Hello My Friends.
I had some serious insomnia last night. I also had a terrible dream that I was chased by some kind of monster! Dreams are weird sometimes. It did not feel so much like a nightmare but it did feel like a dream of empowerment. It was as if I was in charge of getting people to safety away from the monster. It was strange.
What kind of #dreams do you have?
When does anxiety transform into a panic attack?
Curiously, anxiety, not depression, is a huge part of my life. There are times, that I feel anxiety is just losing control of my life, or, writing it correctly, the fear of losing control.
It's like I have all my monsters in a cage, but I keep looking at those monsters because I feel they might break the cage and get me.
Maybe it is my kid inside me, that remembers when I will get under the bed like somehow being under the bed will stop whatever was hurting me from hurting me again.
Can I be honest? I'm not sure if maybe I had a real monster, meaning, a real HUMAN hurting me, molesting me, attacking me?
I don't know why I forgot a lot of my childhood, and I can't remember one good thing about my childhood with my mother. And I'm trying, and I keep trying to remember one good thing with her, a moment of playing or smiling, or she allowed me to be a kid.
I don't know if it's a good thing to remember. The brain, our all overseer makes you forget or remember sometimes specific things.
I remember I was "the little man of the house", the responsible one, the one who was in charge of my brothers and sisters, the one who had to be an example for them.
I don't know when I lost my childhood, I don't even know if all of this that I feel, is real or not.
I am getting older, and I don't know anymore what went on in that PERFECT FAMILY that we were. I'm scared, but I'm an adult, and I suppose not to be scared of the monsters in the closet anymore, but....
Is it worth it to speak up? or to simply forget that I forgot?
My name is Jesus Guillen, and I live with anxiety and PTSD.
Trapped in my head
Where the monsters live
Ripping at my soul
What mask today will I unfold
Tell the world that I’m okay
Make it through another day
I love you and I’m here for you
What do you need me, my dear, to do
Good morning, smile. It will be a great day
Somebody please take this hurt away
You can do it I know it
Just try again
How have I lost so many friends
Hell yeah let’s party go get a drink
Take me away from the time to think
Home alone I close the door
Pain and sorrow take me to the floor
I need to scream and hash it out
Explore my world overwhelmed with doubt.
The morning sun smears out the night
Pull on the mask, shine a ray of dark light.
One more day mask who you are
Always be that dim shining star.
BPD feels to me like you’re a superman but u got a lot of monsters out there and they’re not kind but very cruel and u fight against them and u become so strong but once u defeated all of them you’re the real superman but then thousands of these monsters come and u feel like u can’t take it u even fear that if u do something that comes in their way they will get you but just step by step u start not with the strong monster but the tiny monster because that are the ones that even though it may seem like they’re tiny , the bigger monster are way too easy to kill than these small monsters. #monsters
Today my depression monster is crippling, telling me no one cares. That I'm not worth caring about. No one ever reaches out to check on me and when asked why not they respond with "you have to reach out first." Today my monster are bigger than they've ever been, today I feel like I'm being swallowed whole
I wish I could go back in time
And tell my little self
It’s okay little girl,
Monsters aren’t under your bed
They are only inside your head
I wish I could
tell my little self
Don’t trust anyone
Besides your friends now
And make sure you
Keep these friends
close to your heart
Because they are still
Your friends
When you are 16
I wish I could
Tell my little self
To trust your parents
And listen to them
Before it is too Late
I wish I could
Tell my little self
To talk to someone
When you feel
down and upset
Because killing yourself
isn’t worth it
I wish I could
Tell my little self
It’s okay little girl,
Monsters aren’t under your bed
They are only inside your head
But you can get help
And you will be okay
Because in the future
You find someone
Who loves you
so very much
And you get help
And you are finally happy
So little self…
Keep fighting...
It’s going to be okay...
#Depression #monsters #Anxiety #littleself
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