Bipolar 1 Disorder

Hi, my name is I_Am_A_Hurricane. I'm 36. single mom of a 15 year old son and 12 year old daughter. I also have dog Leo, he is chocolate lab/put bull, and I love home WO MUCH!! I've struggled my entire life and never able to manage my disorders like bipolar 1 Rapid Cycling and Borderline Personality Disorder. currently I've made a disaster of my life in every way. my kids are unable to handle being around me bc of my rage and mood swings that I can't control so I say things that hurt them and apologize the next day. I know they don't understand any of my mental disorders and issues basically no one does. the ppl that did are dead or still using drugs. so I have no one. but it's the way I want it I don't want to hurt ppl.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #ADHD #Grief

So I just need to complain a bit this morning. Last week I was having a hard day. I was planning on a ketamine treatment and therapy the next morning and just needed a safe and quiet place for the night, so I went to a crisis center. The first crisis worker I talked to said I could stay the night and the next morning I could leave and go to my appointments. But in the morning, the new crisis worker twisted my words and used them against me. He claimed I was suicidal with a plan when I never even talked about having SI or a plan. I even had him talk to my therapist who said I was safe. But it didn’t matter, I was put on a 72 hour hold. Now, the psych hospital they were sending me to was one that a family member of mine went before and while they were there, was with held medications, given the wrong medications, sat in dirty clothes for a week, and was not allowed to communicate with my mom whom the therapists there were supposed to contact but never did. So of course I’m going to refuse to go. Because I refused to go, I was picked up from my chair, thrown onto a hard board, pinned down, restrained and drugged by 10 people. They left me restrained for 30 minutes until I finally gave up and complied. I was non combative and non aggressive I just simply refused to go. I now have bruises on me, I pulled a muscle in my leg making it difficult to walk, I hurt my rotator cuff on my shoulder that was recently replaced and now have trauma over what they did. I was NEVER in danger of hurting myself or anyone else. I NEVER mentioned SI. This crisis center made me feel shame for having strong emotions. This experience makes me not want to seek out help when I need it. Has this ever happened to anyone else? #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #BipolarDepression

So I just need to complain a bit this morning. Last week I was having a hard day. I was planning on a ketamine treatment and therapy the next morning and just needed a safe and quiet place for the night, so I went to a crisis center. The first crisis worker I talked to said I could stay the night and the next morning I could leave and go to my appointments. But in the morning, the new crisis worker twisted my words and used them against me. He claimed I was suicidal with a plan when I never even talked about having SI or a plan. I even had him talk to my therapist who said I was safe. But it didn’t matter, I was put on a 72 hour hold. Now, the psych hospital they were sending me to was one that a family member of mine went before and while they were there, was with held medications, given the wrong medications, sat in dirty clothes for a week, and was not allowed to communicate with my mom whom the therapists there were supposed to contact but never did. So of course I’m going to refuse to go. Because I refused to go, I was picked up from my chair, thrown onto a hard board, pinned down, restrained and drugged by 10 people. They left me restrained for 30 minutes until I finally gave up and complied. I was non combative and non aggressive I just simply refused to go. I now have bruises on me, I pulled a muscle in my leg making it difficult to walk, I hurt my rotator cuff on my shoulder that was recently replaced and now have trauma over what they did. I was NEVER in danger of hurting myself or anyone else. I NEVER mentioned SI. This crisis center made me feel shame for having strong emotions. This experience makes me not want to seek out help when I need it. Has this ever happened to anyone else? #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #BipolarDepression

I technically know I’ll get better meds eventually, maybe even very soon, but I’m really struggling today.
My psychiatrist prescribed me an atypical antipsychotic for agitation, and it helped so so much. I felt so grounded and calm and normal at work and productive at home. I stopped continuously listening to podcasts and playing video games. Most importantly, the intense feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin, or dysphoria, went away. I just liked being in my brain again.
I got to feel this way for like 4 days, and it gave me so much hope.

But I had to stop taking it because it gave me intense eye strain while driving to work, and I didn’t feel safe on my 40 min commute. I don’t know how to describe how tempting it was to take it anyways, but I know it’s a driving hazard, and not necessarily likely to go away. Changing dose or time of day didn’t help, so I stopped taking it.

Honestly coping skills don’t really feel worth it right now, when medication fixed 90% of the problem. Now that I’ve stopped there’s nothing I can do to make this buzzing, dysphoric feeling go away, only distract myself from it and keep functioning. Hopefully on Monday I can get in touch with my psychiatrist, and she’s willing to try something very similar.

Sorry this was a long post. I just really needed to vent. I dont have a super trusting relationship with my psychiatrist, because she keeps recommending antidepressants and doesn’t like to use the word bipolar with me. I understand because I probably don’t have bipolar I, and sometimes people with bipolar can take antidepressants, but it makes me worried. Our last session went better because I was able to describe the agitation and she completely understood it, but it’s still all new. The person who did my evaluation did diagnose me with unspecified bipolar, and I strongly agree with that diagnosis. I think my communication with that psychiatrist will improve with time, though.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I guess I just want validation for giving up on trying to make this feeling go away, when so far only medication (or sometimes time) makes it go away. I just hate being in my brain right now, and it has no connection to my thoughts or emotions at all. I’m just buzzing with “mild” distress, from as soon as I gain consciousness in the morning until I’m comepletely asleep at night, and I don’t even know how to share this kinda thing with coworkers and friends. #Hypomania #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth

Is anyone else trying to mange their own mental illness while caring for elderly parents? Both my parents need help, but my dad has Parkinson’s and as it worsens, his needs increase. I’m the only one in the household physically capable of caring for him but he needs help getting out of chairs, going to the bathroom, dressing, and preparing food. I can’t even get a full night’s sleep anymore because he needs me so often in the middle of the night to help him go to the bathroom. We’re not poor enough to qualify for financial help with caregiving nor are we rich enough to afford assisted living. I’m the plan, the only plan. If I get sick, too bad. If I need a mental health day, too bad. We are researching options. We have caregivers come in a few hours each week. But I need more. My family doesn’t understand why this causes me to be emotional so often even though they know I’ve been hospitalized so many times for psychiatric problems and I’m on disability for it. I don’t see why they can’t understand. #Caregiving #Bipolar1 #ParkinsonsDisease

Is anyone else trying to mange their own mental illness while caring for elderly parents? Both my parents need help, but my dad has Parkinson’s and as it worsens, his needs increase. I’m the only one in the household physically capable of caring for him but he needs help getting out of chairs, going to the bathroom, dressing, and preparing food. I can’t even get a full night’s sleep anymore because he needs me so often in the middle of the night to help him go to the bathroom. We’re not poor enough to qualify for financial help with caregiving nor are we rich enough to afford assisted living. I’m the plan, the only plan. If I get sick, too bad. If I need a mental health day, too bad. We are researching options. We have caregivers come in a few hours each week. But I need more. My family doesn’t understand why this causes me to be emotional so often even though they know I’ve been hospitalized so many times for psychiatric problems and I’m on disability for it. I don’t see why they can’t understand. #Caregiving #Bipolar1 #ParkinsonsDisease

I’ve started a work-out & fitness routine and it’s helping:) Have dropped a few lbs. Been reading about creatine supplements. Anyone tried these? I’m reading they can cause some mania. I have bipolar type 1 and experience some intense mania alot of weeks; don’t need more, for sure. Just curious what your experience has been. (I’ll be talking with my psychiatrist about this in a few weeks). Thanks!