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Alot to process and protect#AdrenalInsufficiency
The truth is buried for them.I will beable to resolve with time but there is no true resolving this.I know enough to understand they fcked up, so bad that they are backtracking daily now.I hate that for them.For anyone they involved.Why choose to live that way?You choose to set yourself up, to add to it, day after day.I have expressed myself, enough.I am exploring whos her, who has been plotting and whos next, for him to munipulate and turn to.If he feels he has to have a seperate life, his friends, his family, that is, irreversible now.im not running back to people who hurt and ridiculed me, at my lowest. I am rebuilding my self,on my own, alone and my core memories aren't trainable, a negotiation or faked.it is disgusting how others have perceived me and I understand the difference in support, advocacy and coersive control.I am ashamed for them, I have humbled myself for them.I was never given the truth so the hypocrisy shines.I am alone but not lonely. I am untouched by their attempts to hurt me, still with unbreakable nerves at this point.But, Im unstable in the reactive sense and will flip on a dime, if conditions in respect, arent cohesive.Im more aware than I appear and I resent that fact.I can use it to my advantage which I have, its call strategic, survival and life.I never, had a seat at their table and I, knew, that,always.Spoke to her about it,their leader...I acknowledged it years ago.I also confronted the other women, who cannot stay in their own lanes.I was welcomed in yours,by you.I was invited,actually groomed.So using my past to shame or retraumatize me,that is a joke,another hypocrisy shines.Your game now,I have no clue.
Why, for years,wasted, when paperwork will fix everything.I helped build this house, I got hurt, over this house, still see nothing but potential in it, this house.He hates it, hates us and hates himself.All I can do is show up, maintain the house and try to rebuild my life, a life outside this house.I will get to a point of wanting physical intimacy but even in my heart, its a no? I put myself on the line and now, nope, call it pride, but nope, I call it self respect and principles.A standard I now have. Paying the bills, is not enough.Emotional labor, unseen labor, the unknown is too much, for me.It is the standards, too low bar for me.I do deserve better, sooo much better.I deserve to know whats transpired, whats keeping him from sleeping and worried.Is he okay or not? I cant trust anything now and he wants it that way,me unstable and confused.I am no longer confused and want the truth about All of the last eighteen months.
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