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Still the odd one even in DBT

I'm currently in a DBT group and feel just as much the odd one as when was with my ex-family of origin. I've been through some terrible times through the years and usually seem different than others in the same situation. I'm now thinking it's because I'm quiet BPD and I attack myself internally rather than attacking others. I look more put together on the outside so it feels like more is expected of me...just like in my childhood. Just because it doesn't show, doesn't mean that I'm not painfully struggling inside. #outsider #expectations

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Why? Do I expect too much? #expectations #ChronicDepression

It seems like the matters of the day keep me dodging blows for a long time.
Then, a good thing happens and lessens my fading hope. Somehow, the good things don't last very long before another blow comes out of the blue to put me back down ,where I was before.
I don't have to DO anything for these changes to come around.

Even my therapist says I seem to have a large number of challenges when I compare the number of other people.
So, When and Why can I hope for a quieter life?
Anyone else frustrated with stuff like this?

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I'm super scared. I really am looking forward to all of these things, but I feel so anxious.
I'm basically going to move out (student dormitory, only at home on holidays) and I'm going to visit a new school (that's the reason I'm moving). That means:
-I will have more dance classes with completly new dance teachers in new studios with new dance classmates
-new schoolbuilding&rooms
-new teachers
-new classmates
-new living place
-new living area
-new town
-new people everywhere
-new town
-new responsibilities, like beeing completly alone responsible for cleaning, feeding myself, doing the groceries, financial organisation, ...
-working for my mental wellbeing (starting therapy for the first time)
And I don't like changes. Some people maybe wouldn't believe this because I'm very flexible. But I'm still really not into the idea of changes (this confuses myself).
Some of those changes are great, for example it means a way less stimulating environment (small town instead of a big city). But it still means new enviroment. I'm also super scared of failing. I could just... not living up to the expectations of
... somebody, I guess? I don't even know, I mean, they could be just my own expectations but I don't think that I have high expectations onto myself. Or do I?
#expectations #movingout #changes #anxious #SelfDoubt #overwhelmed


Why is it so hard not to think or say the dreaded "S" word? ... "should" #expectations #MentalHealth

It's been brought to my attention... more like plastered on a billboard with flashing neon lights strapped to my forehead, that much of my downward spirals into despair begin at the very moment when I think or say "should."

"Should" sets up this realm of expectation that only I know about. These visions and ideas of how things "should" be. How I "should" be as a mother and a wife. What my life "should" look like by now at 31.

But not only does the word "Should" usually generate an unrealistic view or expectation, but it also implies that I have failed, fallen short, or been disappointed by others who have failed me or fallen short of my standards.

It's then that the downward spiral of guilt, sadness, self shaming, doubt, grief, hopelessness and feelings of failure take over me. My thoughts about all the ways I have/others have, failed me and soon after I fall into a pit of "never" land.

Because things are not how I think they "should" be, it means they will most likely "never" meet those expectations. The negative self talk and the loathing of my inner and outer self take hold of me, strangling me until I can no longer breathe.

And then, I'm at the edge of the cliff, ready to just do it. Take the plunge. Get it over with because what's the point of continuing when nothing will ever be as I have determined it "should" be.

Nothing short of a slight breeze will push me over the edge and then it will be all over with.

But what if instead of "should" , I replace it with "would like it (if/to be..) " then it is no longer about these definite constraints that must be met in order to attain my false perception of happiness.

Instead, those constraints are erased and I am free to choose how I'd like my life to be and work towards those goals, which may bend and change with time and ... life. I'm free to be flexible and forgiving not just of myself but of others as well.

I give myself room to grow, make mistakes, figure out what works and what doesn't work. I can learn to be patient with myself and be okay with exactly where myself or others are at that moment in life.

I can just look around and say, "I would like for XYZ" to be a certain way. It may or may not happen but only time can tell."

If you read this rant all the way through... thank you. This is me just dumping out my thoughts here after a literal verbal explosion of emotions on my husband this morning after coming to the realization that I am so empty and depleted and lonely in this marriage because I have a vision of or expect him to be a certain way.

We should be best friends who talk to one another about everything.

He should be able to open up to me but he never does. I never know anything about what is on his mind. I am completely shut out of his world because we just can't relate to one another anymore. And to me... that is not how my marriage "should " be.

So, I kicked "should" out, expressed how I wished things could be, and let go.


Heading downhill from #triggers

New meds make me nauseous but I have to adjust and adapt as we decrease the old and increase the new every 14 days for 8 weeks minimum.

Lack of support from those who I need it most from has me reeling and spiraling downward. Teenagers are either responding to my #MDD and #Anxiety or their own or being just that, #teenagers .

My own #insecurities about #Love , #Marriage , and #Relationships just keep #resurfacing . #Divorce seems like my best solution but do I follow my #yellowbrickroad and ignore the #talkofthetown (my mom-my biggest critic, my in-laws, etc)?

Why does having #malefriends make it so much more difficult? Everyone expects relationships that may or may not develop, can't I just get through this 1st? #expectations suck!

1 comment

You don’t have to be a fighter.

Often people with chronic or mental illness are labeled “fighters.” That word is a big expectation. Many days, I am not fighting. I am just surviving. I do not have it in me to fight all the time. My survival rate thus far is 100% so I’d rather be a called survivor than a fighter. #Survivor #expectations #Mentalillnessfeelslike


When you feel so weak/afraid/paralyzed/bored/stuck/depressed that you know you are letting your loved ones down

Sorry for the long tittle lol
My depression comes and goes. The anxiety is always lurking. But when they both are real bad, I realize that I am not living up to my expectations muchless my loved ones expectations. What do I mean by that? Well part of the reason I don't think i'll ever have a child is because I struggle leaving the house. How could I be a good mom that can't leave the house?
It makes me feel like a failure sometimes to read about woman and moms that can seem to juggle jobs, kids, a wife/husband, pets, and whatever else that I would consider big things (like leaving the house alone) just small stepping stones for them. Does anyone else feel like this?
Like you can't be who you are supposed to be because of a mental illness? And your letting everyone down, but there is nothing you can do but possibly push them away?
#Anxietys #expectations #Agoraphobia #MajorDepressiveDisorder #skinpicking #ObsessiveCompulsiveandRelatedDisorders #whycantijustbenormal #INFP