’t meant to be a boost for my fan page.

No, tonight is probably the worst I’ve felt for a very long time. My day started out well, I’ve recently come off #Venlafxine ( #Effexor ) & I will admit it was one hell of a fight! I’ve been completely off it for over a month now & this morning I had a review about my new med, #Sertraline
It was a successful appointment on that part.
However, I’ve been given a #betablocker to help with my blood pressure which has been climbing steadily for about a year now.

So after my appointment, my Dad, who suffers from #BipolarDisorder received an odd letter in the post. It was from a company looking for him.
After a quick Google search of the company (because you can never be too careful these days) I rang them.
We were given some horrible news.
My Uncle passed away last month & the local council were trying to find his relatives. I confirmed that he was indeed my Dad’s brother & gave them as much information as I could. It took hours & more than just one phone call. I also rang around some other family members so they didn’t get the sad news the same way we had.
I deal with phone calls in my house because my Dad is profoundly deaf.

Once I had finished with the bombardment of calls, messages & long lost relatives, I had quite the headache.
After attempting to comfort my Dad I retreated to the solace of my dark bedroom. That was about 6pm.

It was then that my mind had chance to reflect on the day. I smiled for a while at the gifts I had received from a dear friend.
However, my mind soon returned to thinking about my medications etc & something my Dr said this morning started sounding alarm bells in my head.
We had been discussing my blood pressure obviously but I told him that in one of my more stressful moments the previous week I’d had the startling clarity to check my blood pressure. I explained that my blood pressure was actually quite low at the time but my pulse rate was extremely high at a whopping 116bpm. He told me that’s because my heart is literally struggling to cope with my anxiety & stress.
I instantly started to panic.

So now, it’s after 2am, I’m tired beyond belief, but my mind just will not stop racing. Every little twitch of skin around my chest is terrifying me.

I’m running out of room to type. I didn’t realise there was a limit. I do like a nice long vent though.

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Good in - good out #Depression #Anxiety #Effexor

The next step in my recovery from a long season of depression is to join a gym. I want to establish a healthy routine. Had my first session today, and it was hard to get started... but once I paid the money, had the tour, I had a great workout. I noticed I was wanting to push myself hard, but stopped that thought in its tracks and was gentle. 45 mins is enough for a starter. Had a spa afterwards.

Gym ppl are motivated and friendly. I noticed the feelings of “everyone is noticing I’m new” but I stopped that thought, it wasn’t true, and do what if someone is new? The mind tries to protect you. I smoked and focused on moving my body.

I plan to go 3 times a week, and keep up my mtb rides once or twice a week. That’s a really good investment in time and energy.

I hope this helps someone who is struggling. 6 months ago I was a complete mess!

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Good to be feeling myself again #Depression

After 8 months off work and not playing music, I sang to a crowd of 2500 basketball fans at halftime on the weekend. No nerves, just energy and a great song by the Killers (mr Brightside) “I’m coming out of my cage..”

Felt quite surreal and suited me with my recent journey with depression associated with coming off Effexor too quickly. Lesson learnt! Back on it and feeling my normal self.

I hope this helps give someone hope. #Effexor

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Floating #Depression #Effexor

I’m feeling great now I’m back on my medication. My new job is great. This is my grandads model yacht I helped him build before he passed away. It’s floating in the pool at work.

It got me thinking about floating thru life. Going up and down with the waves. It means not fighting against the season you are in. Sometimes this boat circles the pool backwards and that’s ok. Who says it needs to go forwards?

Something I thought was a good metaphor to share. Hope you are having a good week and “float” thru what comes your way:)

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Walk slower and do one thing at a time

It’s so easy to rush about. Who cares if some things on my to do list are not completed today? Today I felt the pressure to finish a project at work but I slowed right down and took my time. I’ll finish it first thing tomorrow morning. This internal pressure I felt has put me into burnout before so today I noticed it and ignored the pressure. It felt good too.

There is always something else to do, so it’s endless. I’m also mindful it’s only halfway through the working week so I’d rather pace it than need a day off on Friday.

I’m happy I can notice this now and alter my direction.

What things do you notice that put yourself under pressure to perform? #Depression #Anxiety #Burnout #Effexor #worklifebalance #Mindfulness

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First time back in the studio after a long season of depression #Effexor #Depression #Anxiety #creative #musician

Today it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve been feeling better. Long story but I came off Effexor too fast, crashed, lost my relationship, list my pet dog , close family member died. I have had 8 months off work with panic attacks and severe depression.

Once I got the dose right I instantly started feeling better. I found a job and have completed my first week with flying colours. Now the creatively is returning, I hear songs and lyrics in my mind and I need to get it out into a recording. My counseller said one of the markers of my mental health returning is a surge of creativity. Creatives need to be able to create, it takes huge amounts of energy and focus. Sometimes I spend 6 hours in the studio to finally admit the song I’m working on is just not that good.

Although I feel tired I’m going to set up a recording space in my cousins studio and see what comes out. I know that I need to relax and remove any pressure. Try to enjoy the process as much as possible. I’ve decided it’s more healthy to work a part time job and do music on the side - as opposed to full time and have all the pressure of financial, performance, promotion, record labels, touring, social media that it brings.

Wish me luck!

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Depression. Attack the burger

I’ve suffered from severe depression on and off for decades. For periods of a few years I seem to completely forget about it, like it’s a bad dream.. I came off the medication thinking “I’ve got this” and 6 months later I discover I’m deep in a spiral. After a series of life’s “kick in the guts” styled events, I crashed into a dark place. Could barely function. A friend told me about this app, and thought I’d post something about the dangers of coming off medication. I’m focusing on my health full time and find it helpful reading others stories. While I rebuild my life and rewire my brain, I am thankful for the great team I have around me and this online community. It’s a bit like eating a burger - one bite at a time!
#Depression #Medication #Effexor

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Sesame the Brave

Today I lost my baby. I can’t believe she’s gone. It’s unreal. She looked ok this morning. Sesame took a piece of my heart with her. I can’t stop crying. So Brave and strong. I love loved her with all my heart. She came into my life and 2 weeks later I noticed she had a ruptured crop. You would of never known. She had surgery like a trooper. Unfortunately she had to have a few follow ups and the wound was resutured and stapled. This happened a few times. Sesame the Brave. My strong sweet little precious bird. I can’t believe she’s not here. I keep looking at her area and not seeing her perched is heartbreaking. This pain is unbearable. I wanted her to live a long life with me. But she’s gone. I can’t lose anyone else. I would of done anything for her. I feel terrible. She had a ecollar on the last few weeks of her life to prevent her from getting to her surgery site. Sesame strong sweet Brave precious little baby girl. Her wound opened and had surgery yesterday . I brought her home last night. This time she had a bandage wrap over the surgery site to prevent her from getting to it. I checked her a few times. This morning she looked ok. She drank a little water and tried to eat but with limited mobility she couldn’t get to it. So I elevated them for her but she was ready for a nap. I stayed in the room with her awhile and I had to leave her to take care of the rest of the critters outside. I set up a camera in the room so I could watch her. I took my chicken Gabby out for a walk and then looked at the video . Sesame was lying down. I knew right away something was wrong. I threw gabby back in her house and ran inside. My precious baby girl was dead. Her roommate Hazelnut who stays in the room with her was near her cage. I love my Sesame and want her back. I’m so sorry Sesame. Mama loves you. Mama loves you so much. Fly free my baby girl. You have no pain and no worries. Be in heaven and know you are missed and loved so much. I love you my Sesame the Brave. My Sesame is one of my kids. I only had her since September but quickly became my little love . My heart aches. My head aches. I’m sorry my baby. I feel numb. She was very much a part of my everyday life. Morning noon night. The looking and talking to her always. Now a whole in my heart. I’m lost. I told my husband before ,as I had to drive over an hour to get to her veterinary appointments, if anything happened and it was a choice to save me or Sesame..... save Sesame. She was a special bird . I want to be strong. I want to be Brave. Like my precious Sesame. Mama loves you. Goodnight my sweet baby girl mama loves you always. #Depression #TherapyAnimal #ChronicPain #sad #Dove #Effexor #Brave