pushingpeopleaway

My fear got the best of me again. I’ve been feeling empty since this morning and it’s all behind the fear of me getting hurt again. I instantly felt that I needed to protect myself again. My guard is up and I don’t feel like opening up again. My fears of being left again have caused be to sabotage things and I’m fully aware that I’m doing this. My low self esteem has caused me to over think about my relationships with people and I often feel like I’m not worthy of anyone’s time and or energy. In my mind, I have to be the first to go and others would be better off without me. For many different reasons, I just want to avoid everyone. I’m continuously feeling like I’m being pushed off to the side. I’m better off in the dark at this point. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #pushingpeopleaway #fears

For the last few days, I've really been wanting to push everyone away. My abandonment issues are causing me to over think a lot. I do want closeness, but I feel like nothing is going to stay out fulfill that need. I have people who want to be apart of my life, I have someone in my life who is aware of all of my changes, but I've just about psyched myself into thinking that trying to keep people in my life is not possible. I know none of this makes no sense, but this is how I feel. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #abandonmentissues #pushingpeopleaway

Do you ever feel like you, and everyone close to you, would be better off if you were alone? I’m sick of hurting because I don’t get the love I need and I’m sick of hurting my husband because he feels awful when I finally burst about how unloved I feel. Some days I just think he would be better off with someone that doesn’t have BPD and I would be better off alone where no one can judge me and I can just live in my self hate. #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #pushingpeopleaway

I wasn’t going to write this, but I’m going to anyway. I went to work calm, but became a nervous reck knowing that my coworker (whom I really cared about) was coming back after being gone for a week. The week before, I saw something that made me hate him and wanted to return the same energy that he’s been giving me- which is the “I don’t give a f@&%” mentality. Needless to say, I ended up having to stop work to end up in the bathroom near tears and throwing up because I didn’t want to deal with this anymore. If he’s going to ignore and avoid me, I’m capable of matching the effort. I would literally catch him staring at me sometimes while we’re there. The thing that gets me is that he spilled his guts to me about his past and then when he started hanging out with the other people at work, he would barely speak to me because he was riding their jock the whole time. And I’m tired of it. If every other person in his life is just that terrible, he needs to realize that he’s been a terrible guy himself. I try to see the good in him, I really try, but I can’t anymore. I’m pushing him away for the time being. I regret nothing. #MentalHealth #Depression #Ghosting #pushingpeopleaway

For the last couple of days, I’ve been sleeping a lot. And I mean A LOT. My work schedule has been busy due to Covid-19 and I know my sleep schedule could be better as well. I slept most of the day Saturday, but was still tired. I went to bed that night, and although I didn’t go to bed late, I still woke up late. I ended up falling asleep again a couple of hours after waking up. I’m trying to keep my mind busy and taking breaks too. I still feel a lot of negative feelings about myself. I still feel that I’m not good enough for anyone and that I’m aware that my future relationships will not be normal. I’m still very afraid to let anyone in and I find that I’ve been pushing people away who actually do want to help me. I’m not comfortable with people taking care of me, but maybe in a way I need that to an extent. There is a lot of unknowns in front of me and within me as well. I still feel like I don’t have a face and that I still feel an emptiness that I can’t put a name on. On top of that, I find that my mood does change quite a bit. I think it has balanced out a little because of the medication, but I still have the intense thoughts and feelings periodically from anger to sadness that makes me want to scream because feeling sad is so painful. All these things I experience, I go through it with my mouth shut because I find it so hard to talk about it, that and I don’t want to worry anyone. I can function around others, but all the while I’m hiding all of this. #MentalHealth #Depression #mood #FeelingEmpty #FeelingVunerable #NegativeThoughts #sleeping #pushingpeopleaway

It's hard for me to convince myself that someone truely cares about me. I know they do, but in my mind, I either question them or I think they are lying. I didn't want someone to leave me, I did what I could for them not to leave, but they did anyway. Now after all the anger and frustration, I decided to push them away. Avoid them completely because I felt that I was not enough, they really didn't care about me, and that everything was a lie. I had been abandoned all over again. They ended up coming back even though I've been asking God to help me to let them go, but for some reason I can't. I don't see it as a sign or some blessing in disguise. It only makes me more afraid, more unsure, and all the more ready to run again. #MentalHealth #Depression #pushingpeopleaway #Feelingabandoned #Notenough #NoOneCaresAboutMe

Everyday this week, I had consciously decided not to talk to this guy at work whom I’ve always liked, but because of past events along with me forever feeling that I’m either too much or not enough (among other feelings). For the last few months, we weren’t really speaking to each other because he started hanging out with the other guys at work and for that, I felt like he had abandoned me and I went from admiring him to hating him very fast. Overall, I can’t deny the fact that even though things have happened, he is a good guy. So this week, I’ve literally been praying that I could avoid him for the rest of the time that I was at work. On Monday when I did this, he ended up showing up at my work area and started talking to me. I brushed it off because I thought it was a one time thing and that he’ll go back to not talking to me again. The next day, the same thing pretty much happened. But what happened last night really scared me. I was working and he came in to help me. After a while of not saying much, he asked me about my family and also my mental health. I didn’t go into great detail because I didn’t know how he would take the heaviness of everything I’ve been feeling. So, I told him that it could be better than what it is now. And he literally said this:”You can tell me what’s wrong, let me make you feel better.” THAT was the moment that really scared me. I really didn’t know what to think let alone know how to handle it. It is hard to me to accept help and even harder for me to accept anything from a man. I know that he cares, but it’s hard for me to fully accept that anyone cares. I’ve been pushing him away and yet I find it hard to let him go. I’ve hated him, but would feel hurt because I felt he was leaving me behind. It’s all really confusing. I don’t expect anything major to come out of this, and thinking about it makes me all the more scared and anxious. #MentalHealth #Depression #Relationships #anxiousthoughts #devalue #value #scared #relationshipsarehard #pushingpeopleaway #Avoiding #feelings #Accepting #Men #feelingscared #battling

The other night at work, my coworker and I were talking about all that’s been happening in the world and it ended up with the subject of our mental well-being. He allowed me to tell him my whole rundown of the last few months of what’s been going on with me and it lead to a nice conversation. He opened up too about his past experiences with wanting to have someone who could be a listening ear and because of his experiences, it made him want to be of assistance to anyone who felt like they didn’t matter or no longer wanted to be alive. It was a total relief to talk about it because all of this has been sitting inside me while I’m at work and all they’ve seen is me being happy and jovial, but when I leave from there, sometimes I implode in the worst way. I have another coworker whom I’m forever in an emotional push and pull. I like the guy, but there are times that I have quickly devalued him because of the things he has done. I’ve even had moments when I’ve hated him when earlier I had admired him. He is a good person, but I find that I want to push him away sometimes. I’ve even been praying to avoid him most times, but he seems to be popping up more than before. We use to talk a lot, but when he started hanging out with the others, I would see him less and less. He didn’t say much to me for a while. And that put me in a tailspin because I felt like I had been abandoned by him. I don’t expect anything to come out of this at all, and even now, I’ll try to avoid him and he’s there either staring in my direction or he has something to say. I know that I can’t handle anything serious with my poor mental health and for that, I feel like I would only bring another person hell if they ever got close enough. #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Depression #devalue #Admire #Relationships #relationshipsarehard #openup #Openingup #openingupfinally #pushingpeopleaway #Feelingabandoned #ImListening

Thank you to the man who understood that "I hate you" meant "I love you" "go away" meant "please stay"
"Im sad and confused" meant "cuddle me until everything goes away"
For knowing that I cared even when I didn't show it, for loving me endlessly and making sure I knew it.
For stroking my hair when I thought my world was falling, for still calling me beautiful after I sat there for ages bawling.
For never get mad when I was so damn mean and bad, for never giving up when I made you really sad.

For trying so hard to break down my wall and never giving up even though it was tall.
For finally tearing it down and caring for what was behind, for loving both my body and my fragile mind.
For accepting my weird and quirky way and for trying your hardest to stay... Even when I pushed you away.
It was hard for you so think of how hard it is for me never knowing who I'm going to be,
waking up with a different personality.
Never being in a stable mood, either starving myself or binge eating food.
Feeling a void so empty and dead, but knowing my demons are all in my head.

For not being able to escape my fears, for feeling weak when I released my tears.
For letting my traits ruin what we had and now having no one to turn to when I am sad.
For making you hate me because I thought that would be best.. For trying to get rid of you just like the rest.
But you've helped me more than you will ever no.. I wish I never let you go.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

#pushingpeopleaway #struggling