The joke's on me!
My wife was moaning about a friend who had bought glasses for five hundred pounds. I said I quite liked the left and right indicators at the sides, so people would know which way they were turning
When Henry the eighth gave a description to the police of his missing wife, he said his earlier description was a little inaccurate as he was sure she was now a good head shorter than last time that he’d seen her
I wanted to join the fire brigade but I decided that there was just too much arson about
I’m so useless that in a one man race, I would still come second
Ernest Hemmingway has written a follow up to A Farewell To Arms. It’s about a man who clears minefields and is called a Farewell to Legs.
'Hoy! Why did you throw a brick through our window and scratch the car? ''Oh I'm sorry! I've got Alzheimers and hate someone but I have forgotten who.'
I was talking to a German nobleman the other day and I asked him if he ever played hide and seek. He said why do you ask? I replied, nothing in particular Count Von Wunderten.
I know a girl who has a blue tooth. I told her to go to the dentist but she wouldn't listen
Somebody thanked me for my support. I thought that was strange because I was still wearing it.
My wife asked, if you work out, how come you're so fat? I said because I work out crosswords
We bought a new car and gave away the old one in part exchange. I looked at our old dog and said, can I swap him for a puppy?
I got in a painter and decorator, to colour the outside woodwork. I told him that I wanted it painted white but he insisted on painting everything black. I intend making sure that he never darkens our door again!