blamingself

I didn’t do a whole lot today, but I manage to do enough that felt right for me. I’ve been drawing a lot recently. Some of it doesn’t turn out great, but out of the few things I’ve done I’m proud of. I wanted to do some stretching/light workouts today, I did feel better after the fact and thought I should do something to get my body moving and my mind distracted every so often when I need to. Did some cleaning as well. My new medication came today which I was happy about. I don’t know why, but I’m happy that I’ll be getting mentally evaluated in a month as well. I’m kind of on watch at home as well. After telling my mom about my ideations, she’s been checking in on me and I’ve been checking in with her. On the day that I opened up about it, she kept peeking in my room to see if I was alright (even when I slept). The negative thoughts never really went away even when I tried to focus on other things. I still feel like my presence holds no weight, I still feel like all the people I care about don’t need me around. I’m aware that these thoughts aren’t true, there are people that tell me that I’m important to them and that I’ve been helpful to them. On the other side of the coin, that side of “me” finds it hard to believe that I’m valued. I’m aware that my mind isn’t handling things the same way as a person who can navigate through situations be it internal or external. With this keen awareness of myself is scary sometimes. It’s scary that sometimes it feels like I’m looking at myself as if “I “ stepped outside my body and was looking at my life and the rest of the world. Along with me internalizing a lot of my emotions, inner turmoil, among other things, I feel like I’m to blame for a number of things. I feel like I’m either a burden to others or that I’m not enough. There’s a lot that goes through my mind on a regular basis, and lately it’s been an overload of stuff. #Depression #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Thoughts #Outofbody #CheckInWithMe #Newmeds #NegativeThoughts #negativityisconsumingme #Feelinglikeaburden #Notenough #blamingself #Duality

Dear folks,
My father recently passed away. I was ready because I knew he was. We could get into deep discussions until something struck as funny and we would laugh.
My father died at the age of 89. I am frequently told how blessed I was to have him so long. He was funny, cognizant, and fairly mobile up to the 3 last days of his life.
I thought I was ready to let him go and move on. And until I began to miss the "little things" (not my term), I had no idea of the impact of the loss would hit me.
Not being able to watch a baseball game with him, even 75 miles apart, cheering and complaining about great hits and poor umpire calls.
Not being able to call him when I was upset or sick, knowing that I wasn't looking for answers but finding the support I needed just in the sound of his voice.
My dad was my rock. I was never married and lived with my parents most of my life. At one point in my life I was frequently hospitalized due to my mental illness. He visited every single day.
Until the last 4 years we lived together. My mom passed away 10 years ago. We were overwhelmed with the tasks of taking care of a big house and yard. He ended up moving to an age-in-place community 75 miles away, close to another of my sisters.
I made that drive weekly, usually spending one or more nights. It was like old days every time.
So, what's my point? I have been crippled with unexpected grief and loss. I thought I had moved on, moved past this. I was being told, and even admired, for moving on. However, it was not until I saw the attached TED Talk, that I was able to rename, reframe what I was experiencing.
I hope you can find a sense of peace and solace in her words.
Thanks

www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_...

#Grief #expectationsofothers #Pain #blamingself #Lonliness #personal growth #Lettinggo #unconditionallove