Bipolar 1 Disorder

*foot note at the bottom

There is a DAM wall that exists in my mind.

It keeps cracking. I can feel I am in danger, trying desperately to calculate how much time I have before it gives away.

I am never quick enough.

How could I be so foolish to attempt rescue?

Crying, defeated, unable to seek help from another's hand, I watch as the water burst through its structure.

There is no way out.

There is no one around, why is there no one ever around?

Or maybe I am the only one that can hear the horrific panic in my voice as I scream for help.

I am the only witness to my own drowning.

I am paralyzed.

Unable to speak, unable to think, I watch as the water level rises;

Until I am no longer in sight.

*Foot note: No. Presently, I am not a danger to myself. I do not want to harm myself in any way. I merely wanted to share what my experience is like in the darkest depths of my Bipolar Depression. This community is filled with such a genuine love and individuals who always recognize their shared humanity with each other. I wanted to share my honest humanity with all of you ❤️
#Bipolar1 #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #MentalHealth #Depression

*foot note at the bottom

There is a DAM wall that exists in my mind.

It keeps cracking. I can feel I am in danger, trying desperately to calculate how much time I have before it gives away.

I am never quick enough.

How could I be so foolish to attempt rescue?

Crying, defeated, unable to seek help from another's hand, I watch as the water burst through its structure.

There is no way out.

There is no one around, why is there no one ever around?

Or maybe I am the only one that can hear the horrific panic in my voice as I scream for help.

I am the only witness to my own drowning.

I am paralyzed.

Unable to speak, unable to think, I watch as the water level rises;

Until I am no longer in sight.

*Foot note: No. Presently, I am not a danger to myself. I do not want to harm myself in any way. I merely wanted to share what my experience is like in the darkest depths of my Bipolar Depression. This community is filled with such a genuine love and individuals who always recognize their shared humanity with each other. I wanted to share my honest humanity with all of you ❤️
#Bipolar1 #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #MentalHealth #Depression

Yesterday was a shit day. But I didn’t have to visit the deepest, darkest corners of my despair.

Today, I can acknowledge every courageous, hesitant little shift I made. Every terrified, unsafe little step I took. Every time I dared to give in to a spark of hope.

I’m so grateful that we are not alone in this! Thank you for letting me share.

Yesterday was a shit day. But I didn’t have to visit the deepest, darkest corners of my despair.

Today, I can acknowledge every courageous, hesitant little shift I made. Every terrified, unsafe little step I took. Every time I dared to give in to a spark of hope.

I’m so grateful that we are not alone in this! Thank you for letting me share.

I’m riding the struggle bus today. Hell, I’m not just riding it, I’m driving it. I’m not sure what’s going on. I've been having a difficult time regulating my emotions this past week. It seems like one moment I’m okay and the next I’m crying. I’m exhausted. I’m sleeping more than normal. Some days, I can hardly stay awake. But despite how tired I am, when I am awake I’m talking a lot about various different things and my speech is faster than normal. I’m having episodes of intense anger that I’m struggling to hold back on.  I hate to think that I’m starting to have mixed episodes. I don’t want to go down that road again. Especially now when things are starting to finally fall in place. I work as needed at a crisis center as peer support and should hear back this week on whether or not I got the full time day position and I can’ t afford to lose my stability. Not right now. Not when things are so good. It scares me. The not knowing. I’m constantly trying to hold back my tears. I can’t let work see my weaknesses or else they may not give me the day position. I can’t let them think that I am not ready for this step. I don’t want to go back to living in the unknown. I like where I am right now. I like the feeling of stability. It makes me feel like I am a little more human, a little more normal. Like I’m not constantly riding the ups and downs of this bipolar roller coaster. I struggle knowing what the cause of my emotional dysregulation is. Is it just the cycle or is there something much deeper and darker at play?
#Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #Depression #Manic

I’m riding the struggle bus today. Hell, I’m not just riding it, I’m driving it. I’m not sure what’s going on. I've been having a difficult time regulating my emotions this past week. It seems like one moment I’m okay and the next I’m crying. I’m exhausted. I’m sleeping more than normal. Some days, I can hardly stay awake. But despite how tired I am, when I am awake I’m talking a lot about various different things and my speech is faster than normal. I’m having episodes of intense anger that I’m struggling to hold back on.  I hate to think that I’m starting to have mixed episodes. I don’t want to go down that road again. Especially now when things are starting to finally fall in place. I work as needed at a crisis center as peer support and should hear back this week on whether or not I got the full time day position and I can’ t afford to lose my stability. Not right now. Not when things are so good. It scares me. The not knowing. I’m constantly trying to hold back my tears. I can’t let work see my weaknesses or else they may not give me the day position. I can’t let them think that I am not ready for this step. I don’t want to go back to living in the unknown. I like where I am right now. I like the feeling of stability. It makes me feel like I am a little more human, a little more normal. Like I’m not constantly riding the ups and downs of this bipolar roller coaster. I struggle knowing what the cause of my emotional dysregulation is. Is it just the cycle or is there something much deeper and darker at play?
#Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #Depression #Manic

Today I sat on my kitchen floor and cried. Hired to make strawberry mango cupcakes for a 21st birthday, I decided to do a trial run. I worked really hard on the batter and frosting, making a strawberry purée, mango lime compote and a mango purée to incorporate into it. Spoiler alert, it didn’t work out. My mango and strawberry cream cheese frosting was sticky and didn’t stand up, my cupcakes flat with too much moisture. The only thing going for me was that my mango lime compote turned out perfect. I cried on the floor. I had made a bulk batch of both frosting flavors, intending to use them for the actual cupcakes. I had run out of mangos and strawberries as I had used all of them for the purée. I knew how to fix that batter but didn’t have the ingredients to do so. I was devastated. Out of all the cupcakes I’ve made in the past, I only had to redo the batter once. But the beauty of life, is that there can be second chances and when a second chance comes along, you don’t start from scratch but from experience. I ended up making a vanilla cupcake and infused it with my strawberry purée, adding in the mango lime compote in the middle. Next I trashed the frosting and made a new batch with just a plain cream cheese frosting. The second batch of cupcakes worked out perfectly, it paired well with the purée and compote and switching to a basic cream cheese frosting worked out in my benefit. Life throws curveballs and it’s easy to feel defeated. Things don’t always workout the first time around and that’s okay! It’s important to try and try again until we get it right. Sometimes second chances work out for the better. When we learn from our mistakes and press forward, we can accomplish anything. Keep going, keep learning, and never give up. #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #Anxiety #MightyTogether

Today I sat on my kitchen floor and cried. Hired to make strawberry mango cupcakes for a 21st birthday, I decided to do a trial run. I worked really hard on the batter and frosting, making a strawberry purée, mango lime compote and a mango purée to incorporate into it. Spoiler alert, it didn’t work out. My mango and strawberry cream cheese frosting was sticky and didn’t stand up, my cupcakes flat with too much moisture. The only thing going for me was that my mango lime compote turned out perfect. I cried on the floor. I had made a bulk batch of both frosting flavors, intending to use them for the actual cupcakes. I had run out of mangos and strawberries as I had used all of them for the purée. I knew how to fix that batter but didn’t have the ingredients to do so. I was devastated. Out of all the cupcakes I’ve made in the past, I only had to redo the batter once. But the beauty of life, is that there can be second chances and when a second chance comes along, you don’t start from scratch but from experience. I ended up making a vanilla cupcake and infused it with my strawberry purée, adding in the mango lime compote in the middle. Next I trashed the frosting and made a new batch with just a plain cream cheese frosting. The second batch of cupcakes worked out perfectly, it paired well with the purée and compote and switching to a basic cream cheese frosting worked out in my benefit. Life throws curveballs and it’s easy to feel defeated. Things don’t always workout the first time around and that’s okay! It’s important to try and try again until we get it right. Sometimes second chances work out for the better. When we learn from our mistakes and press forward, we can accomplish anything. Keep going, keep learning, and never give up. #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #Anxiety #MightyTogether