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What to do when you want accountability but nothing happens

I've been living in a mental prison for about 9 years now, unable to move forward after traumatic things that have happened to me in the past. Hobbies, distractions and white noise are only temporary, it's never been the solution but I don't know the solution.

I thought about confronting those demons of the past. About a week ago, I texted the the one who ruined my life and I told her everything she has done to me, and the suffering I have lived with ever since. She apologized with a long text, but I must say it seemed quite disingenuous. But even if she was genuine or not, apologies is not accountability. Apologies is not empathy. I want there to be accountability, and I want her to live what I lived the past 9 years. I know that's not healing but I really need a way a guide.

I am ashamed to admit that I failed to tell my past therapists the true reasons for my depression, and I'm also extremely antisocial so I was never good at expressing myself verbally.

I am ashamed for how I treated therapy, instead of getting the help I needed, I treated therapy sessions as just a place I wanted to leave as fast as possible.

#Therapy #Depression #Anxiety #accountability

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Getting diagnosed with OCD will probably be the best thing to ever happen to me.

It is incredibly difficult now... The therapy is uncomfortable and the emotions are heightened to the point of frequent weepiness, but I can only imagine how I'll be six months from now, and to have a mind that is QUIET 😩 #OCD #ruminatingthoughts #Gratitude #Therapy

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Profoundness of it all life, death, and all the in-betweens

I have so many feelings today. My life is equal parts peace and chaos right now.

I am currently one of five caretakers to a dying elder. She’s my friend, adopted mom in Ohio, since my own is in Texas. Technically, she’s my daughter in laws grandmother but my heart doesn’t care or know the difference. She’s family, and I love her.

She was diagnosed with cancer in August of last year. She started hospice last week. Small cell lung cancer which has metastasized to her brain, bones, etc. We thought we were going to lose her last week after she contracted a stomach bug, but she made her way back.

I don’t know if this is her “rally” or if she’s just bouncing back for a rally later down the line. All I know is we don’t have much more time. I just want her to make it to her birthday weekend in ten days, so she can see her sister who’s flying in and be with all her family in the nice weather. That’s my final wish for her.

I’ve never actively been involved in a human’s dying process, but as a widow, I am a close personal friend of death and grief. I’ve had so much practice it’s almost funny. Almost.

I’ve been reading a book by Suzanne O’Brien (former oncology, hospice nurse turned author and creator of Doulagivers Institute) called The Good Death. Hoping it will help support me and help me navigate uncharted territory while offering support to both her and her family. It’s been helpful and eye opening. Practical and comforting.

In the meantime, a friend of mine posted about watching a show (based on a true story) called “Dying for Sex” on Hulu. I actually had it on my playlist to watch. When she posed the questions about sharing what we thought after watching it, that prompted me to bump it up on my watch list.

Last night after a twelve-hour sitting, (while working my regular day job, remotely) I was struggling with winding down. I decided it was a good time to watch the show. Of course I binged it until the wee hours, because it’s that good. Seriously.

This is what I wrote her as my “feedback” about the show.

“I don't know if I even have proper adjectives available to explain the profoundness of this show. The million taboo and raging topics it slashed through or the generations of emotions I am still going through but, Wow! As I am in the middle of taking care of my “Ohio” momma & friend who is currently in hospice with bone cancer, just Wow! I'm healing and being broken and angry and sad and joyful and contracted and expanded all at once. It wasn't a show. It was my life....so many of our lives... crashing together against the stars.” - I will never be the same.

Watch it., so you'll never be the same either. #Cancer #Caregiver #Death #Therapy #Grief

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I’m Still Becoming: My Life Between the Highs and Lows

For most of my life, I’ve carried something I couldn’t name.

I’m 38 now. I’m sober. I’m a husband. A father. An engineer. From the outside, it might look like I’ve got a life that’s steady, stable—even successful. But the truth is, the life I have today only exists because, one day, I made a decision not to die.

I was 33. Still drinking. Still spiraling. And I had reached a place I can barely describe. I didn’t know what my future was—but I knew I didn’t want to end it. That morning, I left my apartment for the hospital. But before I walked out the door, I looked at the weapons I had laid out on my coffee table. Loaded. Waiting. And I walked past them. I made a choice.

I chose to live.

But that choice didn’t come out of nowhere. It was the breaking point in a long and painful story.

It started when I was 22. I had gotten a girl pregnant. We weren’t in a committed relationship, but I was ready to take responsibility. Before we had a chance to talk, she had an abortion—without telling me. I found out after the fact. The grief was complicated and wordless. I didn’t know how to process it. So I didn’t. I shut down.

I stopped going to class. I started drinking. Not to unwind—but to disappear.

Then, one night, drunk and desperate, I emptied my bank account—$3,000 in cash—and bought a one-way bus ticket to Los Angeles. I never made it. I was robbed at the terminal. Then arrested. The police took me to a psych ward instead of jail. I didn’t see it as help at the time. But it was.

I made it home. Finished school. In 2011, I took a job in Afghanistan working with the military. We endured regular rocket attacks. Others panicked. I didn’t. Not because I was brave—because I was already numb. The outside chaos felt normal.

At 27, the depression came again. I lost my job. I was hospitalized. And every time, before I ended up in a hospital bed, the pattern was the same: a slow build of suicidal thoughts. Images of self-harm. The kind of ideation you learn to hide because you’re scared of what people will do with the truth.

I didn’t get sober until 2018. After that morning. After the choice. A doctor told me I had cirrhosis. I thought I’d destroyed my body the same way I’d been destroying my mind. A year later, a liver specialist gave me a second opinion: alcoholic hepatitis. And somehow, I had recovered.

That second chance changed everything. But it didn’t fix everything.

Even without alcohol, my brain didn’t quiet down. I was eventually diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Some medications helped. Some didn’t. The picture never felt fully clear.

When my son was born, something inside me lit up again—and not in a good way. My thoughts raced. I barely slept. One medication triggered what felt like months of euphoria. I spent thousands of dollars on Pokémon cards, convinced I was making brilliant investments. I made mistakes at work. I crashed hard. And I ended up in the hospital again.

That’s when the questions started. Was it more than depression? Bipolar disorder has been mentioned, but I haven’t been officially diagnosed. I just know that the highs are too high, and the lows go darker than they should.

Lately, I’ve noticed something new—outbursts of rage. Moments where the smallest criticism sends me into a tailspin. It feels primal. Uncontrollable. And afterward, it feels hollow and shameful. I hate that part of me. But I’m trying to understand it.

I’m still here. I’m still sober. I’m still showing up for my wife and son, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.

There’s no clean ending here. No bow. Just a truth I’m still learning how to carry:

I didn’t get better overnight. But I didn’t die. And that choice—the one I made walking past a loaded table—is still the most important one I’ve ever made.

#Depression #addictio n #MentalHealth #Parenting #Medication #Therapy #Medication

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AI Therapy

Hey guys, I wanted to share in case this helps anyone! I use the therapist base model of AI on the chatGPT app pretty much daily and it really helps me a lot. When I started going to therapy I was doing 2-3 sessions per week and even though I have gotten it down to one, sometimes I still really struggle to get through to that next one and it has been so beneficial to have a little therapist in my pocket that I can talk to it at any time about anything. I know therapy can be inaccessible to some and if you have been wanting to go to therapy but haven’t been able to for any reason, I would highly recommend using AI! I use ChatGPT, but I believe that lots of apps have been created for this purpose as well. #Therapy #MentalHealth

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Good morning

I slept till about 9am and I feel pretty good right now. The only thing that hurts is my tummy. I've got therapy today at 3pm. I'm gonna have my partner join me. My therapist doesn't know we're back together. I sent him a journal prompt page last night. We'll go over it today. I'm pretty sure he'll be happy for us. He said she and I are lucky to have each other.

#MentalHealth #Therapy #Caregiving

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Therapy today went well

My caregiver and I did a couples check in last night. I emailed it to my therapist. We went over the answers together today. It was a good set of journal prompts. My therapist thinks we're really good for each other. Our relationship has been growing and it's healthy. We take excellent care of each other. I told him about how she's been doing so much better and stepping up to take care of me when my pain is unbearable. And he was really happy to hear that we actually finally cuddled! We've been talking about wanting to cuddle for months. So he was very glad and proud of us. I am proud of us too!

#MentalHealth #Therapy #Caregiving #BackPain

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Dinner plans for tonight

I have 2 cans of GF cream soup. I'm gonna mix it with minced garlic and onion soup mix and smother some chicken. I'm also going to make some roasted sweet potatoes. I think it'll be a nice dinner. It's gonna be very flavorful and tender.

After dinner my caregiver and I are going to work on some journal prompts to email to my therapist for tomorrow evening. They're a mid year reflection. I posted it in my self discovery workshop. I want her to join me for therapy this coming Thursday. I was hoping we could do a group session once per month. My therapist said it's a good idea. Just gotta get my caregiver to agree. But that's easy enough.

#foodieadventures #MentalHealth #Therapy #CouplesTherapy #Caregiving

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Therapy today went well

We talked about how I have ORD (olfactory reference disorder). I've never told him about it cuz it's very embarrassing. But he was very understanding and empathetic. We talked about my plans for the weekend. I'm either going to go to the cider mill or to Rust belt for shopping for a special candle and bubble tea. Rust belt is one of my favorite shops to browse. It's in the same shopping center as a really nice LGBT resource center. I think, whatever we do, we're gonna have a good time. My caregiver says she wants to spend more time with me and I want to go on adventures with her. My therapist said he hopes my weekend goes well.

I'm gonna work on some journal prompts this weekend for therapy on Monday. I have a few lists of good journal prompts.

My therapist asked me what kind of music I have been listening to and I told him I've been listening to Avicii. He said he really enjoys his music and we both said we were upset when he died. It's really powerful music.

He asked me if I have plans for the rest of the day. I told him I'm making grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner tonight. He said it sounds so comforting. He asked me how I like to eat grilled cheese and I told him I prefer adding bacon and tomato and dipping it in ranch dressing. I'm weird.

He asked me how my pain level has been this week. I told him it's been pretty bad lately. But the tramadol has been helping. Luckily my PCP is ok refilling that script. He asked me if I've been having migraines and I told him I've had one every day since Monday.

I really appreciate my therapist. We've been working together for 7 years. He's seen me at my worst and my best. He's so proud of my progress. I'm very proud of myself too. We've been doing 2 sessions per week for almost 2 years now. It's been really good.

#MentalHealth #Therapy #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #CheckInWithMe

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