Avoidant

So far, since realizing that I am not apathetic by choice, but because of chronic illness and medication side effects, I am finding more impetus to be productive. Huzzah! I feel pretty good in spite of my depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, and extreme limitation because I am the 24/7 caregiver of my disabled husband who has cognitive impairments.

Yesterday was my sister’s birthday. I gave her a present a day early and declined her invitation to her birthday lunch with her family. She was not happy with that but I know it was the right decision for me, so that is a win!

I have been having daily calls with my brother, who has many chronic health issues, including bi-polar disorder and depression. I love him, but this close contact with him spends a lot of my energy, so I need to be very careful not to overtax myself talking to him. I realized that I am unable to withstand discussion about his fake boyfriend who is actually a professional scammer. I want to protect my brother and have proven this guy is scamming him, but he is so blissed out by this person he has never met that he refuses to hear me. So I told him that I cannot talk to him about that subject anymore because it is adversely affecting my health. That was so hard for me to do, but again, I made the right decision for me.

Getting past those two events took a big toll on me and made my fibromyalgia flare. But my determination to make healthy choices for me is spiraling my confidence up, so I know I am on a good path. The more I protect my boundaries, the stronger I feel and the more energy I have to push through the #apathy holding me back.

My new defense against my #Depression and #Anxiety has been helping tremendously. I was suffering pretty bad from negative #self -talk and internal “#worry noise,” but finally learned how to escape all of that when I watched the Invitation to Freedom video on YouTube (link below).

I will spend my afternoon planning #Productivity into the coming week and getting us outside for some sun and exercise. Can you believe it? After being #Avoidant and apathetic for so long I have #Hope again!

Return to the Self, the Is-ness, an invitation to Freedom; youtu.be/ptcINj_7tcl

Sigh I'm so sad and feeling ... like a small child, & being reminded in small scale of teaching in public sch, where it felt like I could never be good enough. I honestly don't think I'm terribly bad to an extent of being fired, but just that sense of being on my toes every day (I seriously fear my boss will text any time), anticipatory anxiety, ughhhhh - its like triggering public school teaching vibes lol. & off-the-cuff, it's my vibe of not being good enough (OMG therapy catchphrase omg omg. But I think now I say it a bit less 😬)

[Everything is bundled into a generic "not good enough" 😬]

If you've read this far, you probably need a context (sorry for the rant before the context)

I used to teach in public school, which sprang upon me the development of all these MH issues. I left, did a bit of other things for abit, before venturing back into teaching - in private enrichment space. It has been generally more bearable since, but with private enrichment still being overall a business, & the impacts of COVID19 on services/businesses in general-- I swear it's not me who changed, but that COVID shutdown has made my boss more micro-manage-y & nitpicky on tiny things.

Doesn't help that he tends to message at any random time (like, on after work hours/off days - omg he messaged me on a weekend public holiday, on Aug 09 [our National Day + a public hol], to ask about some kid's progress .. I swear that could have waited a week ..) -- so yes. Now the anticipatory anxiety is increasingly real (since end-July, and I think it's only growing. Slowly, but growing aha)

It's really quite triggering (and, I'm slightly afraid that people are gonna "judge" me for using the word, but I swear I'm using it as intended. Awhile ago, I read some article about how people use the word "triggered" when they mean "overwhelmed" - or that was what the author proposed - and it's made me a bit afraid to use the word "triggered" since)

But I really mean triggering in this case - because it comes with the full set of actual anxiety, not just overload and shutdown. I'm feeling these vibes in my thoughts and in my gut too and continually being on heightened alert is ... sucky. :-(

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, cos I know I'm not actually looking for positivity or affirmation (because what would strangers know abt me/my ability/my work environment) - I guess, just validation of some sort? I don't know. I'm sad. & triggered (& unashamed to use that word) ☹

#CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Avoidant #AvoidantPersonalityDisorder #Employment #Selfesteem

I’m sitting here thinking about donuts. I feel guilty. I feel gross. I feel every roll on my stomach and my clothes feel tigher JUST because I am thinking about a food I probably won’t eat.

Even imagining unhealthy foods or enjoying them makes me feel fat. I know that if I don’t get a donut, I might binge later this week and do even more damage than just one little donut.

I never really eat sweets, so why do I feel so guilty about it?! I haven’t gained weight. But my lying eyes have told me I’m fatter than I was a few weeks ago when I last weighed myself. I notice how warped my perception is when a small sliver of the reality about my body seeps through some days, and maybe two days later I literally see myself 20-30 lbs heavier.

The icing on the cake in this situation (the cake I want to eat, but won’t lol) is that I am also manic and my appetite is so big. My body image is ALL over the place and I could feel so confident one day and then suddenly fall back into my body dysmorphia the next. This SUCKS. It is never cute, and it’s not something I would wish on anyone.

#BulimiaNervosa #Avoidant /RestrictiveFoodIntakeDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Mania #BipolarDisorder

I seem to have an appetite problem for a couple months now and I'm not sure why.
I feel so hungry to the point I feel nauseous and it gets worse taking a shower on an empty stomach, I end up throwing up nothing.
And whenever I do get myself to eat I can't get full no matter how much I eat. Even easy air fryer foods aren't helping me eat. Like chicken strips and fish sticks, pizza rolls. Surprisingly even pasta, my favorite thing isn't helping. Well, maybe if I had ingredients for tuna noodle I'd be okay, I can never say no to that. That's my number one comfort food.
I had my boyfriend run to the store this morning to get me some soup, see if that will help. Well, I ate two cans then got full, a few hours later I'm starting to get hungry again and a little dizzy. Might try and snack on my strawberries before they get too bad..
I've also been waking up to a different bruise on my leg every day too, lack of food perhaps?
Eggs and drinking breakfast essentials is good but doesn't fill me up. I feel bad for wasting food lately, I just keep giving it to be dogs. I want some good beef ramen but ramen in general I think is still gone from the stores. The good ones at least, I thought about ordering some good ramen online but I don't know..
I even lost 5 pounds and I'm already pretty skinny. Healthy skinny but if I lose 10 more pounds it won't be too healthy.. I don't think it's an eating disorder although I have serious body dysmorphia and can never decide if I want to lose or gain weight. I do want to eat.. I just can't. Certain foods, like too much unhealthy stuff I usually love I'm afraid to eat because I don't want to get fat. I don't know what is wrong but it's really affecting me. I'm too tired and weak to do anything around the house and don't have enough calories to burn when it comes to exercise.
#Avoidant /RestrictiveFoodIntakeDisorder #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #tired #Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #EatingIssues