I found an apartment to rent! The possession date is July 1. And I'm already second-guessing myself.
I've gone out on a limb and rented a place that is a bit of a reach at present, but that shouldn't be a problem once I actually get full time work. In order to get full time work, I can't continue living with my elderly grandmother because of the covid-19 risk, though. So I'm doing this a bit on faith.
Now my grandmother is emotionally blackmailing me for moving out (I've been living with her for six months and it was never meant to be permanent). My cousin came over yesterday and she told her in a quavering voice that I was "leaving her". I've been waiting for the financial stability to move out and now that I'm finally here I want to be excited and optimistic. Instead, I have this guilt heaped on me. (trying not to let it stick)
I don't really know for sure that the job market is going to open up enough that I will be able to get a full time job in my field within a couple months. It hasn't happened in the past four months...
I'm looking at the cost of bills that are not included in my rent and realizing my estimate was too low. It's hard when I've been living outside the country - I just don't know how much things cost here anymore.
I'm worried about upkeep and being a decent neighbour and taking out the garbage regularly (for some reason, so hard for me...I get anxious about it and I don't know why) and buying a vacuum cleaner because the bedroom is carpeted, but I hate the sound of a vacuum cleaner.
And part of the point of getting my own place was so that I could have privacy and finally start on a therapy journey. Now with anxiety about the cost, I'm worried again that I won't be able to afford therapy.
I'm sorry this is so rambly, but my thoughts are all over the place and I don't know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach that I've made a huge mistake. And if I have really made a huge mistake, it just proves after all that I can't function as an independent adult. I know that statement is too strong, but it's where my thoughts are going tonight. I'm stressed and scared.
And so anxious.
#moving #Housing #Adulting #emotionalblackmail #money #Aloneandscared #Anxiety #Depression