onmymind

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Late night rambling or maybe early morning nonsense

I've been either sipping on coffee or snoozing on my couch next to pauley all night. I've been posting on Facebook, the mighty, and pupspace (social media just for the puppy community). Not much feedback on any of them. But I still post because someone somewhere cares enough to see my post.

I posted a few cute pics on pupspace. At least I think I'm cute. But the leather community tends to be inhospitable towards trans people at the best of times. And no amount of facial hair is gonna make me pass as a guy. It's just a fact. But I'm not feminine either. Just having tits and an innie crotch goblin doesn't make someone a woman. I'm definitely genderqueer. And I'm happy with it.

Except for the top dysphoria. That is the nightmare I live with every single day. When I found the abscess on my areola I thought (for only a minute) maybe it'll make having my tits removed medically necessary.

Pauley just sat down with a bowl of disgusting horrible eeeeewy oatmeal. She reminded me im going out for dinner with my QPP. I really wish we were going out on Friday night instead cuz my favorite shop is only open Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And there's a bubble tea shop nextdoor. And some of our favorite restaurants are within walking distance. It's my favorite place to wander.

But we're going to One Eyed Betty's. It's a little bar that has amazing food. They have the only alcohol I will drink called licor 43. It's a citrus vanilla liquor. It tastes like custard. I mix it with sweet tea, no ice. I never drink to get drunk, just one drink.

I'm trying to find open mic poetry night events so I can read some of my work. I'm gonna see if any of our friends would be interested in going with us. I think maybe once per month might be nice.

I'm noticing something. Pauley gets upset with her computer and hits it and curses at it and then I kinda want to hide from her. I'm afraid she's gonna take her anger out on me. I just don't handle fiery emotions very well.

#stuff #onmymind

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Overwhelmed

My manager keeps piling more responsibilities on me. I feel like I'm expected to take over a coworkers role while she's healing for surgery while still completing all my other work responsibilities. I called out sick on Friday because my depression and anxiety flared up from the stress.
I feel like I can't tell him about my mental health because I would be looked down on.
Got some support from family but it's still on my mind. #Depression #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #onmymind

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Chronic illness is so lonely! #ChronicIllness #lonely #Depression #Pain #lonelyness #LateNightThoughts

First post, new to the app. Have heard about it before but never explored. However I found myself in a really REALLY lonely place tonight. You know the one that makes you start thinking "why am i here?", "would anyone even miss me?", "I'm just a burden". You get the point. Spining down that dark, dark tunnel that is incredibly hard to crawl out of.

Life has been extra tough and extra lonely lately and a fight with my partner just left me feeling even more damaged and alone. So I thought, why not try to reach out to others? Ppl who get it and probably feel the same at times. I'm in between meds, because I was in between insurance and now I need the new insurance to approve the new meds...and well, you know how that goes. So I'll likely be without the meds I need even longer only making all these feelings worse, because pain and inability to function leads to depression.

The thing my partner said tonight at some point that really got me in the feelz was "thats your doctors job" (about the insurance med approval) I was just blown away because after 3 years of watching this battle, he truly thinks it just the docs job! Like I just sit here while the doc and insurace company have a nice chat about my health and treatment. IF ONLY IT WERE THAT SIMPLE!

Just a nother slap in the face of how truly lonely this journey is. There's a lot more things that happened in the last couple weeks to get me here, obviously. But tonight, that gut punch comment lead me to this place. A place I guess I'm just hoping I can open up, others will take the time to read my insane rants and maybe tell me I'm not alone, even if it feels like it.

If you read this to this point, bless you friend. I'm a wild ride of mixed thoughts and appreciate others like me. Lets be friends. 🥰

#LateNightThoughts #onmymind #lonely #depressionhole #tryingtoovercome

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#Depression as per my past few days

Whats on your mind?

I haven't showered in days. I've been asleep more hours than I've been awake. My sustenance has consisted of gas station snacks and #Anxiety . My words seem like i can't get them out fast enough, as if theres a rushing whirlpool in my mind. My t-shirt has been my tissue as well as my napkin. Something about mercury in retrograde again. I know I'm not hungry so, why did i eat that? I messed up and only shaved half of one leg. My #Tremors are making it hard to hold things, write, type. I'm scared. Always so on edge. I'm afraid one day my med's will stop working and i wont have developed the proper coping techniques to be okay.

Thats whats #onmymind

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I can’t stop thinking about...

Finish this sentence and tell us what’s taking up most of your headspace right now. 🧠 Maybe it’s a recent conflict you had, something you’re looking forward to, current events or a persistent symptom. 💭

Whatever the case may be, please know we’re here to support you as you navigate whatever’s on your mind.🤝

#MightyMinute #MentalHealth #headspace #thursdaythoughts #Anxiety #Depression #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #Autism #Disability #ChronicIllness #RareDisease #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #onmymind #Cancer #Parenting

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Depression #onmymind

Sometimes I feel like I don't even understand myself.
I know I'm not okay but I don't know how express myself to everyone cause I know that will be judged.

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