Anxiousattachment

Hey there, today is hard. Apparently my fiancée had asked me earlier this week if I wanted to go up to another town about 30 min away to hang out with some of his coworkers today. But with depression and brain fog it slipped my mind and I woke up feeling excited to spend a cozy day at home with my fiancée, until he reminded me about the plans. I instantly started to feel anxiety and dread.

I expressed this to him right away in a calm manner, and decided I am not going to go. I feel like in my life right now I am surviving from minute to minute and I’m absolutely exhausted; I feel like attending the event would push me over the edge and past my limits. I also expressed that I was feeling anxious about him going, because I feel that we’ve had absolutely no quality time together recently and I’m starting to not feel like a priority to him and I am not very satisfied with where we are at in our relationship right now.

For context, he works like 14 hour days most days of the week, and his last day off, he ALSO spent the whole day with this same group of work friends that he had planned to go see today. So in my brain it started compounding like he sees them all day at work, and he’s been spending a lot of time with them outside of work, so I just feel a bit resentful and in need of assurance because I don’t feel like we’ve had any quality time recently.

Also, I just lost my job due to mental health, and started a new medication, so I feel like my world has been turned upside down and I’m really hurting and I feel that I desperately need my partner for support in this time.

But he was extremely angry at me for insinuating that I’d prefer him not to go and that I really need some quality time with him. He says I always make him feel guilty for doing what he wants to do and that he shouldn’t have to live with this much dread of social things bc he feels like whatever he chooses he’s doing the wrong thing. (Even though just 2 days ago he spent the whole day boating with this group of friends and I was encouraging and excited for him and did not make a fuss). But I admit I do feel like I hold him back from time to time.

Idk guys, I just don’t know how to balance his need for social engagement, and my need for his support at home. I don’t know how is in the wrong here. He’s really mad at me and left to go hang out with them. I just am sat here in a puddle feeling awful. To me, I just think that when your partner is going through an awful time, maybe it’s not that important to drive an hour to go play freaking pickle ball. But idk. Just feeling unrightfully resentful and unsure how to approach the situation when he returns.

I feel like my mental health has turned me into someone he doesn’t like anymore and I just feel so hopeless and sad. Any advice?

!!!! Trigger warning !!!! Self harm !!!!

Got drunk, eight big 60mls, two joints and a blunt later, my thumb's muscle memory dialled him up. Remembering your ex's number is a tough thing. He came over to talk. Told me about everything he did! What he hid from, what he was feeling, why he pushed me all over again, his family issues..... his self harm and suicide ideation. And that he's getting help and is two sessions down. A lot more of those for him to go. He kept apologising, kept asking me to be mad at him. I already forgive him. Maybe I'm just too understanding (People pleaser tendencies? Savior complex?)

He told me around the lines of "I'm not healthy for you. And i don't want to hurt you again. So i left, pushed you away and didn't contact you."
Is it wrong for me to contact him? Have hopes? I care about him but i don't love him. Every time he told me he still loves me, i would cry out of guilt because i can't reciprocate his feelings. Why is it that every time i finally start get better he starts to get worse? And when he's getting better taking help, and steps I'm already gone, boundaries concrete thick.

I went over to his place so we could talk more. I opened the door to broken wine glasses with dried blood on a few shards. Puke on the side of his bed, cut up beer cans and bottles of wine. He cut himself. On his thighs and stomach, they did not seem deep enough to have caused too much blood loss, but still!

I still care about him. Could this be my savior complex? Because i don't love him the way i used to. But at the back of my head i have hope, not for us to get together, but for his recovery. He hasn't told anyone when or whom he's going to for therapy. I suggested to go with him, so it can maybe speed it up? Ik they call the clients family, friends etc to get a better understanding. I'm all up for it!
But i don't want to get together with him. I need to put myself first. But will time-limited-text-only be okay? Will it give him the wrong idea? What if he puts his entire direction to healing and growing enough so he doesn't hurt me. But will contact during this process hurt him? When he clearly has feeling for me. But i don't..... Not romantically at least.

Guide me Mighty! PLEASE!

#Relationships #relationshipanxiety #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #GettingHelp #Loneliness #Anxiousattachment