rejection sensitivity dysphoria

“What’s wrong?” Is a question that really irks me. When I’m feeling down and depressed, this is the last thing that I want to hear. This is most often the case. It triggers me to breakdown the barriers and release a flood of emotions. I don’t enjoy sharing an autistic meltdown in public. However, it is an emotional set-off that I can’t seem to control.

When I feel pressured to answer, I just simply say, “nope, nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.” However, once I say that, I need to retreat to a quiet space. I need to let out the pent up feelings and emotions that I’ve bottled up for so long. Yes, this question is something that people should appreciate. It means that the other person genuinely cares how I’m doing. I just can’t seem to shake off the irritation from hearing those words. It’s like, nothing was wrong until you mentioned it.

The reason I react the way that I do is because everything always seems wrong in my world. When I’m in a major depressive state of mind, that is a question that holds a lot of weight. I often hold everything in. I keep suppressing my feelings until they reach the edges. I’m about ready to fall off the cliff. For years, I’ve done this. I know it isn’t healthy. It isn’t proper self-care, but I can’t help it. There is something within me that hurts immensely deep down. Perhaps there is a lot of compartmentalized situations I’ve yet to deal with. I’m just trying my best to navigate this.

But, how does one change something that has become so much of a natural reaction? I just want to yell, scream, and run. I try my best to numb it out. As I had mentioned, it is a trigger. It’s innate for me to react in ways that are detrimental to the other person. I suppose it’s because I feel a form of judgment or rejection. This situation is an embarrassment to me, and the other person.

I understand that the intention comes from a good place. However, for me, it causes overwhelming anxiety. For someone like me, it doesn’t offer a safe environment to open up and be vulnerable. It instead creates a hostility and discomfort within myself. It certainly is a process, but I’m working on handling these restless and intentional feelings.

So, if you find yourself wanting to ask someone like me what’s wrong, consider a different approach. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

“Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.” —Mandy Hale

#MentalHealth #ADHD #ADHDInGirls #rejection sensitivity dysphoria #AutismSpectrumDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #Depression