Avoiding

There are days when i let myself feel incredibly bored and lack motivation. But most days i focus on the benefits of unstructured time; the ability to focus on goals with a positive mindset; not belittling myself. I practice new rituals, embrace my time with The Mighty, and have fun learning new things. I'm taking on line courses, go at one's own pace. I don't question whether or not it's meaningful. Of course it's meaningful. I'm focused on gaining knowledge; the pride i feel lessens my anxieties, boosts my self esteem, and i'm #Not bored!

Everyday this week, I had consciously decided not to talk to this guy at work whom I’ve always liked, but because of past events along with me forever feeling that I’m either too much or not enough (among other feelings). For the last few months, we weren’t really speaking to each other because he started hanging out with the other guys at work and for that, I felt like he had abandoned me and I went from admiring him to hating him very fast. Overall, I can’t deny the fact that even though things have happened, he is a good guy. So this week, I’ve literally been praying that I could avoid him for the rest of the time that I was at work. On Monday when I did this, he ended up showing up at my work area and started talking to me. I brushed it off because I thought it was a one time thing and that he’ll go back to not talking to me again. The next day, the same thing pretty much happened. But what happened last night really scared me. I was working and he came in to help me. After a while of not saying much, he asked me about my family and also my mental health. I didn’t go into great detail because I didn’t know how he would take the heaviness of everything I’ve been feeling. So, I told him that it could be better than what it is now. And he literally said this:”You can tell me what’s wrong, let me make you feel better.” THAT was the moment that really scared me. I really didn’t know what to think let alone know how to handle it. It is hard to me to accept help and even harder for me to accept anything from a man. I know that he cares, but it’s hard for me to fully accept that anyone cares. I’ve been pushing him away and yet I find it hard to let him go. I’ve hated him, but would feel hurt because I felt he was leaving me behind. It’s all really confusing. I don’t expect anything major to come out of this, and thinking about it makes me all the more scared and anxious. #MentalHealth #Depression #Relationships #anxiousthoughts #devalue #value #scared #relationshipsarehard #pushingpeopleaway #Avoiding #feelings #Accepting #Men #feelingscared #battling

I have trouble with sleeping for months now because the neighbor above is very noisy and walks in the flat without slippers in the morning, at night, at dawn... I am very sensitive to noises and this bothers me. However I avoid conflicts and I don’t go upstairs to talk to her.
Last night I tried to listen to white noise while sleeping and it worked!