NoExcuseForAbuse

So over the last year I've got back 100's of new memories from 0-8years, of horrific ritualistic abuse I suffered at the hands of a ring of very rich/powerful people.

When I got memories back that involved other children and murders, I went to the police.
They were not willing to give me any protection, so I moved county and changed my name to protect myself (there is a lot more to that story) I won't go into it apart from to say I lost a Lot of faith in the lead investigating officer and it involved months of waiting to be interviewed!

Now in a new place I spoke to the officer I will be interviewed by for the first time today, I meet her for a pre-interview Monday and will go in for the first day of recording my statement a few days after.. (a process that took months under another police force)
It will likely take 2-3 maybe more separate interviews, each lasting 4-5hours.

I waited months and that felt like hell, now it all seems super quick.
I'm worried though I've done all I can to build a new support network in a new city in lockdown, that maybe I haven't done enough?
I'm very aware of the fact my life long friends and few bits of family are 100's if miles away.
That means that No one who is familiar with my mental health or knows what I need at my worst times is going to be in human reach... This worries me.

I live in a hostel so I can't even have anyone in my room, which means I can't invite and old friend to stay.
Whooaa it's just all alot right now!
I keep worrying, down to even the stupid things like I've got nothing smart to wear and this footage will be what the dury sees as my evidence.
I don't want to look shappy. But I only have like 6 bits of clothes here.

I know I shouldn't be the one being judged, I'm not the one on trial.
But humans prejudge without even meaning to.
I know when it comes to court his lawyers will run me over the coals, a rip into me about prior mental episodes.

My only friends down here just went out for a drive with another one of their mates, I was clearly not invited.
Even though both people have said they will be there for me through this.
I feel soo isolated today I could cry, yet I can't seem to form tears..

I can't think of anything I could focus on that would ease my pain in this moment, I just hang on to the truth that this like any other is just a moment in time and thus will pass..
I repeat the mantra 'fear is just a thought and any thought can be changed'
Deep breaths, as I take on the biggest challenge of my lifetime!

I Can and Will speak the horrific truths of my childhood, in hope to safe guard other children in the future!!
Justice is the aim!
I have very little faith in the system but I won't let my lack of belief in the transparency of the criminal justice system deter me from coming forward and saying my piece.

I survived the Most horrific torture, sexual abuse, being a witness to murders.
I WILL SURVIVE THIS!!
I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.
#speakout #Stronger #warrior

People who've had the profound misfortune of being targeted by a person with narcissistic personality disorder know the depths of the destructive effect this has.The same is true for people who are abused while in relationship with other Cluster B personality disordered people.
Personality disorders are NOT considered mental illness.
Part of the profile of behaviors typically found in Cluster B disordered people is pathological manipulation/deceit/gaslighting-insidious, manipulative abuse that is extremely destructive to their target-victims.
One of the hallmarks is a lack of compassion, and these people will employ the methods of abusive interaction noted above, and many more, in order to keep their target-victim ensnared.

I was targeted. I know this terror, destruction first hand. I also have a loved one who unfortunately knows this on a personal level as well. People who have been victimized by these personality disordered types are victimized again, when in groups like this and others on social media, there is the proliferation of sympathy for the plight of the narcissist, the BPD, etc. WHY? My observation is that much of this is engendered by the Cluster B types themselves, since they "feed" off of attention. Then there are unfortunately well meaning but confused people who sincerely believe that everyone can be helped, and, because they do not see the manipulation that we recovered victims of such abuse do, buy into it, unwittingly feeding these disordered people.

I am here to say unequivocably: ABUSE is ABUSE,. There is NEVER AN EXCUSE. Unless and until abusers of any stripe take responsibility, there can be no redemption. And that is where my next point segues: psychopathy in people who have NPD, for example, means that they know they are abusing others. IT IS BY DESIGN. They do not care because they lack empathy. They love to exploit people who are naive enough to think they can.

#MentalHealth

Today I’m sad. And I have been sad for a couple of days now. My father moved out in January(new job)since him leaving I have been way more relaxed in my household. My mom asks me if I’ve talked to him, but he has yet to call me. He never talked to me while we lived under the same roof, why should things change now? If there’s to be a change, why not in him? In his behavior? His attitude, his appreciation and affection? I’m not saying it’s too late for him to change. If anyone, it’s too late for me to change, anytime I try to leap over this hurtle I fall short. Any affection that adults try to give me I take in as a poison, and I will do anything to get that off of me. Because what I have learned in life; anyone you give your heart to will leave. I don’t have anymore heart to give away.

Lately, my #PTSD replaying past events, and I’m still so angry. I feel inferior. I feel scared. Worthless, ugly, frustrating. Today, i feel sad.

Everytime something is replayed, I find myself wanting to ask them “Why did you choose to have kids?” “Why was I born?”