5

TKK FOR ACCEPTING ME😏

I know its better to get it out than to keep it in so here it goes.

This is a guy who "likes" me and I guess is trying to impress me. I no longer use medical marijuana because although it helps my anxiety it doesn't exactly help my depression so I've taken other routes to supporting my mental health that have been working. I know he's trying to be nice and "joking" but possibly because I know him, this rubbed me the wrong way and I'll tell you why later.

Conversation on social media:

Him: Makes post on social media of sweet treats.

Me: You eat edibles now?

Him: I'm getting better so I can hang with you.

Me: I haven't done it in quite a while so you're way ahead of me.

Him: What! Are you okay? Do I need to make a delivery. Lol

Me:Wait...not doing eds means I'm not okay?? 🤔 Backwards nation we're living in lol 🥴

Him: Whats up, why u not doin well? Bc you haven't had any

Me: What?

Him: Haven't had any weed? I'm not bein fresh

Me:Am I suppose to have it? Lol I'm not being fresh either lol

Him: So what do want? Drink, food or other?

Me: I'm good. Thank you.

Him: Np ❤️ smarty 😂😂

Why did this conversation bother me?

#1 : When you tell someone you're not drinking or smoking and they ask you are you okay? My question is," Why do YOU feel the need to drink and smoke and are you okay?"

Nowadays when you choose to be sober in a drug addicted world, others see it as strange or you're the one who's not okay. 🥴 Weird.

#2 : When you tell someone you're not drinking or smoking and they still offer or ask do you want some?

This is my life and my journey. Of course I can always kindly and simply say no thank you but nobody should be put in the position to be questioned and to explain themselves as to why they don't want to do something that they don't want to do.

#3 : I have a medical card and can get marijuana whenever I need it. I told him I haven't done it in quite a while but he still offered me some. I don't need a stanger dropping off weed to me. This bothers me because people who don't have access or money would have fallen into this trap and taken off their journey not to mention the safety and security concerns. I especially want women to be careful in situations like this but everyone should use their best judgment.

#4 I get that I am who I attract and I attract who I am but come on universe what this be? Lol Right now I'm in my own little world, healing in my own little universe. I see situations like these as tests. I believe when you're moving into a new chapter in your life the universe will see if you're ready to move forward and im ready. Nothing is going to have me go backwards. Upward and onwards is the only direction I'm headed.

#5 Why did I relate this to being single? Because we would have never met and exchanged numbers if I was in a relationship. We met twice previously and never even indulged in any weed together. He's not a bad guy but trying to impress me this way is a major turn off.

Okay, rant done! Good night 🌃

#Depression #MedicalMarijuana #Anxiety #Dating #weed #single #Life

So I’ve noticed those with CPTSD and PTSD often report similar experiences. I hadn’t realized how typical my own were until I read others stories. So I thought I’d make a list of common shared experiences in those with PTSD/CPTSD…

#1 Your abusers and told you the abuse was normal and everyone does it ergo you’re being dramatic.

#2 You blamed yourself without even realizing it. Let’s face it we don’t walk away thinking it’s our fault clear as day. That’s illogical. But we walk away with doubts that eventually dig into our heads while we’re not even paying attention. The next thing we know we think we’re inherently bad and deserving of being treated as such.

#3 You switch back and forth from having sympathy for you’re abuser to believing they’re evil incarnate.

#4 You wonder if you’re too damaged to think for yourself. If you don’t have experience in what’s right then can you know what’s wrong?

#5 You avoid watching any movies or tv shows with extremely painful emotional expressions yet are strangely drawn to them.

#6 You wake up feeling panic and/or anxiety and expecting something terrible to happen to you every day.

#7 You struggle to set necessary boundaries with others because you worry they’ll reject you. Perhaps you feel you’re not worthy of boundaries.

#8 You don’t trust anyone and struggle with emotional intimacy. Perhaps you feel scared everyone is going to hurt you.

#9 You have chronic migraines, irritable bowels, and/or body aches all the time.

#10 You need to be in control of everything at all times so you know what’s up. Even things that to others seems inconsequential.

#PTSD #CPTSD #Trauma #Abuse

TW:********

I am not sure I want to hear answers to this post especially if derogatory or negative but I need to get this off my chest. I have been carrying this around for a long time. 16 years.

I was severely sick and manic, hallucinating and I got involved with someone else. I have never been on drugs or alcohol but this person was. (Don't worry, I never did any.) Anyway, I was abused by the person repeatedly for 3 months or so. I eventually gave in to my hallucinations and suicidal ideation and went in to the hospital. I was first diagnosed with unipolar depression. They put me on an antidepressant. This was awful. I then spiraled out of control once in the hospital. They finally released me. I had 5 people's phone numbers. I called all. No one answered until #5 . Now #5 was just as evil and abusive as the first person. Maybe worse. This person took me across state lines, me sort of willing due to being fragile and sick. I was hurt by this person physically and emotionally. Fast forward 16 years: i have been with my wife for 29 years despite these things. Last night when I finally fell asleep, I dreamed about her cheating on me and this dream spiraled me out if control. I have had this dream before. I acted hysterically today, crying, texting my wife. She assured me that I was paranoid. I just started thinking about what I did and what my mania did to her and me. I can't forgive myself for leaving her or enduring the emotional and physical pain I put my self through. Mania surfaces sometimes (bipolar 1...what do you expect?) even with medication and therapy. I have still done some things I am not proud of and that I feel is reliving my abuse. I have messaged the first abuser over and over when in that state of mania. I think I texted the person 42 times in one day over the course of 7 months. So I am sure it was a horrendous amount. The person is in jail. They have never been read as far as I know. I am ashamed of this. I am confused by my actions. I am terrified of my actions. My obelsessions had gotten so bad, I felt the compulsion to do this. My wife knows I felt obsessed but did not know I messaged this person and in the quanity that I did. I don't know how to proceed with any of this. My wife says, "this is in the past. Leave it there." But as we all know, this creeps up and flashbacks start, questions arise, confusion sets in, an apology feels required, and all of the sanity I have goes out the window. I constantly encourage thoughts of this other person more so than #5 . I feel attached to this other person. I can't escape this person. I am reminded and triggered by this person and despite of the abuse, I still feel like I need answers and ultimately love and the same attachment that I feel, I want from this person. Someone help me with your kind words, wisdom, experiences that could possibly be similar. My therapist is new. I keep firing old ones. This one knows nothing about my past and the extreme issues I face!