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To May, with Loss

I want to like May, I really do. But I just can’t. Hear me out.

May brings new life. It ushers in a tapestry of flowers and abundant sunshine and the promise of endless summer, of bonfires and warm nights. For me, the stark contrast of loss against a backdrop of such beauty has always been too much to reconcile. Beauty should be born in May. It should not die.

May 14, 1995 was Mother’s Day. I had turned eight years old two months before. I still have a framed photograph from that day of myself, my mom, and our family dog, sitting in the backyard in the sun – my mom in a brightly striped beach chair, me in the grass next to her, leaned in close and clutching on as if to say, “Don’t leave me.” In retrospect, I wonder how much I was actually able to appreciate on a day that’s all about appreciation. Did I thank my mom for all that she did for me? Did I make her a well-intentioned but less-than-impressive card by hand? Did I give her a gift? Did I say, simply, I love you?

Six days later, she did leave me.


An excerpt from my essay "To May, with Loss," published by The Manifest-Station in 2015. This essay (and all of my other writing) is available at my Linktree page:

As both Mother's Day and my mom's 27th death anniversary approaches, I'm reminded yet again (as I am every year) that not only is grief not is not time-limited. It doesn't go away. It makes no difference how long it's been; it will always hurt, especially on anniversaries/birthdays/holidays/milestones. It just hurts differently with time.

#Grief #griefawareness #griefsupport #griefjourney #normalizegrief #Loss #Healing #Trauma #motherloss #MotherlessDaughter #childhoodloss #childhoodgrief #childhoodgriefsurvivor #griefsupportcoach #griefsupportspecialist #griefeducator #certifiedgriefeducator #Writing #griefwriting #manifeststation #girlmeetsgrief

@girl_meets_grief | Linktree

Writer. Certified Grief Educator. Grief Support Specialist.
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Newbie Named Mandi

I was actually told about this site by my therapist and it took a while to get it and then even longer to say anything. Im a 34 year old #mom #wife #MotherlessDaughter (thanks to suicide in 2003)
#cancersurvivor...and I also walk around with a face that says everything os A-Ok when I feel like Im falling apart. Thanks to the #BreastCancer. I had a double mastectomy and began Chemo and radiation and started the reconstruction process...I have had 12 operations due to complications with my body and not handling the surgeries well rejecting an implant 4 times, a major severe infection and so much more. I had said to every Dr I saw, that I was very scared of becoming addicted to the pain meds because addiction is on both sides od my family (its why my mom killed herself) anand they all PROMISED if it happens they will all be happened and NO ONE F*ING CARED. I became suicidal, tore my family completely apart and became someone I hated. I turned to a close family friend, *my moms best friend*who was is recovery and she turned her back on me. Eventually I hated myseld enough and I knew I didnt want to be this person anymore and I put myself into a recovery program and can now say Im getting back to my old self again, but I struggle everyday and its not wanting to pop pills or relapse its just depression & anxiety 24-7. My 93 year old grandma is my rock, my "mom", "my safeplace" is now on hospice with cancer EVERYWHERE. Everytime I see her I struggle because I dont want to live my life without her in it. Im so scared of losing the ONE person who truly knows and gets me. Watching her slowly die is so much harder than the way my Mom went. I am feeling so overwhelmed, sad, scared, alone, many different feelings and yet no one around me truly understands...Not even my Husband. I do t want to feel these feelings anymore...I want to be happy again but I have no idea how to get there again. I dont want to my gramz to die but I also dont want her to suffer....Im just numb & scared and I feel broken.
I just want to find some friends who TRULY understand how I feel and not just have the "get over it" attitude. Sorry for the word vomit, but hey I guess this would be the best place for it right??!?!?!