My entire life I have never been able to even partially explain what depression is and how it feels to wake up and fall asleep with it every single day. and I finally have the opportunity to maybe be given the opportunity to post this piece on a blog. I hope I do us and it justice. Sisyphus had his boulder, Prometheus had his liver-loving eagle, and Tantalus his high shelf fruit. People with depression have their own sort of eternal damnation. Having severe depression severe treatment resistant depression is like drowning inches below the surface in a bottomless pit of water that’s only goal is to drag you deeper into its darkness, down to the depths where there is no light to be seen, where no life can survive. But you can see the light, it’s so close you can nearly feel the warmth of the air and sunlight as it hits your face as you break the surface, you can almost feel your lungs fill with that first life- saving breath. It’s so close, just beyond your reach. almost. And if you have depression and anxiety the pits not bottomless. No, there are monsters down there.
Everyone has a pit no one stays dry forever but most people can get out of their pool of water dry off and feel the ground beneath their feet.
I’ve never gotten out of my pit. I’ve rested my arms on the edge, I’ve even gotten as far as just having my foot rest against the waters surface. I’ve felt the liberation of the hard ground pushing up against my body. I’ve never walked away from my pit, but I’ve been close. There are people who will never reach the service and my heart breaks for them because even though I might be drowning right now I know that there is land up there I know that there is more than this I know this pain while excruciating and all consuming can end. Sometimes it feels like the rest of the world lives freely beyond the waters reach. I see them walking running playing even laying in the sun and I can’t help but envy them at times even hate them. They complain about sun-burn, blisters, and scraped knees. While I pray and beg just to breathe the air they fill with the kind of complaints I would kill to have. I can’t even imagine having the time to contemplate those things because all I know is the agony of survival.
In truth I do not hate them nor do I wish them I’ll. I would never ever wish this for anyone not even my enemies. This type of suffering is no longer my only reality but it is still a part of my reality.
Antidepressants and alcohol and drugs are like lifevests they help you stay afloat but eventually they have to come off, and now all you’re left with our weaker muscles to fight against the current
I have been on 11 different antidepressants that means 11 times I’ve truly believed I would be lifted from my own personal hell and 11 times the rope has slipped from my hands.
#Depression #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Imnewhere