I was so sad not having heard from my friend since last week. I got so happy seeing her text I cried a bit and now I’m sharing that here . Is that normal. We are not romantically involved with each other yet I often find myself looking for her to text . #ChronicPain #Depression #sad #PTSD
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Hello I done something that bothers me , I sent 15 years drug an alcohol free aside from prescription meds . 5 months ago I had a beer and since have made a habit of stopping for dinner an a drink at a bar an grill always 2-4 beers food an home . Last night I had like a six pack and came home then I saw a fire next door and started talking to the tenants there who I thought were buying turns out the just rent an passing through. What mad me feel only is I asked them to roll a joint , they tried an so I only asked cause I was drunk and wanted to hangout with others . But I left home even though they invited me to go over .
This morning I woke an have felt ashamed all day I didn’t even leave my house till it was dark to get groceries. I feel so ugly inside for doing that , my plan is to stop alcohol consumption again being I’m not controlling myself while on it . And I just don’t know what to say to my neighbors now I want to apologize but am self conscious to go do that . #Depression #ChronicPain #MentalIllness #sad #Trauma
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I’ll move out of this country entirely and never come back… I hate the US with a passion more than ever now. Extremely disappointed, as an American myself. I’ve lost all faith for this country. I honestly wish I wasn’t American.
#sad #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutismSpectrum #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #OSTD #Furious #LGBTQIA #ScrewTrump
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When my daughter was little we had a bedtime routine. We'd cuddle with our plushies and watch a Disney movie together. One night when the movie was starting she said "mommy, we need to talk". I thought I was in trouble but she said it was very important. She scooted close to me and put her arm around me. She said "you're very handsome. Mommies aren't supposed to be handsome, they're supposed to be beautiful. But that's ok because you're a good person and I love you. I don't know why Daddy says you're a freak."
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One day I said to my daughter "let's go hunting for fairies" and she said "fairies don't exist and magic isn't real. Daddy says so." I replied "anything good can exist if you believe with your whole heart". She decided to go look in the backyard by the rocks. 10 minutes later she came running, shouting "mommy Mommy I found magic!" She opened her hands and showed me a plain grey rock. I said " nice job .." but she said "no, there's more!" And she turned over the rock to reveal crystals! She found a geode!
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I want someone else to make me a grilled cheese sandwich with butternut squash soup. I feel incredibly depressed and sad. It's mostly from cabin fever. I haven't gotten out for an adventure since September 7th. I've gone to cooking class but that doesn't count. I want to get out with my caregiver for bubble tea and dinner. Then I want to come home and cuddle while we watch TV. I just really want to spend quality time with her.
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I've decided not to make dinner tonight. I just feel really down and sad. I'm craving baked Brie with fig jam and prosciutto in puff pastry. It's so decadent. I didn't take my butter out of the fridge so it could soften for grilled cheese sandwiches. And I don't have anything thawed out for dinner. My caregiver said she'd make herself some oatmeal. She said she'd clean the kitchen tonight. It's really bad. I asked her if we could go out on Sunday for a date day and she said we could go to the flea market that's 8 minutes from my apartment. I said I was really craving bubble tea cuz the store I wanted to go to is nextdoor to my favorite bubble tea shop. I'm really disappointed. We haven't gone out together in over 5 months. I just wanted to have fun.
1 reaction Why does the US government have to be so… ugh. My anxiety is a disability, and they don’t see it. Will I ever get my disability benefits? Should I just give up? This is the 3rd time, and I’m so freaking sick of having to explain to them that I’m non-binary for the 50th time. I poured all of my heart out about why I can’t work (reasons in the last post), and yet the judge has made the decision that it wasn’t enough and decided to take away the disability payments I was having for 3 months. My struggles aren’t enough. Would filing for another appeal for the 4th time be a waste of time at this point? Should I just give up? I’m so mad…
#hopeless #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MYANXIETYISADISABILITY #ICantWork #unfair #sad #mad #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #FeelingUnseen
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Honestly, what the FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING WORK! What is it that they can’t seem to understand?! My anxiety is a disability, damn it!!!
It’s been 3 FUCKING TIMES ALREADY, 2 FUCKING APPEALS, and I POORED ALL OF MY FUCKING HEART OUT ABOUT WHY I CANNOT FUCKING WORK, THE EMOTIONAL TRAUMA, THE EPISODES OF DEPRESSION, THE FUCKING HYGIENE ISSUES, MY SEVERE SOCIAL GENDER DYSPHORIA AS A NON-BINARY INDIVIDUAL AND AVOIDING MOST SOCIAL SITUATIONS OUT OF THE PURE FEAR OF BEING MISGENDERED, HATE BEING UNDER PRESSURE, HAVING MANY TRIGGERS! I was receiving payment for 3 fucking months, and NOW they’ve decided that my FUCKING STRUGGLES AREN’T ENOUGH?!?!
Honestly fuck everything. I feel like I’ll just never be truly seen by this US government. I’ve only just wasted my fucking time with them, and so really don’t feel like HAVING TO EXPLAIN TO THEM FOR THE 50TH TIME THAT I’M NOT MY BIRTH GENDER AND I AM NOT A BINARY GENDER!
#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MYANXIETYISADISABILITY #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #FeelingIgnored #thissucks #Trauma #angry #disappointment #LGBTQ #Loneliness #sad #Vent #venting
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Sometimes I have to remind myself of what it means to be #happy and to understand what it means when I feel #sad - these extremes! I am finding it #difficult to find a job, keep a job, and #Grow within the #Job and develop a #Career .
Are you #struggling too?
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In a lurid attempt to find myself again, I have decided to write. I claim to have started over and so I have. What exactly does that mean for me as a person/single woman/individual?
I honestly thought it meant picking up the pieces of who I was before my divorce and continuing on that career path. However, things have changed in 14 years. Things have changed dramatically.
After conferring with former colleagues I have found the scene of academia as hostile as ever. It is not only hostile for those of us that struggle with mental health but for minorities in STEM in general.
In an attempt to recoup my financial losses, I have decided to enter the field of data science. It is a much more lucrative career choice and continuously challenges my mind. However, the market is saturated, and I am struggling to find a profitable niche. I would like to help people somehow using clinical data. However, I find my spirit dwindling.
My once young fire and zeal for humanity destroyed by the events plaguing the daily news that I refuse to hear or read anymore. I once wanted to save the world. Now I only seek to save my sanity, my happiness, and my family from financial ruin and poverty. This requires me to close my heart and only think of numbers, statistics and realistic approaches to re-entering the workforce.
I feel humanity no longer cares for itself and division, disease and death are everywhere. This is not the America I was once proud to call home. It sickens me that the evolutionary phrase “survival of the fittest” now applies in almost every part of day-to-day life. It sickens me that I am one that is not fit to survive because my spirit dies slowly inside. I pray that I will be strong enough to survive the waves of oppression long enough to do my best as a decent human being. In the meantime, I wake, walk and talk like everyone else. However, inside I feel like the walking dead. My dreams, my spirit, my plans will probably not come to fruition in this life. So, I comfort myself by saying, “Maybe in the next life.” All the while I am hoping rebirth will somehow come in this life.
Image credit: Image credit: ESA/Hubble & NASA, Acknowledgement: Matej Novak
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