Who am I?
It’s a thought that’s crossed my mind lately. What defines me as a person and how do I hold myself accountable for my thoughts and actions on a daily basis. What’s my belief system and how do I follow that belief system on a daily basis? It’s something I pride myself in; whether it’s my reputation, or the person I am, I pride myself in how I carry myself.
But I’ve also learned that it’s ok to be broken. It’s ok to struggle, but staying in that dark place, and not getting out, that’s not ok.
What’s my why?
Why am I pushing myself to the brink on exhaustion every single day during a 4-month semester? What’s the “end goal” with your degree? These are questions that I ask myself or others ask of me every school year because I will go to the extremes of studying for classes every year.
The one question I get asked, “why do you have no free time to do stuff?”
Let me tell you, I wish I did, but because of my mental health and how I struggle with remembering the details of a process or key ideas, I have to study early. I have to put the work in to get the grades I have gotten. I know there’s going to be some days where I’m mentally out, so I study early.
But you and others don’t understand that. You continue to ask me why I have no time to see you, why I have no time; but in reality, you have no idea what I struggle with on a daily basis. You have no idea the voices in my head, and how loud they can get with negativity.
But don’t go and tell me how others have this extra time, don’t praise others that aren’t in my situation that they’re a lot smarter than me and how great of people they are; they haven’t been in my shoes, they haven’t seen or lived the things that I’ve had to go through.
And then you tell me that it’s out of context; you’re just mad I called you out, don’t spin this on me and say that what I said was wrong; you don’t understand how your words hurt me
#PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #whatsyourwhy #WhoAreYou
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