Being someone who has been gung ho for my mental health over the past three years I thought I would be prepared for 2020. I was incorrect. The constant bombarding of information regarding the state of the world has been over whelming. Everything was good until we started the first lockdown. I'm usually a home body I don't mind staying in the house so the lockdown was pretty easy (Thank you borderlands boundless imagination and animal crossing). Next my job cut my hours and walking home was a nightmare. I work at a certain taco franchise that loves staying open late for my fellow stoners. I was "lucky" to still be on the schedule they cut so much. Customers started becoming evil and thanks to the curfew cops harassed me on my walk home almost every night demanding my essential workers papers. A few well placed tragedies later everything seems to send me into a state. I've been drifting between emotional states randomly and I can't seem to stop, when I try to relax my body feels restless and then the restlessness turns into anxiety. "What are we forgetting?" " what needs to be done?" " We need to beg for more hours" " were gonna drift too far behind if this keeps up?" "We can't afford to be laying down?".. the voices on a constant loop in my head .. the two minutes I wanted to take to relax felt like hours under the torture of my internal voices. Heeding their word I start to move. I clean the house, then catch up on the news, I apply to as many jobs as I can before it frustrates me, I notice my appearance and adjust it as if I needed a makeover. Only 4 hours go by and I've been productively #Unproductive . When I finish and sit back down here come the voices again. "Move we need to do more?" "Do you think we accomplished anything?" "We're still in the same situation as before what have you changed?"... I shake my leg to tune it out. I even put music in my ears to dull the sound. I began this state months ago and now I'm at the point where nothing's gonna help. Today my co-workers brought up the fact that I said "I want to die" or "kill me" about 20 times today. I didn't even notice I said it once. One of my biggest fears is for my life to become mundane and meaningless and even though 2020 has been FAR from mundane I do feel like my life has been meaningless. The lack of breathing room in multiple parts of my life is breaking me. I was walking home from work tonight and in the silence of the walk i began to slip into the abyss. #Sadness , #Worthlessness , #Fear , #Pain , #anger , they all flooded over me, every time I tried to get rid of one by redirection and even #Mindfulness it was replaced by another "negative" emotion. I've been going through this for weeks and I just want it to stop. I want to have hope for myself again. I don't want waking up in the morning after stressing all night. I just want to make sure I can pay my bills. I want to feel like I'm not #Suffocating . Please someone tell me im not alone . #Depression #SuicidalThoughts
I used to be able to finish work on time. But lately, I’ve been very unproductive. I am a freelance writer and if I don’t work, I won’t be earning anything.
My shrink said that this is part of my depression. But my question is, is it still part of depression if my unproductiveness only happens at home? Since I get to work whenever I go to a coffee shop. #Depression #Anxiety #Unproductive