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I Didn’t Eat Enough Today - I Could Use A Hug

I didn’t eat enough today. That was one of my goals. Five days in a row of eating enough and I’m going to miss day six.

It doesn’t help that the ala I added to my shakes makes them super gross. (I’m gonna need to go back to capsules.)

I did take all the probiotics I’m hoping will fix my dysbiosis. I did take the supplements I’m hoping with heal the nerve damage. And I drank the juice I’ve added to my diet for nutrients.

But I’m at half the number of shakes I’m supposed to drink today and I just want to go to give up and go to bed.

How do you eat enough when you’re almost never hungry? When even the one time a day when you are hungry, you’re not interested in food? Or when you usually really don’t want it. And when you do eat, you often get sick?

Eating enough is supposed to help you sleep better. I can’t sleep most nights. Really high cortisol.

I left off the idiopathic part and looked up “autonomic neuropathy,” and it’s either reversible/treatable or I’ll lose this battle in 6-9 years. I already feel like I’ve lost so much over the last year and I know there are people who have it worse than me.

I just could really use some support tonight. And maybe someone who would be willing to eat and sleep for me because I really need that. (Though I’m depressed too and the limited sleep I get is my only reprieve from reliving this same day over and over.)

I’m just so tired. And I’m tired of everything being so hard. And I’m tired of having to go through all this stuff alone. And not having anyone to talk to about it.

I’m tired of trying stuff that doesn’t work. Tired of spending hundreds to thousands of dollars on stuff that doesn’t fix what needs fixing. Tired of doctors not knowing what they’re doing. Tired of their bandaids. Tired of forcing myself to eat all day. Of not being able to sleep all night. I’m tired of my brain not working as well as it did even a year ago. Even six months ago. I’m tired of losing functionality in general. It feels like it’s happening so fast.

Two summers ago, I could be outside. Not anymore. It’s too hot. A year ago I was hiking regularly. A few months ago, I didn’t have to wonder if I’d be able to hike today. Now, it’s a question. I aspirate more. I sleep less. Part of my foot is numb now and I can feel the neuropathy all along my left side. I can’t always breathe. Sometimes for what seems like no reason. I have tachycardia that just started one day and never left. My hr jumps up to 120-155 for reason every day. And apparently drops down to like 55 when I’m awake. (But it’s average is in the 80s when I’m asleep.)

Eating has been hard for a long time but it’s harder now. I get hungry like once, when I first wake up. I never really want food. I don’t remember it. I get hypoglycemic, but can’t tell because my hands don’t shake anymore, I just get tired. But I’m always tired, so I don’t know what to do with that. I can’t eat much real food. My body just won’t accept it. I have to thin out my shakes to trick my body into thinking it’s just a beverage. No need to reject this.

Tired of doing this all alone. Tired of people really not getting it.

I’m just really tired. Really overwhelmed. I could use a hug.

#Dysautonomia #AutonomicNeuropathy #NeedSupport #tired

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Overwhelmed and Lonely

What do people typically do when they feel overwhelmed and lonely? I can't get ahold of my therapist and I wish I could talk to someone I know and trust. My heart is so very sad and broken. My motivation and spirit are crushed. There is alot going on right now. I'm so very low.

#feelingoverwhelmed #Heartbroken #lonely #NeedSupport #cantfindmotivation #crushedspirit #missmytherapist #lookingforhope #mentalhealthmatters #reachout

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I have a tendency to place unjust blame on myself which then leads a pervasive sense of shame. Which in turn leads to me incorrectly believing that everyone is mad at me for everything. If someone slightly changes their tone of voice for example I often think they're annoyed or even angry with me. Usually I'm wrong though. Before I realize I'm wrong I often go into an anxiety attack brought on by having my PTSD triggered or I go emotionally numb. I shut people out, even when they want to help. I become distrustful and figure that if I just keep to myself then I don't have to risk being hurt again. This vicious cycle has been occupying my life currently. I've been working really hard to tell myself that not everything bad that happens is my fault, or that not everyone is mad at me. When I think someone is mad at me I almost revert to a younger state of mind. I lock myself away because I learned early on that if I just complied then everything would be relatively okay. Even when I froze and fawned while being sexually assaulted, I had the same mindset. This mindset has followed me around for most of my life. The sexual abuse I went through as a child combined with the emotional abuse created a pervasive sense of shame and endless guilt. I typically focus on the sexual abuse because it's what is most recent in my memory. However I want to try unpacking the emotional abuse too. It sounds weird to say that I was emotionally abused as well. What does that even mean? I suppose this vicious cycle of self-hate, self-blame, anxiety and endless guilt stems from both forms of abuse. I was wondering how I could begin unpacking it. I just wish I could handle the situation better rather than having it occupy my life. I guess the first step is even realizing it happened, then naming it. I just wish it wasn't so intense sometimes.

#PTSD #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #SexualAssault #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #Healing #struggling #NeedSupport

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"It's okay, I'm Use To It."

"Its okay, I'm use to it," I say, with a heavy sigh,
For too long, I've known this pain, I can't deny.
Its okay, Ive learned to adapt, to endure and bear. 
To hide the pain inside, and the tears I can't share. 

"Its okay, I'm use to it," I say,
With a heavy sigh, as I face another day,
For too long, this pain has been my guide,
But I've learned to adapt, to let it reside. 

"It's okay, I'm use to it," I say, 
But deep within, a bitter reality lays,
The Sting of rejection, cuts deep,
A wound that's hidden, yet always asleep. 

"Its okay, I'm use to it," I say,
But my heart weeps and yearns to stray,
To find a peace that's warm and true,
To mend the wounds that I've been through. 

#Poetry #Poem #MentalHealth #Depression #NeedSupport #Anxiety

7 reactions 1 comment
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New Here

I Need Support living with someone with #BipolarDisorder . Been some real highs and lows . Not sure how to help, when it seems like I’m the one person that may be pushing them over the edge . I need help ,I don’t know how to help when they say all I do is hurt. #NeedSupport

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My wonderful child J. has had GAD and constant panic attacks for two months. We have seen an awful neurologist and a helpful psychiatrist; he and I are in therapy. Tomorrow we visit Cortica to rule out being in the spectrum (or rule in). I love my job; I love my children, J and N. My husband tried his best to help, but I had to push him. I feel the emotional, medical, and physical burden is on me. Last night, J had an adverse side effect on a new Benzo. He hallucinated for 5-6 hours. As a consequence, my husband ruled out benzos. We are waiting for the SSRI to kick in, but it might take three more weeks. Today the whole family worked from home, no school. We are exhausted. He asks me: why me? What did I do to deserve this? I do not want children because I do not want to leave this legacy. He is nine years old. I suffer from depression and anxiety. They are under control with meds, but I a making a U-turn. I feel alone and do not know where to go from here. Thank you for reading. #GAD #Autism #SensoryIssues #exhausted #y #SSRI #Medi #Benzos #mother #NeedSupport #Children #PanicAttacks #hard #choices #needsleep

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“I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.” Hit home for me, I always am at a lost for words. This right here hit the nail on the head. I am exhausted. I am exhausted from fighting an invisible fight. I am exhausted from feeling along. I am exhausted for doing a bear minimum. I constantly am tracking my spoons, I have to reserve two just to make it to and from work not including the spoons I need to function at work. I am exhausted that there seems to be no light. I am exhausted from feeling exhausted. I am exhausted from having to rely on others when I am usly the one that everyone goes to. The list could go on. #MixedConnectiveTissueDiseaseMCTD #Depression #stepparent #Anxiety #stressed #spiral #NeedSupport #exhausted #Trauma #RaynaudsPhenomenon

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Doubting my abuse

Hi all,
This is my first post. More looking for someone who can relate and give me some advice. I have bipolar I and I’m crashing down from an extended manic episode where I was convinced that the diagnosis was wrong so I started going off my meds. During those “manic months” I wrote a book about the abuse I’ve endured and made a lot of progress around my childhood abuse with EMDR therapy. As I stabilize, I’m going back to doubting myself and all that I’ve been through. I’m blaming myself for distancing from abusers and telling myself I made it all up. I’m embarrassed by my writing, and I’m struggling with thoughts of suicide.
I have a great team of doctors but they don’t get it. No one can explain why being back on meds makes me doubt that the abuse ever occurred, but I feel like I’m losing my mind and stuck in a cycle of self hatred.
Anyone ever experience anything like this? I also have a diagnosis of ptsd but as I accept the bipolar, I all of a sudden don’t believe the ptsd is real.
Any words of wisdom or just relating in general would be so helpful! Thank you 🤍🤍 #BipolarDisorder #CPTSD #SuicidalThoughts #SelfDoubt #selfhatred #NeedSupport

13 comments
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Anyone want to talk? #fightingeachday #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder

I have had surgery for my right ovarian cyst near the end May did not expect to come of surgery and suffer catatonia from general anesthesia. I ended up in a catatonic state after surgery after anaesthesia and was moved by ambulance from the private hospital where I had my surgery to a public hospital ICU for three days and then to neurology ward where I had lost the use of my right side. I woke up not able to use my right side and lost all of my independence that day when I woke up. I was diagnosed with FND and eventually told there was nothing could do and sent me home on a stretcher after weeks in hospital via medical ambulance transport. Now home I m so depressed because before all of this I had my independence even though I was limping to get around but now my right side is useless and I have to relearn everything. I feel like a burden to everyone cause need their help. I need rehab but it is not possible right now cause of really strict lockdown where I live and support cannot even come to my house to give me support. I m trying not to give up. Can anyone talk with me? #NeedSupport #depress

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Support

I’ve noticed lately I get panic attacks before I have to work. Lately the job has been stressing me out and now I’m experiencing physical symptoms of how I don’t want to go. It’s just exhausting to be treated badly. I have bipolar disorder and am still learning to cope and understand how it effects my life. I’m so bad at spending money, I do it impulsively and without thinking sometimes. I mostly do it cause I want to few good about myself and sometimes I feel like i don’t have anyone to talk too. I rather not upset anyone. Lately I have been crying a lot. I’m trying my hardest to not let this get to me. I find writing helps and making art but having an anxiety about work is upsetting me. Some positive words would be greatly appreciated! 💜 #Anxiety #Life #BipolarDisorder #NeedSupport #Depression

12 comments