I’m not feeling so good today, I have so many thoughts buzzing around in my head and even if I speak to my fiancé about them, they are still there going round and round in my mind.
I want to do well for myself, I want to achieve everything positive that I’m able to do, but I can’t help but want to punish myself. torture myself with flashbacks of childhood, how others have treated me. I’m a tiny little girl in a 23/24 year old body having to live this life full of responsibilities that I wasn’t prepared for cause I spent all my childhood consumed with the mental, verbal abuse from family members. specially my parents, which make it a hell of a lot harder knowing that your parents that are supposed to stick by you, support you and care for you don’t. and are no where to be seen on a regular basis. I feel chewed up and spat back out by my parents and I constantly feel like I’ve got to do everything on my own. I would do anything to have a close relationship with both my parents.
how do you appreciate a life you didn’t choose to have, my childhood was filled with such manipulative, guilt tripping, selfish behaviour that I struggled to understand as a child. and now being an adult I feel like I’ve created such bad coping mechanisms to help me cope, that don’t really help me cope as much anymore. but letting go of them is like loosing your favourite childhood blanket that you couldn’t sleep without.
I’ve got so many home truths buzzing around in my head, I just want to hide.
having that fire in my belly to achieve a healthy, happy content way of life, but also being dead scared to change anything just in case it sends me south and it making me worse.
#MentalHealth #Trauma #mentalabuse #Bipolar #Depression #Anxiety #Thoughts #AutomaticThoughts #Low #Flashbacks