Therapy

I have so many feelings today. My life is equal parts peace and chaos right now.

I am currently one of five caretakers to a dying elder. She’s my friend, adopted mom in Ohio, since my own is in Texas. Technically, she’s my daughter in laws grandmother but my heart doesn’t care or know the difference. She’s family, and I love her.

She was diagnosed with cancer in August of last year. She started hospice last week. Small cell lung cancer which has metastasized to her brain, bones, etc. We thought we were going to lose her last week after she contracted a stomach bug, but she made her way back.

I don’t know if this is her “rally” or if she’s just bouncing back for a rally later down the line. All I know is we don’t have much more time. I just want her to make it to her birthday weekend in ten days, so she can see her sister who’s flying in and be with all her family in the nice weather. That’s my final wish for her.

I’ve never actively been involved in a human’s dying process, but as a widow, I am a close personal friend of death and grief. I’ve had so much practice it’s almost funny. Almost.

I’ve been reading a book by Suzanne O’Brien (former oncology, hospice nurse turned author and creator of Doulagivers Institute) called The Good Death. Hoping it will help support me and help me navigate uncharted territory while offering support to both her and her family. It’s been helpful and eye opening. Practical and comforting.

In the meantime, a friend of mine posted about watching a show (based on a true story) called “Dying for Sex” on Hulu. I actually had it on my playlist to watch. When she posed the questions about sharing what we thought after watching it, that prompted me to bump it up on my watch list.

Last night after a twelve-hour sitting, (while working my regular day job, remotely) I was struggling with winding down. I decided it was a good time to watch the show. Of course I binged it until the wee hours, because it’s that good. Seriously.

This is what I wrote her as my “feedback” about the show.

“I don't know if I even have proper adjectives available to explain the profoundness of this show. The million taboo and raging topics it slashed through or the generations of emotions I am still going through but, Wow! As I am in the middle of taking care of my “Ohio” momma & friend who is currently in hospice with bone cancer, just Wow! I'm healing and being broken and angry and sad and joyful and contracted and expanded all at once. It wasn't a show. It was my life....so many of our lives... crashing together against the stars.” - I will never be the same.

Watch it., so you'll never be the same either. #Cancer #Caregiver #Death #Therapy #Grief

I slept till about 9am and I feel pretty good right now. The only thing that hurts is my tummy. I've got therapy today at 3pm. I'm gonna have my partner join me. My therapist doesn't know we're back together. I sent him a journal prompt page last night. We'll go over it today. I'm pretty sure he'll be happy for us. He said she and I are lucky to have each other.

#MentalHealth #Therapy #Caregiving

My caregiver and I did a couples check in last night. I emailed it to my therapist. We went over the answers together today. It was a good set of journal prompts. My therapist thinks we're really good for each other. Our relationship has been growing and it's healthy. We take excellent care of each other. I told him about how she's been doing so much better and stepping up to take care of me when my pain is unbearable. And he was really happy to hear that we actually finally cuddled! We've been talking about wanting to cuddle for months. So he was very glad and proud of us. I am proud of us too!

#MentalHealth #Therapy #Caregiving #BackPain

I have 2 cans of GF cream soup. I'm gonna mix it with minced garlic and onion soup mix and smother some chicken. I'm also going to make some roasted sweet potatoes. I think it'll be a nice dinner. It's gonna be very flavorful and tender.

After dinner my caregiver and I are going to work on some journal prompts to email to my therapist for tomorrow evening. They're a mid year reflection. I posted it in my self discovery workshop. I want her to join me for therapy this coming Thursday. I was hoping we could do a group session once per month. My therapist said it's a good idea. Just gotta get my caregiver to agree. But that's easy enough.

#foodieadventures #MentalHealth #Therapy #CouplesTherapy #Caregiving

We talked about how I have ORD (olfactory reference disorder). I've never told him about it cuz it's very embarrassing. But he was very understanding and empathetic. We talked about my plans for the weekend. I'm either going to go to the cider mill or to Rust belt for shopping for a special candle and bubble tea. Rust belt is one of my favorite shops to browse. It's in the same shopping center as a really nice LGBT resource center. I think, whatever we do, we're gonna have a good time. My caregiver says she wants to spend more time with me and I want to go on adventures with her. My therapist said he hopes my weekend goes well.

I'm gonna work on some journal prompts this weekend for therapy on Monday. I have a few lists of good journal prompts.

My therapist asked me what kind of music I have been listening to and I told him I've been listening to Avicii. He said he really enjoys his music and we both said we were upset when he died. It's really powerful music.

He asked me if I have plans for the rest of the day. I told him I'm making grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner tonight. He said it sounds so comforting. He asked me how I like to eat grilled cheese and I told him I prefer adding bacon and tomato and dipping it in ranch dressing. I'm weird.

He asked me how my pain level has been this week. I told him it's been pretty bad lately. But the tramadol has been helping. Luckily my PCP is ok refilling that script. He asked me if I've been having migraines and I told him I've had one every day since Monday.

I really appreciate my therapist. We've been working together for 7 years. He's seen me at my worst and my best. He's so proud of my progress. I'm very proud of myself too. We've been doing 2 sessions per week for almost 2 years now. It's been really good.

#MentalHealth #Therapy #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #CheckInWithMe

...And it shouldn't be.

In a world where some people would be happy to see everything operated by a computer, it is a reality that not everything can, or even should be.

I've seen a number of stories in the past couple of years about the attempts to create AI therapists. There was even a story discussing an unethical situation that involved a company pairing people with AI therapists, without their knowledge, in order to test their model. The result of this was that, within a few months, everyone paired with an AI therapist ended up leaving their "therapy", purely sensing that something was off about the interactions they were having with, as it turns out, a computer program and not a person.

While there are a whole host of problems with the idea of AI providing therapy, one that will not be able to be overcome is the issue of empathy.

Why is empathy such a deal-breaker?

Empathy arguably plays one of the most important (if not, the most important) role in how people connect. And when I say empathy, I'm not simply referring to empathic comments, such as, "It sounds like you've had a stressful day." One can make empathic comments without them actually coming from a place of empathy. And one can also relay empathy without having to make empathic-sounding comments.

Actual empathy comes from a deeper, often unconscious place within ourselves that can only be experienced between two people, whether or not words are even spoken. This is an important piece -- words are not needed to relay empathy.

Empty Words

Words, without the underlying empathic sentiment, are generally experienced by the other as empty, or void of emotion, and usually will not be able to be taken in or land appropriately, if at all. Imagine a moment in your life where someone has made an empathic sounding comment, but that you felt within yourself was not actually connected to the real emotion, or felt misaligned. In these moments, it can feel uncomfortable, dissonant, or even like you're being manipulated. The feeling is off, it's not a good feeling, it makes people squirm and want to turn away.

While words are, of course, important to some degree, it is the underlying empathy that lays the foundation for the words to land. Empathic communication is often unconscious and unspoken, not only in therapy but also between people in life. Underlying (unspoken) empathy is instrumental in how we hear, how we take in, how we sit with, and how we form a genuine connection with another person.

Empathy is a human phenomenon

With this in mind, it is just not possible for a computer program to relay empathy. Empathy is a phenomenon that is created between two humans interacting in a shared space together. This happens whether in-person or virtually. As long as there are two people interacting in real time, empathy has room to exist. (However, it does not work the same with text or email, which is why people often misinterpret the tone of written communication. The other isn't there to detect the underlying emotion and they end up projecting their own experiences in these moments.).

If you are interacting with another person, some sort of underlying empathy or regard is at play, even if you don't always consciously acknowledge or tune into it. Even if there are no spoken words. If you are attempting to interact with AI and no words are spoken, there is nothing.

Even if AI were to speak to you and use empathic-sounding recordings of human voices, it still cannot create and relay empathy. Why? Because even an empathic human voice recording wouldn't be connecting with you in your subjective space. It cannot create a deeper, unspoken connection with where you are emotionally, mentally, or physiologically. The responses of a recording would be coming from a disconnected place (or it would be coming from a moment of connection with someone else when the recording was created), and that disconnect would be felt, even unconsciously. Even if it were possible to be "fooled" at first, this would erode as the inconsistencies in connectivity and lack of true emotion were to be experienced.

(I should also point out that it's utterly impossible for AI to provide therapy. A great deal of therapy is based on the experience of the shared space between the client and the therapist. AI can't truly have this experience).

Is AI "therapy" more harmful than good?

There is also a greater danger with AI "therapy" which one should consider. If you're attempting to create a connection to a computer program for an emotionally-based experience, there are potentially drastic consequences to your mental health being set up. Empathy is the cornerstone of how one develops emotionally, from infancy and childhood and even through adulthood. This involves not only how your parents (or others) talk to you, but how they feel towards you. When there is little underlying empathy or attunement from parents or caretakers growing up, this opens up a range of potential mental health issues, from anxiety or depression to even more severe issues such as antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy), and others.

If you're engaging in a pseudo-therapy with an AI computer program, the result is more likely to distort (or even mute) your own empathy and your ability to connect with others, as well as to potentially disconnect you internally from yourself. Even with a therapist who speaks less often, there is always an underlying feeling, empathy, regard for you. This silent, yet still highly empathic communication is crucial to not only the developing child in the world from their parents, but also to any human experience, which includes the therapy experience. So even a less talkative therapist can still relay a great deal of empathy.

Finding genuine support

In the end, an AI "therapy" program can make pre-determined comments. It can sound supportive on the surface. It may offer a coping skill. But these are merely algorithmic responses to words, or even possibly a tone or other "markers" that sets off a pre-programmed response. But it cannot truly know or feel you, or understand or "get" you, or be able to have the vast experience of a seasoned therapist who can discern between what someone else may need in a moment, versus what you personally may need that differs in a very similar situation. While empathy is not the only piece to consider in why AI "therapy" should never happen, without the ability to truly have empathy the entire rug is pulled out from under a therapy -- or any relationship for that matter.

#Therapy #MentalHealth #Counseling #Depression #Anxiety