outsider

I'm currently in a DBT group and feel just as much the odd one as when was with my ex-family of origin. I've been through some terrible times through the years and usually seem different than others in the same situation. I'm now thinking it's because I'm quiet BPD and I attack myself internally rather than attacking others. I look more put together on the outside so it feels like more is expected of me...just like in my childhood. Just because it doesn't show, doesn't mean that I'm not painfully struggling inside. #outsider #expectations

I made an appointment to see a psychologist, but that won’t be for another month. My medication was filled, but won’t get it until Wednesday. I don’t feel depressed, but I feel consistently empty. I feel like have a gaping hole in my chest at this very moment. I know I have people in my corner whenever I need them, but I feel like no one can really understand how I’m really feeling. I experience happy moments, but after these moments pass, I feel like a deflated balloon and I don’t want to be around anyone. Sometimes I want to take off without warning. Just to leave everything and everyone behind. After the sadness is over, or sometimes in the middle of it, I feel angry and frustrated. In the midst of the changing moods, the world around me seemed to shift, I kept feeling like something was pulling me away. Or maybe I’m withdrawing more than usual, either way, I feel like I’m out of the loop with the rest of the world. Having my inner world has brought me comfort in more ways than one, but when brought back to reality, I feel like an outsider. #MentalHealth #FeelingEmpty #Emptiness #Thoughts #identitydisturbance #frustrated #Sadness #Reality #outsider #numbness

I don't want to be 'ME' anymore.
I feel like a caged bird in my own mind & heart.

Ever since I was very young, my parents made decisions for me. I was diagnosed at 10yrs old with ADD & learning disabilities; (Central Auditory Processing Disorder & Discalula), so the need to compensate for my already evident daily challenges, my parents "took care of things" for me". To "help me" not make mistakes & provide a buffer in disappointments. This kind of "support" continued on into my teens & adulthood. When the need to start making my own decisions came into play, it all left me feeling very overwhelmed, confused and often asking others for approval & validation on making my own rational & wise decisions. The way my parents showed their "support & love" just set me up for a lifetime of failure & disappointments in myself. It ate at my self-esteem & abilities to be & feel responsible for myself. The yearning of being respected & valued for knowing how to make the "right" decisions for MY life has always hung over my head, yet out of reach. Even now, at 40 years old, I've been suddenly placed in a position to purchase a new, but used vehicle. I asked for some advice from my parents on what things I ought to do to prepare myself. Now, the advice that is often given, whether asked of them or not, is like a silent agreement to take & tollow their advice.  If I refuse to agree with them, their body language speaks volumes even though, they say "....but, you're right, it's your decision after all". It comes across as a passively-aggressive approach to getting me to do what THEY THINK is "only best for" me. So, no matter how hard I try to establish boundaries, how often I have tried to tell them that they need to let me make my own decisions even if it means me having to deal with the "consequences", most often than not, my feelings & decisions are discredited, not respected & ultimately sends me into the dark corners of my mind; I retract into that little girl in my childhood that was apparently unable to be responsible for herself.

My energy levels are depleted. My mind, body, feelings don't "really" matter. Unfortunately, it's not just my parents that evoke these feelings within. My younger brother & sister, both discredit my feelings & decisions on things. I have felt lke an outsider in my own family. This has been the revolving door throughout my life & I want off of this not-so-Merry go-round. I should have never been born.

#outsider #aloneinthedark #timetopurge #Depression #lifeless #sadmigraines #selfloathing #unworthy #Decisions #iwantout