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What Just Happened, and what do I do now?
Hello all. I don't even know where to begin. I have been in an abusive relationship throughout most of my life. Codependency, emotional and mental abuse from my parents, sister, friends, school teachers, and most employers. I have also been in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship with my wife for almost 10 years. It will be on the 11th. We had decided to take a, much needed, break from each other for 1 month while she went to visit her brother in another state. I had recently been denied social security disability, so I was going to use the time to try to figure out how to get work. I was not expecting the slew of emotions that flooded in after they left. They being my wife and two little boys. I had been trying to get on disability without a job for the past 4 years, as was required of me by my disability attorneys. They told me it would “better my chances of getting on disability if I didn’t have a job”. In the meantime, my parents were having to pay for our lives, out of pocket while we waited for absolutely nothing to come out of this whole exhausting, and traumatizing process for years on end. Well, this created one heck of an employment gap which I’m still dealing with today. It had been so long since I just had free time to do what I really wanted or needed to do that I didn’t know what to do with it. I was just frozen and dysfunctional. This was supposed to be a freeing time for me to have the quiet and space to get some R&R, and employment of some kind. While my wife and boys were away, I never felt truly free enough to enjoy the time and space I had to myself as I really needed to. I just kept stopping myself most of the time saying internally, “No, I shouldn’t do that or move that. They’ll be home after a while and she’ll get upset about it”. In order to break things up a little bit, while I waited for them to come home, I went on a much-needed vacation to a state I loved being in and thought it would be a good investment into myself so I could come back refreshed and better than when I left. Well, a few things went majorly wrong which made it very, very stressful so that didn't help much at all. I came back more stressed than when I left! I was left with about two weeks to find and get work before they came back which made that part even more hyper stressful than it was before I went on my trip! Y'all are probably wondering, if I am having money trouble and don't have much of it then why in on earth did I decide to go on a trip? The answer is that it had been almost three years since I actually went on a trip. And that trip before was a complete disaster! I took my family on that one and I was constantly trying to function while in fight or flight mode the whole time. We ended up having a pretty major fight/argument and that tainted the trip. I didn't see it at the time but I was falling apart at the seams. Anyway, it seems I'm unintentionally writing a book here so I'll get to the point. A little over a month ago, my wife and I had a Pretty major fight in front of the kids(poor things). This in turn lead to my wife wanting to get a divorce and kids leaving me and moving to her brother's house in another state. The good news is neither one of us has to endure each other 's abuse of one another anymore, but the bad news is my family is several 100 miles away from me and the only way I can see them is through FaceTime. We were abrasive and abusive to each other, two different for one another. We both gave it our all to the point of losing ourselves in the midst of it. Right now, as I'm writing this, I feel emotionally raw and still in shock from what happened. Earlier in our marriage my wife vowed to me that she would never leave me no matter what. I guess she was unable to keep her word under these circumstances. I don't want to paint either one of us out to be a demon, because that's not my goal here, but I do want to say that I wasn't the only one being abusive. I am autistic and my wife's actions caused a chain reaction to occur that was pretty out of control for me. She came home in a bad mood, tired, unappreciative, emotionally-cold, and outright mean. Two days before she came home, she told me that they were in the “planning phases” Of coming home. Within the next few minutes while on that same phone call, she told me that they'll be home in two days. I was wanting to make our home a very nice, clean, and inviting place for her to come home to. Totally stress free. I thought I would have more time to get the house ready but I was kind of lied to about the time frame which made me very stressed out. With the time I had I worked my **** off to get things ready for her and the boys. I had a very long list, for me, of things that need to be done. So I raced to get those things done as fast as I humanly possibly could. After she got home, she showed no appreciation for all the hard work I put in to creating a nice place for her and the boys to come home to. This is where the major fight originated from. She had the look of disgust on her face while looking at a nice, clean, and orderly home. Her and the boys trashed the house within minutes of arriving. I don't know this for sure but, I believe she was upset because I wasn't able to get a job while she was away. Even though, I had worked very hard at jobs in the past and it made no difference to her. I still got thrown under the bus and disrespected for no apparent reason. I feel so messed up from the fallout of all of this that I don't know who I am, I don't know how to act, and I don't know what to do because it is excruciatingly difficult to get and keep a job as an autistic person. This was one of the biggest reasons I needed to apply for disability in the first place, is because of my autism! I now live in an overly large home, for just me, after moving to the country so my boys will have room to run and play, and just be boys. My neighbors who were at first friendly are now very cold and distant towards me. To the point that they will go inside their homes if I'm outside in my yard. I'm not a bad person. I don't mean anybody any harm at all. I don't have a criminal record. So that part makes it more difficult to live here. From what I gather about people around here is: if you don't have lucrative work then you don't mean anything to them which I think is very shallow and childish of them. I hope I'm wrong, but it sure seems that way from my point of view. We moved 1 1/2 hours from our previous location. I'm now in a somewhat remote part of the state without much, if any, support system to help me through this. I have found it very difficult to make friends here. There seems to be an unwritten mentality that if they don't know you then you're not safe to be around or talk to. They seem majorly over afraid of everybody and everything. I can relate to a certain extent considering what happened within the last couple of years but at some point I would think people would choose to be human again. I don't know if it's like this and other parts of the country but they, although seemingly nice, can be very standoffish. I could go on but I don't wanna write a novel so I'll leave it at this. Sorry this is so lengthy. I haven't been on the Mighty in a very long time.#Autism #Narcassistic #EmotionalAbuse #mentalabuse #Depression #Undiagnosed #CPTSD
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